DEAR MISS MANNERS: My local grocery store was very busy and the checkout lines were long. I paid little attention to the lady without a cart in front of me as she spoke to someone on her phone, assuming that she was with the person in front of her.

About 10 minutes later, just before it was my turn to place my items on the belt, another lady appeared with a full basket of groceries and asked to get by me, saying her friend in front of me was "saving her spot in line."

The request took me by surprise, and before I could react, she forced herself past my basket to join her friend.

I had a few choice words for her rude, inconsiderate behavior, but instead of an apology, she went on the offensive, loudly and repeatedly demanding that I not talk to her. I am sure that all 10 checkout lanes could hear her yelling, making it look like I had done something inappropriate.

I have seen privileged people hold up a grocery line by parking a basket of groceries in a line while they run around the store picking up additional items, but this was a new one for me.

I was so shocked and angry, I came close to leaving my basket and walking out of the store. Any suggestions, other than to let these types of people have their way?

GENTLE READER: That is galling, of course. We long to see rude people get their comeuppance.

But is it really worthwhile to turn such an incident into a brawl -- to which you contributed with your "few choice words"?

Apparently, many people think so. Miss Manners has a whole file of readers' letters about altercations in the grocery store line, and they are not just cross because they are hungry.

When one's sense of basic fairness is violated, indignation runs high. And this seems to be a time when many people are constantly on the defensive.

Miss Manners knows that she is creating trouble for herself in suggesting that one choose one's battles -- that infractions such as you describe are not worth getting into public fights with strangers. It will contribute to the mistaken notion that etiquette always requires yielding.

It does not -- but it does sometimes suggest not plunging into losing battles.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please provide guidance regarding what I consider to be an outrageously presumptuous practice in many restaurants. I refer to the server's providing two utensils when only one of two diners has ordered dessert.

It puts the customer in the uncomfortable position of having to explain that he or she doesn't want to share, or that the companion did not order dessert.

GENTLE READER: And it sometimes saves the server an extra trip.

But Miss Manners agrees that it puts the person who ordered it in the awkward position of seeming selfish. The way out of that position is to ask the other diner, while the server is still present, "Oh, did you want to order one of these, too?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the legal guardian of a relative who was born with a severe disability. Now middle-aged, she still has the mentality of a toddler. For reasons that are not relevant here, I promised her (and myself) when we were children that I would take care of her.

The problem? People, who probably think they're well-meaning, keep telling me how great I am for taking care of her -- how wonderful a person I am, how selfless I must be.

Miss Manners, I am none of these things. I take care of her because she needs someone to take care of her. Period. When people praise me like this, what I hear is, "I'm so glad I'm not in your shoes. I would never give up my life to do something like this."

Recently, she had a major health problem, and she is now much worse off than she was before. The adulations heaped upon me at this point are getting nauseating. Family members, friends and health care workers have all said something at this point.

What do they expect me to respond with? "Yes, I know. Thank you"? That sounds self-congratulatory.

I mean, seriously, why are they heaping praise upon my head for doing something that needs to be done? What would be the alternative, in their eyes? Have they no loved ones? Are they so self-centered that they can't fathom loving others?

What do I tell people who keep saying things like this? (Even worse, they speak this way in front of my relative, who is NOT hard of hearing.)

GENTLE READER: "Why? Wouldn't you do the same for someone you loved?"

And while their mouths are agape, frantically thinking of a response that does not make them look like monsters, Miss Manners suggests you and your family member make a quick getaway -- or at least change the subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a dinner party for 20 guests. Since a few of them smoke, I had arranged a separate room to function as a smoking room.

After the party, I discovered that a very small painting and a little sculpture were missing from the smoking room. Neither of them is really valuable, even sentimentally, but it still has left me very distraught.

There is no other way that these items could have disappeared except being taken by someone. Only three guests were ever in that room.

Now, what do I do? I have not mentioned this to anyone, since it undoubtedly would make everyone uncomfortable and lead to speculations about who took the things. I'd rather just forget about the whole thing, but if something similar happens in someone else's home, I will feel guilty for not having said anything.

GENTLE READER: You could tell the three of them that you misplaced the items and wanted to verify if they had seen them when they were there.

This would fool exactly no one, but it would put the perpetrator on notice that you are onto them without any direct accusations. Which is what, it seems to Miss Manners, you wish to accomplish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believed that wearing all black was proper dress for anyone at a funeral, or any such service. In recent years, though, this seems to have changed. "Church dress," or subdued outfits in muted colors, seem to be acceptable.

A friend told me that it is pretentious to dress in all black when the deceased is not a close friend or family member. It seeks to claim a status as a mourner that the wearer does not deserve.

Then a high-profile lady was criticized for wearing a gorgeous, very dignified coat-dress in a black-and-white tweed -- which seemed perfectly appropriate to me -- because it was not all black. The deceased was not a close friend or family member of the lady in question. What is correct?

GENTLE READER: Mourning is hard enough without having to think about what degree of intimacy to the deceased your clothing color relays.

This is not a sporting event. There is no winning team for which to show your loyalty.

Furthermore, if you cannot wear black to a funeral without appearing pretentious, where are you properly to wear it?

Never mind. Miss Manners can guess. To a wedding, where any bit of color could probably be criticized for displaying too much joy and support for the couple.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many of my friends have small children, and I am always invited to their birthday parties. I genuinely enjoying going and seeing them and their children.

The problem is that my spouse and I are on one income, and sometimes we just don't have any extra money to spare, even on minimal gifts. However, we usually do have the ingredients on hand to make cookies or cupcakes and frosting from scratch.

Would inquiring about the child's dietary restrictions and bringing sweets instead of a toy be rude? If it were an adult, I'd give a handwritten note and card, but I doubt children would find those very fun.

GENTLE READER: No, they would not -- at least, not without cash or gift cards to shake out of them, in this day and age.

A homemade present is lovely and fine. But unsolicited baked goods may cause too many problems at a children's party. Most parents will have already put thought into what birthday treat they serve. Providing an alternative will cause confusion -- as well as too much sugar stimulation for the young guests.

Miss Manners suggests instead a low-budget craft or a regifted item that can be framed as "something special you thought they might enjoy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I live in a 55-and-over community, and a new neighbor moved into the house next to ours. I am wondering if there is a custom as to which neighbor should approach the other, and how and when.

My guess would be that we should have approached them to welcome them to the neighborhood, even though we have been there only four months and no one has done it for us.

GENTLE READER: Although there is no strict rule that either party approach first, Miss Manners thinks it kind for the existing neighbor to initiate. Even ones who are only four months in and harbor obvious resentment toward their predecessors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)