DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a restaurant, if my food is served by someone other than my waiter and I need to request an additional or missing item (e.g., extra sauce or sour cream), do I make that request to the person who served the food? Or do I wait for the waiter to come over and ask if everything is OK?

Does it even matter? Sometimes the waiter doesn’t come over for a few minutes and I’d prefer not to let my food get cold.

GENTLE READER: Although not in the habit of being intimidated by waiters, Miss Manners knows that any answer she gives will elicit a flood of responses from professionals explaining the system in use at their restaurant -- and why it is the only possible solution, which must perforce be universally and instantly adopted.

Before that happens: Listen up, restaurant folks.

The customers do not know The System. They are annoying and they do not know what they want and they did not order what they said they ordered and they do not tip enough. But they would like some extra sauce before their food gets cold.

So here is Miss Manners' answer for the customers: You may ask your waiter, or you may ask any member of the staff who comes to your table -- up to and including the head chef -- politely, of course. If you cannot get anyone’s attention in a reasonable amount of time, then you may ask any employee or supervisor for help. And if the restaurant is particularly busy, it may take a few minutes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need to attend the funeral of a family member, and I’m dreading having to encounter a person who did very evil things to the deceased while they were alive, taking advantage of their age and good nature.

This person controlled the deceased, poisoned her mind against her own children and leeched off her financially. I cut off all contact with this person years ago, and now I’m afraid that I will have to face her.

I have no intention of initiating any conversation with her, but what do I do if she initiates one with me? In public, she loves to act like she’s a wonderful, friendly person. It’s part of her scam.

Can I just turn and walk away if she approaches me? She’s truly an evil, despicable individual. Still, I don’t want to create a scene at a funeral.

GENTLE READER: Not causing a scene at the funeral is a good etiquette rule to follow.

If this person approaches you, you may say, “Excuse me,” and walk away, purposefully, but without any show of anger -- as if you were called off to deal with something urgent. You can go to the bathroom for a minute if need be.

Miss Manners is indifferent so long as it convinces anyone watching that your departure was unrelated to the person. There will, if necessary, be other times to make a scene.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am of Asian descent and have lived in the U.S. for about two-thirds of my life. My pet peeve is when people ask me where I am from. I politely reply with the name of my home state (in the U.S.).

Yes, I still have an accent.

My kids were born in the U.S. and have grown up here; they have no accents and no ties to Asia. And yet, they get the same question. I'm not sure if first-generation immigrants who are white get this question.

GENTLE READER: Do you remember when this question was not considered an insult?

Because Americans often changed locations, moving around the country, it was once considered a benign conversation opener. Questioners might go on to say they had relatives there, or had vacationed there, or had never been, but hoped to go someday.

Miss Manners is aware that this no longer works. The assumed implication nowadays is the one you are thinking of: “You don’t really belong here.” Therefore, it is no longer a tactful way to open a conversation.

But when you are asked, suppose you try presuming goodwill. You could give a vague answer -- "I'm from around here," or “Down south” or whatever -- followed by, “And where are you from?”

If the response is “No, where are you REALLY from?” then Miss Manners agrees that it is offensive. But if, instead, the questioners launch into reminiscences about their own hometowns, you should assume that they just didn’t get the memo about this potentially fraught conversation starter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Earlier this year, I made arrangements with a couple of acquaintances to spend the night in a hotel to celebrate one of their birthdays and to sightsee.

Five weeks prior to the night, some close family friends told me they were coming to visit me that same weekend. I told the acquaintance whose birthday it was that I could not make it after all. They became upset because the hotel reservation was nonrefundable.

I apologized because these other friends were coming from out of state, and I am honestly closer to them. I asked the acquaintance if they could call the hotel to ask about a refund, but they refused. I called the hotel myself, and although the booking was nonrefundable, it could have been rescheduled.

I tried to explain this to my acquaintance, but all they would keep saying was, "It’s nonrefundable."

Am I still supposed to chip in? The person still went on the trip without me.

GENTLE READER: You will not have to worry about this next year.

Not only did you break a social (and financial) commitment, but you also made it clear that you did so because you had a more attractive offer. Miss Manners assures you that you will not be invited to celebrate this birthday again.

But yes, you should still pay your share.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went to the DMV to get a temporary tag, I noticed that every person in line -- about 25 people, from young to middle-aged -- was wearing their pajamas and flip-flops. They all looked like they had just rolled out of bed.

They were also all on their phones, oblivious to others. I felt like I was in their bedrooms or bathrooms, not in a public building.

Is it too much to ask another person to put on some decent clothes, wash their face, take their hair out of a shower cap, brush their teeth and brush their hair before being out in public? Is sloppy the new chic?

It’s downright disgusting and disrespectful of others. Do they go to school like this? To work? To church? Where are the boundaries?

I am befuddled and feel disrespected. I don’t have millions of dollars, but I can still roll out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, comb my hair and put on clothes before heading out the door to run errands -- even if it’s for 10 minutes.

I often wonder if this has triggered some of the anger in our public spaces. As I see it, if people can’t respect themselves enough to dress properly and practice hygiene, observing some social graces or norms when in public, then they don’t respect others. "Letting it all hang out" has gone too far.

It’s like living in a dystopia -- no rules, no boundaries, no etiquette. Meanness rules, and disrespect is the norm. Social graces were not created to make people feel superior, but to help people feel more comfortable around others. Something is wrong!

GENTLE READER: Well, they do feel comfortable around others. They are in their pajamas.

But, as you noticed, they don’t much care about how others see them. Causes could include the isolation of COVID, the idea that any style except “casual” is pretentious, ageism that fears looking “grown-up,” a lack of creativity in the fashion industry, the mistaken belief that other clothes must be constrictive, and simple laziness.

But Miss Manners still finds it odd. Don’t most of them post pictures of themselves for others to admire? Maybe it’s only "online people" they want to impress, not live ones.

But you are not the only person to find this unsightly. The world is beginning to notice, and several countries are now establishing dress codes for tourists.

Miss Manners can’t help thinking that the offenders also pay a personal price. Satisfaction, if not pride, in one’s appearance is known to be connected with morale.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am just back from what was supposed to be my dream trip to Italy and Spain. I won’t say it was a total nightmare, but I was treated rudely by locals who were protesting tourism. There were shouts and even a near miss from a water pistol.

We all know that these places' economies are based on tourism. And frankly, they couldn’t ask for a better visitor: I had studied up on their history and art, and learned enough Italian and Spanish phrases to speak to the locals in their own language. How did they even identify me as a tourist?

GENTLE READER: How were you dressed?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)