life

Summer Visit Allows Parents, Beau to Get Acquainted

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 30th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: My college boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months, and we really like each other. Summer is approaching, and we will be separated the entire time. People have suggested asking my parents if he can come to our state and stay with us in our home. I have had friends whose parents let them do this, but my parents are pretty strict.

Is it weird to ask if my boyfriend can stay with us for a few days so I don't have to go four months without seeing him in person? -- Already Missing My Man, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR ALREADY MISSING MY MAN: You know your parents the best, so you likely know how open they would be to having your boyfriend stay at your home.

I like the idea. I think you should introduce it to your parents by saying that you would like for your boyfriend to meet them and that you want to see him at some point during the summer. Be honest. Tell them what you like about this young man, and share stories that illustrate his good qualities. Make it clear that you think they will like him, too.

If you have a guest room in your home, point out that he could stay in that room. Suggest options that show your parents you respect them and their rules.

Some parents allow visiting boyfriends or girlfriends to stay in the same room as their hosts. I can tell you that I would not do that. Instead of pushing for intimate quarters for your visit, suggest a get-to-know-the-family visit. You may be pleasantly surprised by your parents' reaction.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My college roommate is inconsiderate. He has in the past spilled alcohol on two pairs of my shoes and never offered to clean them up or even tell me about it. He has "sexiled" me at 2 a.m. on a weeknight when I was about to go to bed, and he lets his friends drink my drinks from the fridge. I am fed up. How should I address this issue? -- Fed Up, Philadelphia

DEAR FED UP: Have you confronted your roommate about any of this behavior? Step one is to directly address his transgressions with him. Tell him you did not appreciate any of his bad behavior -- from spilling drinks on your shoes to putting you out when you were about to sleep so he could have sex. Ask him to stop.

If he refuses, ask your resident assistant for support. One of the RA's jobs is to help students manage difficult situations with roommates.

The reality is that school is almost finished for this semester. Be sure to ask for a different roommate next semester. Also, do yourself a favor and speak up earlier if you have a roommate issue next semester.

life

Token Payoff of Loan Is Better Than None

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 28th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I borrowed money from my next-door neighbor a few months ago, and I'm supposed to pay it back right now. The thing is, I don't have it. I have been out of work for about eight months, and the little odd jobs I have gotten haven't paid enough for me to pay any bills, let alone reimburse him. But still, it's my neighbor. I can't hide out from him.

What can I do? I can't pay him back yet. -- Embarrassed, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: You must speak to your neighbor immediately. Tell him what your situation is, and reassure him that you are doing your best to be able to pay him back. If you have even a small amount of money that you can give him as a good-faith effort, do so. Even if it's a nominal amount, by offering it you show your neighbor that you mean well.

Meanwhile, keep your head up and actively look for work. It can be so difficult to continue the search when you feel ashamed or deflated. Do your best to shed that cloak, as it will only disable you. Refresh your resume and look some more. Meanwhile, continue to perform odd jobs to put money in your pocket.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 40-year-old single man, 6 feet 5 inches tall. Here's my dilemma: A few of my female friends have asked if I would be willing to sire a child for them. At first I was flattered by the notion of participating in making a child, but as I asked further questions, the women responded that they wanted me to participate only in producing the child, not being a part of the child's life after birth.

This has happened with 10 women over the past few years. I have a motto I live by: Marriage before carriage. I have said "no" on numerous occasions. Am I wrong? I do want to have a child, but not like this. -- Feeling Used, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR FEELING USED: Please don't lower your standards. I think it's admirable that you want to be in a committed relationship before bringing a child into the world.

These women are essentially asking for a sperm donor. It may be flattering to know that so many people think you have good genes -- good enough to belong to their children. But if I were you, I would be offended that they don't feel good enough about you to want you as part of the package. You clearly want to create a family. Keep your eyes open and look for a partner who shares your values.

I would also recommend that you do a serious self-evaluation. Why might none of these 10 women want to be with you? There may be some aspect of your personality, your lifestyle or your current circumstances that is a turnoff to these female friends.

It's worth contemplating. If there's something you need to improve about yourself to become a more attractive partner to the right woman, go for it. But I don't think you should be fishing from this current pool of 10.

life

Parents Have a Right to Keep Kids' Pics Off the Internet

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 27th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I posted photos of my son's class performance on Facebook and was so proud of them. That is, until one mom called me and chastised me for posting a picture that included her child without her permission. She asked me to take the picture down at once. I did, but I don't see what the big deal is. Do you? -- Proud Mom, Chicago

DEAR PROUD MOM: In this Internet age, it can be tricky figuring out where your rights begin and end. But that mom was right: Children's rights are protected under the law.

The Children's Online Privacy Protection Act states that any identifiable information about a child under age 13 that is posted on the Internet must be posted by the parent or by a person who has obtained VERIFIABLE CONSENT from the parent. Website operators are held legally accountable for verifying that publications made by anyone other than the legal parent or guardian have the consent of the parent.

That said, countless people post images of their children and others without issue. My recommendation for the future is to do your best to photograph your child separately so that you can post safely. Otherwise, ask parents for permission (in writing) before you put any images on the Internet.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like my daughter and I have ongoing arguments every morning because she drags her feet when it's time to go to school. I'm so frustrated. I'm trying to teach her the importance of being on time and of accepting responsibility for herself. She is 7 years old, and I think that's old enough to begin to accept some basic responsibilities. But the arguments are wearing us out. Any suggestions on how to handle this better? -- Frustrated, Washington, D.C.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Do I have a suggestion for you! My daughter (who is 8) and I have wrestled with time-management issues, and recently we came up with a plan together that has helped tremendously. We created a chart for the five days of the school week and listed each task she has to complete before walking out of the door at 8 a.m. She helped to make the list and even suggested what she might be able to do at night to buy her time the next morning.

As a result, she is excited when she gets up about filling out her chart. She competes with herself to be ready on time as well. Best of all, the arguments have subsided dramatically.

We have begun to institute rewards for her good behavior that include singing together in the morning on the way to school, bringing an extra treat in her lunch bag and special activities on the weekend.

You may want to try our process, or something else may work for you. The point is to include your daughter in coming up with a schedule that she can follow with your support, but without having to police her at every turn. Children of all ages benefit from structure, focus and clear-cut boundaries.

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