DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought our current home about four years ago, although the house itself is about 20 years old. The backyard is surrounded by a standard wooden fence.

The condition of the wood suggests the fence has been there nearly as long as the house, and we think it desperately needs to be replaced. Two of our neighbors have fences that adjoin ours and which, based on condition, were built around the same time.

Even though it’s our right to replace our fence, do we owe any consideration to the neighbors? After all, our shiny new fence will now be mixed with their well-worn ones surrounding their yards.

I don’t want to imply that I’m asking their permission, because we intend to replace it regardless. But is it worth giving them a heads-up that we’re having the work done? Is there a way to suggest the possibility of them also having their fences replaced without it sounding insulting?

I assume that having theirs replaced at the same time, by the same company, might save a little money -- as the workers and materials will already be on site -- but I’m not sure if this is worth bringing up. We have good relationships with all of the neighbors and don’t want to create animosity or awkwardness where there isn’t any.

GENTLE READER: When anyone wishes to express indignation about an unwelcome encroachment, the accepted metaphor is not, “Can you believe So-and-so was in my living room, uninvited, playing my piano?!”

The expression is, "Can you believe this was going on in my own backyard?!"

Miss Manners mentions this as a reminder that if you want to maintain good relations with the neighbors, you will absolutely have to be considerate, which means: giving notice of your plans; reassuring them that you are available to handle any unintended inconveniences that result; taking “no” for an answer to any suggestion that they consider redoing their own -- and spending less time thinking about what you have a right to do.

Fortunately, it is possible to do all of this without putting the central question up for debate. Tell them that you are planning to replace your fence and say that, while you have no idea if they were planning to redo theirs, if they are, you would be happy to see if using a single contractor would be a way for everyone to save money.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was working with an older woman and we hit it off very well. Her eyes were noticeably red, and my ophthalmologist had suggested an over-the-counter product for me that works beautifully and is safe to use.

I was tempted to tell her about it, but thought that it might be embarrassing for her if I mentioned her eyes.

Did I do the right thing by being silent, or did I miss an opportunity to do someone a favor?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Possibly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a restaurant, if my food is served by someone other than my waiter and I need to request an additional or missing item (e.g., extra sauce or sour cream), do I make that request to the person who served the food? Or do I wait for the waiter to come over and ask if everything is OK?

Does it even matter? Sometimes the waiter doesn’t come over for a few minutes and I’d prefer not to let my food get cold.

GENTLE READER: Although not in the habit of being intimidated by waiters, Miss Manners knows that any answer she gives will elicit a flood of responses from professionals explaining the system in use at their restaurant -- and why it is the only possible solution, which must perforce be universally and instantly adopted.

Before that happens: Listen up, restaurant folks.

The customers do not know The System. They are annoying and they do not know what they want and they did not order what they said they ordered and they do not tip enough. But they would like some extra sauce before their food gets cold.

So here is Miss Manners' answer for the customers: You may ask your waiter, or you may ask any member of the staff who comes to your table -- up to and including the head chef -- politely, of course. If you cannot get anyone’s attention in a reasonable amount of time, then you may ask any employee or supervisor for help. And if the restaurant is particularly busy, it may take a few minutes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need to attend the funeral of a family member, and I’m dreading having to encounter a person who did very evil things to the deceased while they were alive, taking advantage of their age and good nature.

This person controlled the deceased, poisoned her mind against her own children and leeched off her financially. I cut off all contact with this person years ago, and now I’m afraid that I will have to face her.

I have no intention of initiating any conversation with her, but what do I do if she initiates one with me? In public, she loves to act like she’s a wonderful, friendly person. It’s part of her scam.

Can I just turn and walk away if she approaches me? She’s truly an evil, despicable individual. Still, I don’t want to create a scene at a funeral.

GENTLE READER: Not causing a scene at the funeral is a good etiquette rule to follow.

If this person approaches you, you may say, “Excuse me,” and walk away, purposefully, but without any show of anger -- as if you were called off to deal with something urgent. You can go to the bathroom for a minute if need be.

Miss Manners is indifferent so long as it convinces anyone watching that your departure was unrelated to the person. There will, if necessary, be other times to make a scene.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am of Asian descent and have lived in the U.S. for about two-thirds of my life. My pet peeve is when people ask me where I am from. I politely reply with the name of my home state (in the U.S.).

Yes, I still have an accent.

My kids were born in the U.S. and have grown up here; they have no accents and no ties to Asia. And yet, they get the same question. I'm not sure if first-generation immigrants who are white get this question.

GENTLE READER: Do you remember when this question was not considered an insult?

Because Americans often changed locations, moving around the country, it was once considered a benign conversation opener. Questioners might go on to say they had relatives there, or had vacationed there, or had never been, but hoped to go someday.

Miss Manners is aware that this no longer works. The assumed implication nowadays is the one you are thinking of: “You don’t really belong here.” Therefore, it is no longer a tactful way to open a conversation.

But when you are asked, suppose you try presuming goodwill. You could give a vague answer -- "I'm from around here," or “Down south” or whatever -- followed by, “And where are you from?”

If the response is “No, where are you REALLY from?” then Miss Manners agrees that it is offensive. But if, instead, the questioners launch into reminiscences about their own hometowns, you should assume that they just didn’t get the memo about this potentially fraught conversation starter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Earlier this year, I made arrangements with a couple of acquaintances to spend the night in a hotel to celebrate one of their birthdays and to sightsee.

Five weeks prior to the night, some close family friends told me they were coming to visit me that same weekend. I told the acquaintance whose birthday it was that I could not make it after all. They became upset because the hotel reservation was nonrefundable.

I apologized because these other friends were coming from out of state, and I am honestly closer to them. I asked the acquaintance if they could call the hotel to ask about a refund, but they refused. I called the hotel myself, and although the booking was nonrefundable, it could have been rescheduled.

I tried to explain this to my acquaintance, but all they would keep saying was, "It’s nonrefundable."

Am I still supposed to chip in? The person still went on the trip without me.

GENTLE READER: You will not have to worry about this next year.

Not only did you break a social (and financial) commitment, but you also made it clear that you did so because you had a more attractive offer. Miss Manners assures you that you will not be invited to celebrate this birthday again.

But yes, you should still pay your share.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)