DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am of Asian descent and have lived in the U.S. for about two-thirds of my life. My pet peeve is when people ask me where I am from. I politely reply with the name of my home state (in the U.S.).

Yes, I still have an accent.

My kids were born in the U.S. and have grown up here; they have no accents and no ties to Asia. And yet, they get the same question. I'm not sure if first-generation immigrants who are white get this question.

GENTLE READER: Do you remember when this question was not considered an insult?

Because Americans often changed locations, moving around the country, it was once considered a benign conversation opener. Questioners might go on to say they had relatives there, or had vacationed there, or had never been, but hoped to go someday.

Miss Manners is aware that this no longer works. The assumed implication nowadays is the one you are thinking of: “You don’t really belong here.” Therefore, it is no longer a tactful way to open a conversation.

But when you are asked, suppose you try presuming goodwill. You could give a vague answer -- "I'm from around here," or “Down south” or whatever -- followed by, “And where are you from?”

If the response is “No, where are you REALLY from?” then Miss Manners agrees that it is offensive. But if, instead, the questioners launch into reminiscences about their own hometowns, you should assume that they just didn’t get the memo about this potentially fraught conversation starter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Earlier this year, I made arrangements with a couple of acquaintances to spend the night in a hotel to celebrate one of their birthdays and to sightsee.

Five weeks prior to the night, some close family friends told me they were coming to visit me that same weekend. I told the acquaintance whose birthday it was that I could not make it after all. They became upset because the hotel reservation was nonrefundable.

I apologized because these other friends were coming from out of state, and I am honestly closer to them. I asked the acquaintance if they could call the hotel to ask about a refund, but they refused. I called the hotel myself, and although the booking was nonrefundable, it could have been rescheduled.

I tried to explain this to my acquaintance, but all they would keep saying was, "It’s nonrefundable."

Am I still supposed to chip in? The person still went on the trip without me.

GENTLE READER: You will not have to worry about this next year.

Not only did you break a social (and financial) commitment, but you also made it clear that you did so because you had a more attractive offer. Miss Manners assures you that you will not be invited to celebrate this birthday again.

But yes, you should still pay your share.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went to the DMV to get a temporary tag, I noticed that every person in line -- about 25 people, from young to middle-aged -- was wearing their pajamas and flip-flops. They all looked like they had just rolled out of bed.

They were also all on their phones, oblivious to others. I felt like I was in their bedrooms or bathrooms, not in a public building.

Is it too much to ask another person to put on some decent clothes, wash their face, take their hair out of a shower cap, brush their teeth and brush their hair before being out in public? Is sloppy the new chic?

It’s downright disgusting and disrespectful of others. Do they go to school like this? To work? To church? Where are the boundaries?

I am befuddled and feel disrespected. I don’t have millions of dollars, but I can still roll out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, comb my hair and put on clothes before heading out the door to run errands -- even if it’s for 10 minutes.

I often wonder if this has triggered some of the anger in our public spaces. As I see it, if people can’t respect themselves enough to dress properly and practice hygiene, observing some social graces or norms when in public, then they don’t respect others. "Letting it all hang out" has gone too far.

It’s like living in a dystopia -- no rules, no boundaries, no etiquette. Meanness rules, and disrespect is the norm. Social graces were not created to make people feel superior, but to help people feel more comfortable around others. Something is wrong!

GENTLE READER: Well, they do feel comfortable around others. They are in their pajamas.

But, as you noticed, they don’t much care about how others see them. Causes could include the isolation of COVID, the idea that any style except “casual” is pretentious, ageism that fears looking “grown-up,” a lack of creativity in the fashion industry, the mistaken belief that other clothes must be constrictive, and simple laziness.

But Miss Manners still finds it odd. Don’t most of them post pictures of themselves for others to admire? Maybe it’s only "online people" they want to impress, not live ones.

But you are not the only person to find this unsightly. The world is beginning to notice, and several countries are now establishing dress codes for tourists.

Miss Manners can’t help thinking that the offenders also pay a personal price. Satisfaction, if not pride, in one’s appearance is known to be connected with morale.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am just back from what was supposed to be my dream trip to Italy and Spain. I won’t say it was a total nightmare, but I was treated rudely by locals who were protesting tourism. There were shouts and even a near miss from a water pistol.

We all know that these places' economies are based on tourism. And frankly, they couldn’t ask for a better visitor: I had studied up on their history and art, and learned enough Italian and Spanish phrases to speak to the locals in their own language. How did they even identify me as a tourist?

GENTLE READER: How were you dressed?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You have been influential in my decision to take up a new hobby this year: mailing handwritten letters to friends and family for a variety of occasions. This includes handwritten thank-you cards instead of my usual texts of gratitude upon receiving a gift when the giver is not present.

But I got myself into a funny conundrum. My aunt recently sent matching dresses to my two youngest girls. However, "Jane's" dress was delivered by the postman at the same time that he came and took the thank-you card I had written for "Jill's" dress, not knowing Jane was getting one, too.

I have a large extended family with literally dozens of aunts and uncles, and I do not have this aunt’s phone number. I feel like my options are as follows: Send another thank-you card tomorrow for both dresses, explaining why I'd sent the first one; ask my mother to text my aunt to let her know that I did, in fact, receive both dresses; or both.

I think it makes sense to do both. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Unless the first thank-you letter ended with, “And Jane says, ‘Thanks for nothing -- where’s my dress?’” it is fine -- nay, charming -- to send a second letter without referencing the first.

But if your mother is able to text your aunt, she has her contact information. Miss Manners is not suggesting you have to use it; she is just curious why, despite the dozens of relatives, you cannot seem to figure out how to find this aunt's number.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a very small apartment whose contents and decor I have curated according to my specific needs and taste. But even friends who know this about me give me gifts of coffee-table books, artwork, tableware, clothing and more, none of which I would have chosen for myself and none of which I have room for.

My gift preferences would be consumables -- food, flowers, nice soaps and the like -- and I do mention this when gifts are discussed.

Of course I am grateful for their kindness, and always thank them sincerely in a note, but I find myself regularly giving these presents away.

I once read that the purpose of a gift was to be received, which has alleviated some guilty feelings. So far, no one seems to have noticed that their presents are not present.

GENTLE READER: Lucky you. But even if they are misguided, please remember that your friends’ intentions are to please you, not torture you. And what you do with the presents is up to you. (Miss Manners is having trouble making sense of your "purpose of a gift" quote, but she is pleased that it seems to help you feel better about donating these items.)

As long as you continue to thank your friends, not berate them for their appalling lack of observation, everyone will be fine. Except perhaps the secondhand recipients of the cast-offs, who may be similarly annoyed that you do not understand their tastes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)