DEAR MISS MANNERS: While having a casual dinner at my parents' house, I noticed that my brother and his fiancee were wearing wedding bands. I texted my sister to ask if they had secretly gotten married, and she told me I needed to talk to our brother.

He finally called me tonight and told me that they did indeed go to the courthouse to get married. He explained that they are trying to buy a house, and that it is easier to get a mortgage when legally married.

I am the last in the immediate family to find out. I feel very hurt that I was not included in any of the initial announcements and had to find out by noticing wedding bands on their hands.

The icing on the cake is that they plan to keep this hush-hush and have a big white wedding next year -- they will have a ceremony, register for gifts and pretend to the entire extended family like they have not been married the entire time.

I think this is highly irregular and inappropriate, and it feels like lying. There is nothing wrong with a courthouse wedding, and I think it should have been celebrated in the moment, maybe with a nice dinner with close family.

I don't know how I am supposed to celebrate and support my brother now that he has gone about this in such an untraditional way, and I am having a hard time getting behind lying to our extended family members and friends. What is the best way to navigate this situation?

GENTLE READER: When he was young, did your brother tell his teachers that he couldn't take the test as he was in mourning because the dog died -- and then the next week complain that the dog ate his homework?

Miss Manners asks because he does not seem particularly adept at lying (as evidenced by wearing the wedding rings).

Separating a "wedding" from the act of marrying, as if the trappings were more significant than the ceremony, is no longer unusual -- although a year is a long time to wait between the two.

You are not required to lie about it to others, although this may be why they didn't tell you. But if he and his fiancee plan to wear their rings to the rehearsal dinner, perhaps you can offer to sequester the jewelry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This may be a losing battle, but as an adult with a birth defect, I completely abhor the phrase "special needs" in all its forms.

People with disabilities have the SAME basic needs as everyone else. Shocking, I know! The accommodations may be more than others generally require to get to the same baseline, and may affect family routines, bonds and behaviors, but the needs themselves are not "special."

There are organizations that are trying to help correct this mindset, but do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suggests compassion, dignity and an assumption of goodwill and good intentions. Also needed, she fears, will be patience in getting people to understand and change.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in an era where the social fabric has thinned significantly. The clubs, civic organizations and community events that once brought our forefathers together are largely fading away. Opportunities for natural socialization have plummeted across the country, leaving many of us more isolated than generations past.

In this new landscape, the reality is that we can often truly depend only on our families and ourselves. When a mother hosts her own daughter's bridal shower today, it is rarely out of vanity. Rather, it is often a resilient effort to gather scattered loved ones and create community where it no longer exists naturally. I hope we might view this not as a breach of taste, but as a necessary adaptation to keep our connections alive.

GENTLE READER: Agreed that the social fabric has thinned, and also that it is an excellent idea to gather people one cares about to, as you put it, recreate community.

Miss Manners only wonders why one should wait to do so on an occasion on which presents for one's daughter are expected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was growing up, it wasn't unusual to see a woman lunching alone at a restaurant, all decked out in hat and gloves. As more women entered the workforce and began traveling for business, they would often have dinner alone in nicer restaurants.

In fact, I remember being warned not to accept being relegated to the back of the restaurant or to a table near the kitchen. My peers and I were told to exert our right to sit where we liked.

Oddly, these days, when more and more women live independently, I never see a woman dining alone, except maybe in a coffee shop. I would like to begin doing so: My husband can no longer dine out due to health problems, and I get tired of the compromises required when dining with friends. I would be very happy to eat dinner alone at a restaurant of my choice, but I'm not much of a trailblazer.

I just can't help but wonder why this has gone so out of fashion.

GENTLE READER: When Miss Manners thinks of valiant women blazing trails, their tasks are more arduous and dangerous than eating in a restaurant. She fails to see why you don't simply do it.

One can easily speculate about why it seems rarer for women to dine out alone today: It could be a matter of time, now that most women are working, or of money, as restaurants tend to be expensive. It could be sociability, as your preference for eating alone is atypical.

It could also have to do with the availability of takeout.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A family member sent me a "happy anniversary" message; however, it was on the date of my first marriage, not my second (which has now lasted 30 years). She attended both weddings.

It kind of ruined my day, but I know she meant well.

What bothers me, though, is that when I politely reminded her of my actual anniversary date, she messaged back asking if I was sure about that, since she had a different date saved in her book.

Certainly, she should not have asked if I was sure about my own wedding date, correct? How should I have responded?

GENTLE READER: With, "Yes, I'm quite sure. So is my husband. We were both there, as you may remember."

Why the mistake should have ruined your day, Miss Manners cannot guess. But why were you not amused at this silly attempt to avoid admitting to a mistake?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My local grocery store was very busy and the checkout lines were long. I paid little attention to the lady without a cart in front of me as she spoke to someone on her phone, assuming that she was with the person in front of her.

About 10 minutes later, just before it was my turn to place my items on the belt, another lady appeared with a full basket of groceries and asked to get by me, saying her friend in front of me was "saving her spot in line."

The request took me by surprise, and before I could react, she forced herself past my basket to join her friend.

I had a few choice words for her rude, inconsiderate behavior, but instead of an apology, she went on the offensive, loudly and repeatedly demanding that I not talk to her. I am sure that all 10 checkout lanes could hear her yelling, making it look like I had done something inappropriate.

I have seen privileged people hold up a grocery line by parking a basket of groceries in a line while they run around the store picking up additional items, but this was a new one for me.

I was so shocked and angry, I came close to leaving my basket and walking out of the store. Any suggestions, other than to let these types of people have their way?

GENTLE READER: That is galling, of course. We long to see rude people get their comeuppance.

But is it really worthwhile to turn such an incident into a brawl -- to which you contributed with your "few choice words"?

Apparently, many people think so. Miss Manners has a whole file of readers' letters about altercations in the grocery store line, and they are not just cross because they are hungry.

When one's sense of basic fairness is violated, indignation runs high. And this seems to be a time when many people are constantly on the defensive.

Miss Manners knows that she is creating trouble for herself in suggesting that one choose one's battles -- that infractions such as you describe are not worth getting into public fights with strangers. It will contribute to the mistaken notion that etiquette always requires yielding.

It does not -- but it does sometimes suggest not plunging into losing battles.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please provide guidance regarding what I consider to be an outrageously presumptuous practice in many restaurants. I refer to the server's providing two utensils when only one of two diners has ordered dessert.

It puts the customer in the uncomfortable position of having to explain that he or she doesn't want to share, or that the companion did not order dessert.

GENTLE READER: And it sometimes saves the server an extra trip.

But Miss Manners agrees that it puts the person who ordered it in the awkward position of seeming selfish. The way out of that position is to ask the other diner, while the server is still present, "Oh, did you want to order one of these, too?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)