DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve seen young men with their mothers picking out a ring that the young woman of his choice is supposed to love and wear forever.

What if they picked something she really didn’t like?

I would like to propose a new tradition: The proposal is made and accepted, but instead of a ring, the proposer offers a jewel box that contains a diamond, or a stone that the newly minted bride-to-be likes, and an appointment time at a jeweler to select the setting that suits the wearer and the proposer’s budget.

The proposer should have already found out what type of stone is desired and the shape of the stone. The proposer can then choose the stone that fits the budget and will please its wearer. Often jewelers allow the stone to be replaced with a larger one and the price is discounted by the cost of the original stone.

GENTLE READER: Point taken. But rather than send those gentlemen around evaluating stones they know nothing about, Miss Manners would like to propose the revival of an older tradition.

Before a ring became a prop in performance art proposals, it was not considered necessary to present one at the time -- or at all. The offer of marriage was thought to be exciting enough.

Besides, what was the gentleman supposed to do with an expensive purchase if he were not accepted?

Presuming success, he might offer her a family ring, if he were fortunate enough to have one. (Admittedly, that would be hard to decline, but the lady could always say later that it was so precious to her that she would not risk losing it, therefore wearing it only on special occasions.)

Absent a family ring, however, the accepted suitor would make a private visit to a jeweler beforehand and set aside a selection of rings in his price range. Presuming success, there would then be a delightful excursion when he brought her to make her choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have an older live-in nanny for our two young children. During the week, she stays in our basement, where she has a bedroom, bathroom and living area, and she goes home on the weekends.

She has expressed to us that she feels uncomfortable when we have guests stay in her quarters over the weekend.

It seems odd to me that the basement should be permanently “hers” even when she is not there. Are we in the wrong?

GENTLE READER: By your own description, yes. She is a live-in employee, not a transient guest among other possible guests. Those are her living quarters, regardless of where she spends her time off.

Presumably, she keeps her clothes and other personal possessions there. Leaving them out for your guests to see must be disconcerting, and packing them away would be a nuisance.

Miss Manners suggests you think of this arrangement the way you would a rental property: Yes, it is still yours, but you do not have the use of it for the term when you have installed someone there.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a convenience store, with my arms full of groceries. There were three tall young men standing near the register in a group, and I asked if they were in line.

They said yes and lined up. When I thought they were finished, I placed my items on the counter and moved forward to the credit card reader, accidentally bumping into one of the men. He turned to me and said: “Well, you’re in a hurry, aren’t you?”

His manner was aggressive and his expression was hostile. I just stared at him, taken aback. What should I have said or done? I actually thought there was a chance he might strike me.

GENTLE READER: So should you have provoked them?

Miss Manners would not think that you wanted to get into a scuffle with a gang of what you believe to be rude and potentially violent men. But apparently many do. Miss Manners often hears about checkout lines turning volatile, if not lethal.

But not so fast. What about you?

Did you apologize for bumping into him? If not, his remark sounds as if it could have been merely a prompt to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend of over 30 years recently lost her husband and decided to move back to her home state to be near her family. She moved before selling her house here, which she and her husband had loved.

She has now listed the house, but it has had very few viewings, and no offers. I happen to be downsizing and am moving soon. I’m very lucky that my house sold quickly.

My friend seems to be angry with me. She told me that my contract was a bad one -- one she would never have accepted. Our houses are very different: Mine is small, and obviously sold for a much lower price. I’ve never mentioned the price, but it was posted online with pictures, and I know she’s seen those.

When I speak to her or text her, I refrain from talking about myself. I ask about her, her new house (she says she hates it), her vegetable garden, her pets, her family or anything new. I get brief answers on the phone and no response to texts.

I don’t know how to go forward, and I hate to give up this friendship. I know she’s still grieving her recent loss and I would like to be supportive.

GENTLE READER: It is not easy to be supportive of someone whose misfortune takes the form of attacking her supporters. You are kind to keep trying, and fortunate to be able to do this at a distance.

Miss Manners has never cared for the idea that grief gives one license to cause grief for others. If you are able to persevere, perhaps your friend will someday recognize your kindness and appreciate your friendship. But it would be understandable, if unfortunate, if her anger persists until you feel you have to give up.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have asked my friends to help me swap an engine on my pickup truck, and they have generously agreed.

Mechanic etiquette says that if your friends are helping you on a car project, you provide drinks while they work. A worker is worthy of their wages. However, I am unsure how many beers I should give them for their assistance.

If my friends are helping me replace my engine over the course of an evening, should I get a six-pack or a dozen beers for each of them? I have heard of splitting a 30-pack, but I don’t believe we are alcoholic enough to manage that.

While I want to be generous, I also don’t want to inebriate them and possibly cause injury or sloppy work. Other than perhaps asking if they want a nonalcoholic option, what do you think is a proper number of drinks to provide?

GENTLE READER: How about you save the alcoholic drinks until after the work is completed? Because Miss Manners shares your fear that a 30-pack of beer may render your workers quite unworthy of their wages. And leave you with a wrecked engine to boot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have autism, which makes it difficult to understand social situations -- especially within close friendships. I also tend to be a people-pleaser.

My best friend and I met in high school the day I moved to a new state, and we have now been friends for 13 years. I was the maid of honor at her wedding. I have stuck with her through the hard times she experienced, along with the happy times and some dark, depressing times. She is one of my favorite people to be around.

However, she has done some really wacky, hare-brained things that have led to arguments. She once volunteered me to help move a stranger’s things into their home; she's put me through a lot of four-hour improv shows that she was in (which were extremely inappropriate and in poor taste); she brings up people from my past who have hurt me terribly; and now she wants me to go to her speech contests, which are also four hours long.

I feel guilty for saying no. I told her that I have things I need to get done, and that I can only stay for the part when she is speaking.

I am desperate to keep this friendship. However, I am reaching my breaking point. It hurts. I love her. She is like my sister.

GENTLE READER: No living human should be subjected to four hours of improv.

Miss Manners notices that you mention your guilt for saying no to this, but not your friend’s reaction. You may be surprised by her acceptance of these boundaries, even if it does not seem probable at first.

It is certainly difficult to push back, but for the sake of the friendship, you must. Resentment is a much stronger relationship-killer than conflict. Almost as strong as those interminable performances.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)