DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am proud of my mantel Christmas display. I have a number of rustic Santa Claus figurines, and I wrap clear, twinkling lights around them. I have received compliments on the display.

My sister commented that it looks like Santa threw up on my mantel. I didn't know how to respond.

GENTLE READER: Trust Miss Manners: It is better for sibling relations that you did not have a snappy comeback like, "Yes. He had too much of your eggnog."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance from church asked if I had any holiday plans. I mentioned that I was spending a couple of days visiting my father between Christmas and New Year's.

"Oh, that sounds like fun!" she enthused.

My father has been moved into a dementia ward this year. I have spent the last year in phone calls with him listening as he has slowly forgotten where I live (I moved here 30 years ago), what I do for a living (the same job for 27 years), and, sometimes, what we talked about five minutes earlier.

I am going to see him because it may well be the last time I do so while he still remembers me. I hope that it will not be a miserable time, but I am hard-pressed to describe it as "fun."

Is there a proper way to respond to a comment like this that reflects my somber feelings about the matter without coming across as though I intend to make the speaker feel guilty?

GENTLE READER: It seems right to clarify the situation: It will explain why you do not appear to be enthusiastic now, and it will allow her to strike the right tone if she inquires about the visit after the holidays.

Miss Manners would have you say something simple like, "Actually, he is not in good health, so it will likely be a bit difficult." But the tone is much more important than the words, and here you need to err on the side of not overemphasizing the negative: What you are looking for is serious, without being in any way funereal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I used to love hosting dinner parties, bringing friends together for good food and lively conversation. But the fun has gone out of it because just about everyone tells me about their specific dietary preferences.

This one is vegetarian. (I can work with that.) That one requires gluten-free. Another has embraced keto, which means low carbs. One of my closest friends told me that he no longer eats cheese, or any other dairy, out of animal welfare concerns. Someone else avoids sugar.

I stopped inviting one acquaintance who is vegan, even though he's delightful company. It's just too much trouble! I'm happy, of course, to accommodate serious food allergies. But is there a way to ask people to put aside their "preferences" so that I can prepare an inspired menu?

GENTLE READER: You could try billing it as a foodie event, whatever that is. But will that protect you from hearing about how much everyone doesn't like eggplant? Or how affectionate octopuses are? Or restore any of the fun? Probably not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We went to breakfast this morning with four people total, and I informed the waitress beforehand that we'd like separate, individual checks. One of the participants piped up when I said that, saying that he'd like one single bill instead.

I assumed he meant that he would take care of the entire bill for all four of us. I sincerely believe that was his intention.

When the bill came, everybody save one took out their wallets and offered, out of politeness, to pay cash toward the entire bill. It is my understanding that, in such a situation, the one who offered to pay the entire bill should politely decline, and instead pick up the bill in full.

He didn't. Instead, he accepted the cash from others as offered. This was disruptive to at least one person, who had anticipated paying their separate check via a card, and who didn't therefore bring cash.

I am very confused. Miss Manners, how ought things to go in such a situation?

GENTLE READER: Well, not that way. Even if the hapless host now assures the cashless participant that he will pay, that person has already been embarrassed.

And now the two whose cash he just accepted will also feel ill-used.

Miss Manners does not understand why people are so eager to speak about money at all the wrong times, but are suddenly shy when it is perfectly proper. When asking for a single check, the host should have said, "Please let me get this." You and the fourth guest were fine to protest when the bill came, but he should have turned you down. And if the other guest had then apologized for not having cash, he could have used that as a gracious excuse to win the argument.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About trying to get a head count for a party, would it be rude to say: "The party is on Feb. 15. Please let us know by the 7th if you will be coming. If we don't hear from you by then, we will assume you will not be attending. If you cannot know your plans by the 7th, please let me know that, too, and maybe we can work something out."

That should get the invitees to respond in a timely fashion one way or another. To me, the above doesn't seem too much to expect of an invitee, and the party-giver has a better chance of not ending up with too many or too few around her table. The host/hostess has set it up in such a way that the response, or lack of it, tells him/her what is needed for setting up for a party.

GENTLE READER: This sounds like a theoretical exercise for you, so while Miss Manners agrees that it should not be too much trouble for people to respond to invitations, she suggests you check back when you have experiential data.

Asking people to respond by a given date is neither rude nor new, but suggesting they would be inconsiderate enough not to respond is both -- and is also inconsistent with your otherwise charmingly optimistic appraisal of humanity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one handle being offered alcohol when you choose not to drink?

I got a DUI 2 years ago, and I will NEVER drink and drive ever again. I've been in numerous situations where I've declined a kind offer of a drink, but have been pestered as to why.

Out for a happy hour with co-workers, I will just drink water, but I often get asked, "So, why aren't you drinking?" Initially I just shrugged it off, but after a while, I had to make up an excuse, so I lied that it would interfere with my medication. Oops -- now I'm asked what kind of meds I'm on!

With extended family, I get the same inquiry. I just make up some excuse: I don't feel like it, I have a hangover, I'm going out tomorrow, whatever.

I won't even have one drink -- and have found it quite rude of people to question why. There are so many potential reasons why people choose not to drink! I feel like I have to explain myself, and I am sick of it. How do I properly address this issue?

GENTLE READER: Not by explaining yourself -- nor by making up excuses. The question is not only intrusive but silly, as it presumes that alcohol is such a staple of life that a special exemption is needed.

But as you keep socializing with people who believe otherwise, Miss Manners suggests that you treat this as the opening of a two-sided conversation. It is always tactful to show an interest in the other person. So you could say, with a pleasant show of interest, "What about you? Tell me -- why do you drink?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if it's proper for one person to hand another person a birthday card/Christmas card personally -- not one attached to a gift. It seems to me that a card should be sent in the mail.

I'm a hairdresser, and it surprises me how often a client will hand me a birthday or Christmas card. These cards do not include money, but are just "good wishes."

It makes me feel uncomfortable and almost seems that I'm not worth a stamp. Could you please tell me if this is proper and in good taste? Has it always been?

GENTLE READER: Always? How far back do you want to go? It was once considered better to have mail delivered by hand, from your footman, than to use the postal service.

But Miss Manners would not exactly call it more proper or in better taste, because it used the same crass standard that you do: How much did the sender spend to get it to you? And maintaining a footman cost considerably more than a stamp.

Isn't that a mean way to judge good wishes? But even if you do, surely a personal delivery is worth more than a stamp -- or a footman.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)