DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a single woman who is frequently asked about my plans for marriage. The individuals making these inquiries have no business asking this question, let alone hearing the answer.

I typically smile and change the subject without answering their question. A few times, when particularly startled, I have responded with, “I beg your pardon.”

Is there a more polite way to handle this highly impertinent question?

GENTLE READER: “If this is a proposal, I am sorry to have to disappoint you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been collecting silver flatware in various patterns when I see pieces at really great prices. I also love to entertain, both casually and semi-formally. In both cases, I love to mix up the place settings with all of my different patterns.

At this point, I’ve donated all my stainless steel flatware and only use the real silver.

Is it gauche for me to be using all these silver patterns together? My china is also a pattern wherein every piece is a different floral. My tablescape looks like a lovely English garden, and to me, it’s very beautiful.

I hope you tell me I’m not committing a horrible faux pas.

GENTLE READER: Well, you are leaving the impression that you have descended from well-stocked families, and inherited silver from various branches. As long as you do not actually say so, Miss Manners cannot count this as a faux pas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a 60th wedding anniversary party and it states: “ABSOLUTELY NO GIFTS.”

What can I do for the lovely couple, with whom I have been friends for many, many years? I really want to give them something!!!

GENTLE READER: Then give them something priceless: a letter of appreciation about them and their friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years, I have been friends with a person who is intellectually disabled. I became acquainted with him and his sister, who cared for him; his sister has now died, and he is living independently.

I take him on family camping trips, take him to lunches and dinners and visit with him often, as does the rest of my family. He and my son have developed a solid friendship.

After his sister died, his sister’s longtime best friend became his legal guardian. She thanks me for the things I do for and with him -- e.g., "Thank you for taking (name) camping," etc.

I knew him for years before I ever met her. Is it wrong or petty of me to resent her thank-yous? I do not feel they are necessary, as my friendship with this man is something I chose, not something I am doing out of “the goodness of my heart” or any other such sentiment.

How do I handle this?

GENTLE READER: By responding each time with, “No, no, it is I who am thankful to have such a good friend.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The culture of my academic field is very casual. I’m interviewing for professorships at several places, and the faculty committees in the interviews -- all “doctors” by title -- invite me to call them by their first names.

Having just completed my Ph.D., I’d like to ask them to recognize this, at least for the period of the interview, by calling me “Doctor Name.” Is there a way to request this with charm, flexibility and humility?

GENTLE READER: Do you not want a job?

Because a sure way to avoid getting one is to correct the interviewers. Especially, in this case, by suggesting that they -- who all have doctorates themselves -- should show you more respect because of your newly minted degree.

You also seem to be unaware that there are colleges and universities at which the title of "doctor" is not used, out of the assumption that all the professors have Ph.D.s, so it is hardly worth mentioning, let alone emphasizing.

Miss Manners suggests you study the description of the job for which you are interviewing. Does it mention "teaching the faculty how to behave"?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the bride’s parents pay for the wedding, should they not be able to invite at least half of the guests?

Our daughter has been engaged for almost two years and has a baby with her fiance. Now they want a wedding, so we told them how much we could contribute. They have no money set aside, and his parents will contribute nothing.

It seems that weddings have become outrageously expensive, so they will need to have a small event (no more than 100 guests).

Our daughter has now told us that since her fiance's parents both have big families, they will get 70 invites, while the bride and groom will be inviting 15 friends. Again, his family is not providing anything. The number of invitations left does not leave us room to invite first cousins, or any friends -- unless we up the budget, which is not possible at this time.

I guess I do not think it’s fair that we will be providing food, alcohol and entertainment for a group of people we have never met and cannot include important members of our family or close friends.

My husband says we gave them a budget and they can do whatever they want with it. I believe dividing the number of invitations evenly between families is the best choice.

Is there a rule of etiquette that supports either stance? Does Miss Manners have an opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: It is not that the bride’s parents should be allowed to issue invitations to the wedding because they are paying for it. Rather, it is that they should be allowed to issue invitations because they are the bride’s parents.

But before you are too pleased with that answer, it is also true that bigger families require more invitations.

Miss Manners is not suggesting that you solve this conflict by throwing more money at it. You need only recognize -- and teach your daughter -- that people are more important than lavish wedding accoutrements.

Therefore, the lists of people who are important to each family should be made first, in order to plan the budget for the wedding -- whether, for example, the reception is a tea instead of dinner, or the flowers are local instead of flown in from another continent.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am expecting my second daughter in March. Our families are both looking forward to having a baby shower for two main reasons: This will be the first shower we’ve had, because we lived too far away last time, and also because I’ve had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy.

Obviously both sides of the family are very excited, and our friends are as well. I am excited, but also a bit conflicted. I’ve heard plenty of people complain that one shouldn’t have a baby shower for a second child because it can be greedy and selfish. I am trying to keep it as more of a "baby sprinkle" and focus on it being an excuse for friends and family to gather and have a fun time.

My main hesitancy is the baby registry. I made one as an idea list and wish list for myself, but now that we are getting closer to the event, people want to access it so they can get things for us.

That’s very kind, and I would be so grateful, but there are many things on there that are expensive or fancy because it was a WISH list! By no means do I expect anyone to spend $300 on an automatic soothing bassinet or $150 on a nice chair to support my back pain! I often just use the list as a reference so I can try to find secondhand pieces instead. (I saw a used version of the fancy bassinet for $25, so here’s hoping I can snag it before someone else.)

How do I politely tell people, “This list was designed as a reference for when I am thrift shopping; please do not feel obligated to buy anything because we are just looking forward to having fun with you”? Or should I just ... let them buy whatever they want?

I don’t want to be greedy or take advantage of our families' and friends' kindness.

GENTLE READER: Have you thought of making two different lists? Or abandoning a public one entirely?

If your guests insist on you giving them ideas, Miss Manners suggests you (or better yet, your mother or a close relative) state general categories like “books” or “diapers” or “onesies with funny sayings on them.”

Yes, you may have a few unwanted or duplicate items, but it will be so much more meaningful if guests are forced to use their imaginations. You may even find that, given the freedom to do so, they end up wanting to purchase those higher-end items themselves (where, again, a relative can steer them in the right direction).

Now, go get that $25 bassinet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Will you please help me with a response to the question, “How much did you pay for that?” I receive this question from friends, acquaintances and even strangers.

GENTLE READER: “Why? Did you want to buy it from me?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)