DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a four-family apartment building in a middle-class neighborhood. All of the tenants are very nice people, but the landlord is notoriously unresponsive.

I live on the second floor, and the young lady in the apartment next door to me has everything delivered to her. We share a common front stairway.

The other day, a delivery was made to her front door (a few feet from mine) from a local coffee shop. From the trail of evidence left by the delivery person, the lid of the coffee cup must have come loose on the front porch, then the drink spilled through the foyer and up two flights of stairs, terminating at her door.

It was a mess. The coffee must have been an extra-large with milk and sugar. My neighbor told me about the spill, that she had apprised the landlord of the mess needing to be cleaned up, and that she had left bad feedback for the delivery person.

And that was the end of the story -- a coffee-splashed stairway floor for everyone to try to tiptoe around.

How should I have handled this situation, and who do you think should have been responsible for cleaning it up: the delivery service? the landlord? my neighbor? other?

GENTLE READER: Your neighbor should have cleaned it up, or the building management could have, if they have regular arrangements for such things -- although it sounds as if they do not.

But if this goes on much longer, Miss Manners is going to come over and clean it up herself, if only to put an end to the discussion. Even if this was an extra-extra-large coffee, we are not talking about a Superfund site.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a subway station waiting for my train, standing near a column, when a gentleman emerged from the other side of the column. I was instantly face-to-face with this man, whose face was missing most of its features, presumably as the result of some trauma.

I am sorry to say I gasped. Very audibly.

We continued to wait for the train, and I didn’t know what to do. I stood there silently, smiling in what I hope was a friendly manner.

I can only plead that the gasp was completely involuntary and reflexive. Should I have apologized? At the time, I thought doing so would just make the situation even more awkward.

I was honestly at a loss as to how to remedy my poor behavior. This happened some time ago, but I have been bothered by it ever since.

GENTLE READER: That is understandable, but Miss Manners believes that you can stop now. You recognize that your reaction was involuntary, that you felt sorry, and that drawing too much attention to it would have made things worse.

The correct response would have been, “I’m so sorry; you startled me!” suggesting that you would have had an identical reaction to any visage at equally close range.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a single woman who is frequently asked about my plans for marriage. The individuals making these inquiries have no business asking this question, let alone hearing the answer.

I typically smile and change the subject without answering their question. A few times, when particularly startled, I have responded with, “I beg your pardon.”

Is there a more polite way to handle this highly impertinent question?

GENTLE READER: “If this is a proposal, I am sorry to have to disappoint you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been collecting silver flatware in various patterns when I see pieces at really great prices. I also love to entertain, both casually and semi-formally. In both cases, I love to mix up the place settings with all of my different patterns.

At this point, I’ve donated all my stainless steel flatware and only use the real silver.

Is it gauche for me to be using all these silver patterns together? My china is also a pattern wherein every piece is a different floral. My tablescape looks like a lovely English garden, and to me, it’s very beautiful.

I hope you tell me I’m not committing a horrible faux pas.

GENTLE READER: Well, you are leaving the impression that you have descended from well-stocked families, and inherited silver from various branches. As long as you do not actually say so, Miss Manners cannot count this as a faux pas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a 60th wedding anniversary party and it states: “ABSOLUTELY NO GIFTS.”

What can I do for the lovely couple, with whom I have been friends for many, many years? I really want to give them something!!!

GENTLE READER: Then give them something priceless: a letter of appreciation about them and their friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years, I have been friends with a person who is intellectually disabled. I became acquainted with him and his sister, who cared for him; his sister has now died, and he is living independently.

I take him on family camping trips, take him to lunches and dinners and visit with him often, as does the rest of my family. He and my son have developed a solid friendship.

After his sister died, his sister’s longtime best friend became his legal guardian. She thanks me for the things I do for and with him -- e.g., "Thank you for taking (name) camping," etc.

I knew him for years before I ever met her. Is it wrong or petty of me to resent her thank-yous? I do not feel they are necessary, as my friendship with this man is something I chose, not something I am doing out of “the goodness of my heart” or any other such sentiment.

How do I handle this?

GENTLE READER: By responding each time with, “No, no, it is I who am thankful to have such a good friend.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The culture of my academic field is very casual. I’m interviewing for professorships at several places, and the faculty committees in the interviews -- all “doctors” by title -- invite me to call them by their first names.

Having just completed my Ph.D., I’d like to ask them to recognize this, at least for the period of the interview, by calling me “Doctor Name.” Is there a way to request this with charm, flexibility and humility?

GENTLE READER: Do you not want a job?

Because a sure way to avoid getting one is to correct the interviewers. Especially, in this case, by suggesting that they -- who all have doctorates themselves -- should show you more respect because of your newly minted degree.

You also seem to be unaware that there are colleges and universities at which the title of "doctor" is not used, out of the assumption that all the professors have Ph.D.s, so it is hardly worth mentioning, let alone emphasizing.

Miss Manners suggests you study the description of the job for which you are interviewing. Does it mention "teaching the faculty how to behave"?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the bride’s parents pay for the wedding, should they not be able to invite at least half of the guests?

Our daughter has been engaged for almost two years and has a baby with her fiance. Now they want a wedding, so we told them how much we could contribute. They have no money set aside, and his parents will contribute nothing.

It seems that weddings have become outrageously expensive, so they will need to have a small event (no more than 100 guests).

Our daughter has now told us that since her fiance's parents both have big families, they will get 70 invites, while the bride and groom will be inviting 15 friends. Again, his family is not providing anything. The number of invitations left does not leave us room to invite first cousins, or any friends -- unless we up the budget, which is not possible at this time.

I guess I do not think it’s fair that we will be providing food, alcohol and entertainment for a group of people we have never met and cannot include important members of our family or close friends.

My husband says we gave them a budget and they can do whatever they want with it. I believe dividing the number of invitations evenly between families is the best choice.

Is there a rule of etiquette that supports either stance? Does Miss Manners have an opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: It is not that the bride’s parents should be allowed to issue invitations to the wedding because they are paying for it. Rather, it is that they should be allowed to issue invitations because they are the bride’s parents.

But before you are too pleased with that answer, it is also true that bigger families require more invitations.

Miss Manners is not suggesting that you solve this conflict by throwing more money at it. You need only recognize -- and teach your daughter -- that people are more important than lavish wedding accoutrements.

Therefore, the lists of people who are important to each family should be made first, in order to plan the budget for the wedding -- whether, for example, the reception is a tea instead of dinner, or the flowers are local instead of flown in from another continent.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)