DEAR MISS MANNERS: There’s a woman I’ve known for more than 40 years. We were close when our children were young, but we have not been in regular contact for many years. I still care a lot about her, and believe the feeling is reciprocated.

She’s become more isolated by health challenges over the last couple of years, and my invitations to meet for lunch have been rebuffed. I haven’t taken it personally.

She’s facing surgery in a few days, and I had the epiphany that an old-fashioned phone call would be welcomed. We talked for more than an hour, about a wide range of topics, and my sense was that we were both having a good time. As we were winding down, she got serious and said some kind things about me. I was touched and told her how appreciative I was.

In the moment, I felt that if I said the equivalent of “I like you, too,” it would seem like I was only saying it because she had said it first. Am I wrong not to have responded with something similar? Her remark was different in tone than the rest of the conversation, and seemed to come out of the blue.

I do value her and our friendship over the years. It just would have felt reactive to say so in that moment. If I did err, how should I address my failure to respond in kind?

GENTLE READER: Your friend’s words touched you because they were genuine and spontaneous. No doubt she was also feeling sentimental in the face of her upcoming surgery. Had you immediately responded in kind, it might, as you say, have felt disingenuous.

But if it is bothering you, Miss Manners suggests you get really, really old-fashioned and write her a letter expressing a few thoughtful things about her and the friendship. Not only will this be authentic and touching, it will also give her something to read while she recovers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been invited to a casual backyard party for a low-country boil. I’d like to attend and spend time with my friends, but my shellfish allergy means I can’t partake of the food.

Is it impolite for me to bring my own snack? Should I offer to bring a side dish to share? Or should I just eat before the party? My husband thinks I should send my regrets to avoid the awkwardness of not eating the food on offer.

GENTLE READER: Eat beforehand. Alerting the hosts in advance will only make them go into a panic, trying to ensure there is something for you to eat (although there are likely to be non-shellfish sides as well). It may also make them a bit resentful since their menu plans were already in the title of their party.

If anyone asks why you are not eating, Miss Manners suggests you say, “I knew what I was getting into, but I’m afraid I’m allergic to shellfish. I just wanted to spend time with everyone -- enjoying the low-country part of the party, if not the boil.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin, with whom my husband and I are very close, is getting married. Unfortunately, there are a few problems.

The initial issues included our limited finances, transportation troubles, the date of the event (a Thursday night) and the wedding's no-children-allowed rule. With the help of my parents, most of those issues were solved. However, due to various problems related to my husband’s job, we’ve decided it’s best he not attend.

I’m extremely concerned about the fallout from that decision. My cousin, usually an easygoing person, is already furious with several guests who have declined her invitation. Her rationale is that because she’s borrowed over $20,000 to pay for her wedding, her more financially fortunate guests should help those struggling in the areas of gifts, transportation, hotel costs, childcare, elder care, etc. If the event will impact work responsibilities, guests must ensure adequate vacation time is set aside.

Most of my family members -- including my 83-year-old aunt in poor health, and my cousin with epilepsy and severe anxiety -- are attending. My mother has warned me that I’ll have to prepare a strong argument for why my husband can’t attend to ensure my relationship with my cousin survives.

Are there any etiquette rules that will help my case? Specifically, is there any valid excuse, besides severe illness, for not attending a close family member’s wedding?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing like saying, “I put myself in debt to throw this extravagant party, so you better show up -- health and financial instability be damned!” to get you in the spirit for a family wedding.

Miss Manners will remind you that you do not need an excuse, and you do not have to give in to coercion. You just have to repeat the phrase, “I am afraid Curtis won’t be able to attend, but he sends his love” as many times as possible until your cousin gets tired of asking.

Perhaps it will cause a rift. But judging from the list of other family members who are being subjected to tyranny, your husband will be in good company.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a boat, and needed to dry my beach towels after a recent excursion. The boat club has one washer and one dryer. When I got there, the dryer was available, although another boater had clothes in the washer.

At the end of the cycle, my towels weren’t close to dry. I took them out and decided to come back later to finish drying them. I thought this was the best approach, since the user of the washing machine was there before me (and waiting in person to use the dryer).

Should I have gone ahead and put the dryer on another cycle, since I was using it first? Or was it appropriate to take my towels and come back later?

GENTLE READER: With the other boater waiting in person, Miss Manners understands why you decided to return later -- and finds it considerate.

But the purpose of the dryer is to dry things. As it failed to do so, it would not have been unreasonable for you to start another cycle to finish the task. You could have warned your loitering friend that they might have to do the same.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought our current home about four years ago, although the house itself is about 20 years old. The backyard is surrounded by a standard wooden fence.

The condition of the wood suggests the fence has been there nearly as long as the house, and we think it desperately needs to be replaced. Two of our neighbors have fences that adjoin ours and which, based on condition, were built around the same time.

Even though it’s our right to replace our fence, do we owe any consideration to the neighbors? After all, our shiny new fence will now be mixed with their well-worn ones surrounding their yards.

I don’t want to imply that I’m asking their permission, because we intend to replace it regardless. But is it worth giving them a heads-up that we’re having the work done? Is there a way to suggest the possibility of them also having their fences replaced without it sounding insulting?

I assume that having theirs replaced at the same time, by the same company, might save a little money -- as the workers and materials will already be on site -- but I’m not sure if this is worth bringing up. We have good relationships with all of the neighbors and don’t want to create animosity or awkwardness where there isn’t any.

GENTLE READER: When anyone wishes to express indignation about an unwelcome encroachment, the accepted metaphor is not, “Can you believe So-and-so was in my living room, uninvited, playing my piano?!”

The expression is, "Can you believe this was going on in my own backyard?!"

Miss Manners mentions this as a reminder that if you want to maintain good relations with the neighbors, you will absolutely have to be considerate, which means: giving notice of your plans; reassuring them that you are available to handle any unintended inconveniences that result; taking “no” for an answer to any suggestion that they consider redoing their own -- and spending less time thinking about what you have a right to do.

Fortunately, it is possible to do all of this without putting the central question up for debate. Tell them that you are planning to replace your fence and say that, while you have no idea if they were planning to redo theirs, if they are, you would be happy to see if using a single contractor would be a way for everyone to save money.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was working with an older woman and we hit it off very well. Her eyes were noticeably red, and my ophthalmologist had suggested an over-the-counter product for me that works beautifully and is safe to use.

I was tempted to tell her about it, but thought that it might be embarrassing for her if I mentioned her eyes.

Did I do the right thing by being silent, or did I miss an opportunity to do someone a favor?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Possibly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)