DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I regularly host events at our home for groups from five to 20 people. We all have a wonderful time and enjoy one another’s company.

However, there is one guest who always makes an offhand “joke” about something in our home or the way I run my kitchen. Things like, “This is the dumbest dish I’ve ever seen,” or “Why do you always do things this way?” She thinks she’s being cute and funny, but I find it hurtful.

I pride myself on being a good hostess and providing a comfortable place to let people unwind. I work very hard to make my home inviting.

How can I approach this person without seeming rude or insulting? I never want anyone to feel uncomfortable in my home.

GENTLE READER: The way to kill a tasteless joke is to take it seriously.

So the answer to the dumb-dish remark is, “I’m so sorry it offends you; let me take it from you.” And to the doing-things-this-way remark, the response is, “Are you uncomfortable being here? Is something the matter?”

The response will be, “I was only joking.” To which you reply, “Oh. What’s the joke?”

Miss Manners promises that you will not have to do this long before you get an exasperated “Oh, never mind.”

Problem solved.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About six months ago, I lost my beloved husband after 34 years of marriage. At the five-month mark, I took off my rings, having realized that they were fairly tight. I’ve decided to leave them off permanently.

This is not a sign that I want to date again or a sign that I didn’t love my husband. It’s simply practical.

I’ve been advised that the proper move would have been to wear them on my right hand. I don’t want to wear them on my right hand, and even if I did, doing so would have required all three rings to be resized. What are Miss Manners’ thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That your advisers should mind their own business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband was invited to the wedding of one of his employees’ sons. The invite was clearly addressed only to him and did not include me. Over the years, my husband and this employee have had issues with their working relationship, which ultimately caused me to stop speaking to her.

He does not want to attend the wedding because of the fact that I was not on the invitation. How should he respond to this rude situation?

GENTLE READER: By saying that he regrets that he is unable to accept their kind invitation.

Yes, Miss Manners knows that you do not consider it kind. The omission was wrong -- whether or not it was related to those altercations -- as was the employee's failure to understand that this is not a business occasion.

But Miss Manners is trying to keep you from making the working relationship even worse.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There’s a woman I’ve known for more than 40 years. We were close when our children were young, but we have not been in regular contact for many years. I still care a lot about her, and believe the feeling is reciprocated.

She’s become more isolated by health challenges over the last couple of years, and my invitations to meet for lunch have been rebuffed. I haven’t taken it personally.

She’s facing surgery in a few days, and I had the epiphany that an old-fashioned phone call would be welcomed. We talked for more than an hour, about a wide range of topics, and my sense was that we were both having a good time. As we were winding down, she got serious and said some kind things about me. I was touched and told her how appreciative I was.

In the moment, I felt that if I said the equivalent of “I like you, too,” it would seem like I was only saying it because she had said it first. Am I wrong not to have responded with something similar? Her remark was different in tone than the rest of the conversation, and seemed to come out of the blue.

I do value her and our friendship over the years. It just would have felt reactive to say so in that moment. If I did err, how should I address my failure to respond in kind?

GENTLE READER: Your friend’s words touched you because they were genuine and spontaneous. No doubt she was also feeling sentimental in the face of her upcoming surgery. Had you immediately responded in kind, it might, as you say, have felt disingenuous.

But if it is bothering you, Miss Manners suggests you get really, really old-fashioned and write her a letter expressing a few thoughtful things about her and the friendship. Not only will this be authentic and touching, it will also give her something to read while she recovers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been invited to a casual backyard party for a low-country boil. I’d like to attend and spend time with my friends, but my shellfish allergy means I can’t partake of the food.

Is it impolite for me to bring my own snack? Should I offer to bring a side dish to share? Or should I just eat before the party? My husband thinks I should send my regrets to avoid the awkwardness of not eating the food on offer.

GENTLE READER: Eat beforehand. Alerting the hosts in advance will only make them go into a panic, trying to ensure there is something for you to eat (although there are likely to be non-shellfish sides as well). It may also make them a bit resentful since their menu plans were already in the title of their party.

If anyone asks why you are not eating, Miss Manners suggests you say, “I knew what I was getting into, but I’m afraid I’m allergic to shellfish. I just wanted to spend time with everyone -- enjoying the low-country part of the party, if not the boil.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin, with whom my husband and I are very close, is getting married. Unfortunately, there are a few problems.

The initial issues included our limited finances, transportation troubles, the date of the event (a Thursday night) and the wedding's no-children-allowed rule. With the help of my parents, most of those issues were solved. However, due to various problems related to my husband’s job, we’ve decided it’s best he not attend.

I’m extremely concerned about the fallout from that decision. My cousin, usually an easygoing person, is already furious with several guests who have declined her invitation. Her rationale is that because she’s borrowed over $20,000 to pay for her wedding, her more financially fortunate guests should help those struggling in the areas of gifts, transportation, hotel costs, childcare, elder care, etc. If the event will impact work responsibilities, guests must ensure adequate vacation time is set aside.

Most of my family members -- including my 83-year-old aunt in poor health, and my cousin with epilepsy and severe anxiety -- are attending. My mother has warned me that I’ll have to prepare a strong argument for why my husband can’t attend to ensure my relationship with my cousin survives.

Are there any etiquette rules that will help my case? Specifically, is there any valid excuse, besides severe illness, for not attending a close family member’s wedding?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing like saying, “I put myself in debt to throw this extravagant party, so you better show up -- health and financial instability be damned!” to get you in the spirit for a family wedding.

Miss Manners will remind you that you do not need an excuse, and you do not have to give in to coercion. You just have to repeat the phrase, “I am afraid Curtis won’t be able to attend, but he sends his love” as many times as possible until your cousin gets tired of asking.

Perhaps it will cause a rift. But judging from the list of other family members who are being subjected to tyranny, your husband will be in good company.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a boat, and needed to dry my beach towels after a recent excursion. The boat club has one washer and one dryer. When I got there, the dryer was available, although another boater had clothes in the washer.

At the end of the cycle, my towels weren’t close to dry. I took them out and decided to come back later to finish drying them. I thought this was the best approach, since the user of the washing machine was there before me (and waiting in person to use the dryer).

Should I have gone ahead and put the dryer on another cycle, since I was using it first? Or was it appropriate to take my towels and come back later?

GENTLE READER: With the other boater waiting in person, Miss Manners understands why you decided to return later -- and finds it considerate.

But the purpose of the dryer is to dry things. As it failed to do so, it would not have been unreasonable for you to start another cycle to finish the task. You could have warned your loitering friend that they might have to do the same.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)