DEAR MISS MANNERS: I regret to tell you that, in the modern parlance, “You’re welcome” isn’t polite. It is currently more polite to say “No problem” or “No worries,” which imply that whatever was done, the doer was happy to do it.

On the other hand, “You’re welcome” is passive-aggressive and means to communicate that the recipient better be thankful, because the situation was an imposition.

I’m not saying that others intend anything impolite, especially if they are older as well, but they should be made aware of how the term is currently being used.

GENTLE READER: Oh, please. Unless you find that word offensive, too.

Miss Manners has defended “No problem” and “No worries” from those who find them offensive, claiming that they suggest that a request might have been a problem or a worry. It strikes her as a reasonable response, equivalent to the conventional replies in several Romance languages.

But would all of you just please stop looking for trouble? It does not contribute to the general level of civility to brand well-intentioned, common expressions as insults.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you get people to RSVP in a timely manner? My suggestion is to mention, in your invitation, that you have only a specific number of dinners, special treats, surprise gifts/goodie bags, etc. -- and that guests should reply if they want a shot at them.

GENTLE READER: Has it come to that? Hosts have to bribe prospective guests to acknowledge their offers of hospitality?

Miss Manners has noticed that forms for responding to social invitations have gotten harsher and harsher, as prospective guests have gotten increasingly more callous.

Long ago, invitations did not request responses. It was thought that -- duh! -- if you were asked to go somewhere, you would have the sense, not to mention the decency, to say whether you would or wouldn’t.

If someone said, “Want to get a beer?” would you just sit silently and say nothing? But apparently that is what many people do when asked to come to a dinner -- or to a wedding.

So disgruntled hosts started asking outright for replies. And to Miss Manners’ annoyance, they popularized a French abbreviation, which baffles many and mangles the language. (“Rsvp” is not a verb, should not be preceded with “please” as that is already built in, and only the first letter should be uppercase.)

Asking for replies rarely works, so hosts started adding deadlines -- which are also often ignored. And now you want to add bribes.

Here is a question to which Miss Manners would appreciate an answer: Why you want to entertain people who cannot be bothered to answer you?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been told that one should tip a barber. I also have been told that doing so is not necessary if the barber owns the barbershop. Is this true?

GENTLE READER: Depends on whom you ask. Miss Manners is guessing that the first answer came from the owner of the barbershop.

The idea is that owners of businesses are above accepting tips, which are for underpaid workers, including barbers. But as you probably discovered, the owners don’t all feel that way.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a choking incident at the office today when I inhaled a cherry tomato.

One of my direct reports did the Heimlich maneuver and helped loosen it, and then one of the guys from another department joined in to keep the tomato moving. As I recovered, a secretary from down the hall put a cold compress on my neck and forehead.

I want to thank them, but don’t quite know the right thing to do. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Ummm ... Thank them?

Whether you do it in person or in a letter is up to you. But constantly bringing it up in meetings and office parties, telling everyone that these people are national heroes who saved your life, Miss Manners thinks, would be the best way of all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last decade, I lost my mobility and now use a wheelchair. The family of my partner still invites both of us to family events at their home, even though it is inaccessible to me. They are aware that while I used to be able to walk up the steps to their home and navigate spaces without the wheelchair, I am no longer able to.

I can’t figure out if they still invite me so I know they aren’t trying to exclude me, or if they think that if I only tried hard enough, I could change the medical issues that make the wheelchair a necessity.

I am struggling with how to feel. I thought that your insight would be helpful on how to treat invitations from friends who know that you cannot access the space they are inviting you to.

GENTLE READER: Well ... You could presume that they are not trying to subliminally insult you, and just ask if there is another way to access their house.

Miss Manners is not trying to insult you herself. She just thinks that if you assume the best, you may also be able to solve the problem. Or not. But at least this way, you will have alerted them to the fact that there is one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone donates to an online campaign to finance an expensive, but potentially life-saving, surgery for an acquaintance, friend or family member, and then -- while the beneficiary is under the knife -- he at last receives approval from his health insurer for coverage of the surgery, which had until then been denied, is it good manners, or even ethical, for the beneficiary to donate the campaign donations to a nonprofit of their choosing? Even if the beneficiary has mentioned in his plea for funds that any extra would go to said nonprofit?

GENTLE READER: Well, he did warn you.

The scrutiny of any future requests, Miss Manners believes, is what will really hurt him -- and the rest of your circle -- the next time a lifesaving surgery is needed.

If your rightful indignation will allow you to say it politely, you could mention this to him. Just be prepared for pushback and the assurance that the money will go not only toward his worthy nonprofit, but also for his recovery. Which you can then only hope does not take place at a lavish seaside resort.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a store with narrow aisles. I turned down an aisle that had two women with carts. The first woman I encountered completely ignored me, so I gently pushed my cart past. The second woman was older, in her 60s or 70s, and asked if I would like to get through.

Thinking she was being courteous, I smiled and said, “Yes, please!” Her response caught me off guard: She said, “Use your words.”

I froze, shocked, because this is the exact phrase my dad used with me as a child. So she repeated “Use your words” again.

Miss Manners, I am a grown woman in my mid-30s who was being talked down to like a child. So my smile faded and I said, “You’re not my mom,” then walked past her.

When I reached the end of the aisle, she called out after me to call me a “brat,” and I looked back and said, “Well, I can’t imagine how yours turned out!”

Given the situation, how could I have better handled myself with this condescending woman while maintaining dignity?

GENTLE READER: Literally any other way.

It is hard to take your argument seriously -- that you are a grown woman and not a child -- when you just threw a tantrum in a grocery store.

Miss Manners grants you that the other shopper started it. But being an adult means not taking the bait when someone else is rude to you. And yelling “You are not my mom!” is not the rousing argument you thought it was.

Next time, bypass the offender’s admonishment and say tightly, “Thank you for moving.” Or ignore her completely. Adults do so hate the silent treatment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lent my friend an outfit and cardigan to wear to a wedding. Despite not wearing the cardigan, she washed it before returning it. As a result, it was ruined.

I didn’t ask her not to wash it, and she didn’t ask me if she should (or how). She’s offered to pay for it, but it cost a lot more than she’s used to paying for her clothes, so I feel bad that she’s stuck paying for something she had no idea was expensive.

What is the laundry etiquette in cases like this? Should I have told her to return it unwashed? Should she have asked how I would like it returned? Do I have her reimburse me for it, or is it just water under the bridge?

She’s a good friend and I don’t want to lose her over this, but I admit I am feeling resentful.

GENTLE READER: There was no good way to have prevented this. If you had told her the sweater was dry-clean only, you would be presuming that she was going to pay to clean it -- which is the right thing to do, but not strictly required.

Miss Manners recommends that you let this go for the sake of the friendship and next time, do not lend things that are expensive, delicate or irreplaceable. Those are borrowing circumstances that do indeed lend themselves to resentment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)