life

Online Photos Pose Real Danger for Some Kids

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 11th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just read the letter from "Proud Mom," who didn't see the big deal in posting pictures online of her son's class performance.

There is an even bigger and more pressing reason to not post online pictures of kids who are not yours. Unfortunately, we live in a time that is not all roses and sunshine for some families. Many are dealing with orders of protection because of concerns about domestic abuse or fears of kidnapping by noncustodial parents. Often, these families have moved or changed schools to avoid detection. The information posted by "Proud Mom" could possibly lead to all kinds of major problems for families in these situations.

I agree with your advice: Never post pictures of kids other than your own. Unless you live there, you don't know what is going on in the house next door. -- Cautious, Chicago

DEAR CAUTIOUS: You bring even more justification to the privacy requirements regarding the publication of children's photos, including on social media.

By the way, you shouldn't post pictures of adults without their permission, either -- not only for the reasons you just mentioned, but also simply to preserve their privacy.

Just because you want to be a public figure does not mean that your friends, acquaintances or co-workers share your sentiment. Ask before uploading and posting their likeness on social media.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I'm going crazy. My house is a mess, and I don't have time to clean it to her satisfaction. The last time she visited, about five years ago, all she did the whole time was complain about my poor homemaking skills.

I agree that I should be neater. I will put forth a big effort to make her comfortable, but I don't want to be chastised. What can I do? -- In a Tizzy, Shreveport, La.

DEAR IN A TIZZY: Make a schedule for cleaning up as much as you can from now until your mother-in-law arrives. Ask your husband to help. Remind him of her last visit. Tell him you need his support to survive her next one.

Be sure to make the area where she will sleep neat and clean. Same goes for the kitchen and common areas. If you have a trusted friend who is good at cleaning, perhaps you could ask that person to come over and help.

The preparatory work that you will do for your mother-in-law is actually great for you, too. The neater you can make your home, the more comfortable you and your husband will be in your space. If you commit to putting things away when you use them and discarding things when you no longer need them, you should be able to stay on top of any mess. You may also want to spend one day a week doing a big cleanse if you are facing significant clutter.

life

Parents Need Room to Grieve in Their Way

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 10th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends' child died a year ago from SIDS. It was so sad, and I know it has been tough for them to recover. But they don't talk about it.

I just realized the anniversary of their child's death is approaching, and I'm wondering if I should say anything. I love these people so much and want them to have all the happiness in the world. I wonder if bringing it up would make them uncomfortable. But I also don't want to be insensitive by not saying anything. What do you think is appropriate? -- Eggshells, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR EGGSHELLS: It's lovely that you remembered this child's death. It shows that you are a good and conscientious friend.

I don't think you should call your friends to say something about the anniversary. You may want to send them a lovely card that says you are thinking of them on this special day. Write that you love them and are holding them in your prayers. In this way they receive your good wishes, but they do not need to respond unless they feel comfortable doing so.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been going through a rough spell. The other day, we learned that two young friends had just gotten engaged. Instead of congratulating them, my husband went on a tear, telling them how marriage leaves a lot to be desired. He went on and on, and it got uncomfortable. I tried to change the subject, but that just got him more revved up.

I feel so bad. I think I should say something to the couple, but I don't want to reveal too much about our marriage. We are close to these people, so we will see them again. -- Embarrassed, Cincinnati

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Guess what? Your friends already know there's trouble in your paradise. Your husband has revealed it.

You have choices for moving forward with this couple. First, you can let it be. You four shared an awkward moment that can simply pass.

Second, you can reach out to the couple and share some of your personal insights about marriage. Without revealing too many personal details, share with them that marriage has many twists and turns. This includes, for most couples, periods when the relationship seems brittle. If you have suggestions on how you and your husband navigate tough times, be sure to share them.

By all means, wish them the very best in their lives. I would suggest they get premarital counseling, where they can talk about and explore their values and goals. They also can ask about strategies for fair fighting. You and your husband also may want to get some counseling to see if you can mend your fence.

life

Job Candidate Left in Limbo

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 9th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was courted by a former client for a contract for nearly three months. Then, after I made my presentation, nothing happened. When I reached out repeatedly to follow up, nothing.

Finally, I wrote to my client to ask if I had done something to turn him off, because I couldn't understand why his company suddenly went cold. He wrote back -- after months of silence -- to say that his boss had decided to pause the project.

I'm frustrated this was not communicated to me earlier. I'm not sure what to do now. Do I thank this guy for telling me the truth? How can I lobby for the work at the same time? -- Stuck, Los Angeles

DEAR STUCK: Welcome to the world of independent contracting. It usually takes a long time to secure a deal, and then if the deal falls through, contractors may not get fair warning. Companies move on to the next important project on their slate. Is this lack of follow-through rude? Yes. It also is very common.

I wish people and companies would recognize that endings are as important as beginnings. I believe that if a company representative has engaged someone in conversation about a potential job, the least he or she can do is to follow up and say "thanks, but no thanks," if that's the case. To say nothing is disrespectful. The person who was interviewed is waiting.

That said, about all you can do is mention one last time that you are interested and available for the gig. If there is no response, move on.

I implore potential employers to take a moment to close the loop by letting unsuccessful job candidates know that the end is here. Remember the Golden Rule.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter has very serious acne, and it causes her a lot of stress. Her peers at school tease her, and even other people who see her in the mall or wherever sometimes say something about her.

She saw a report about a teen girl with the same problem who started wearing what looks like stage makeup to cover up her acne. She even made instructional videos about it, and now she has good self-esteem. My daughter wants to start wearing this kind of makeup, too. I think it's a mistake because it probably clogs the pores even more. My daughter is set to do this. How can I dissuade her? -- Protective Mom, Miami

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: Dealing with severe acne can be traumatic, especially for the teens who are usually struck with it. I understand your concern about the makeup not helping to heal her skin. And you probably are right. Still, self-esteem is a real issue for people with acne.

I recommend that you take your daughter to a dermatologist to get medical insight regarding her condition. Ask the dermatologist about makeup coverage. You may get a recommendation that includes acne-drying properties as well as coverage.

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