DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a dinner party, my companion quietly excused herself after the meal to smoke a cigarette. She went outside, over our nonsmoking hostess’s protestations that inside was fine.

As I escorted my friend outside, I heard a fellow guest, the wife of a mutual acquaintance, shriek, “What? She SMOKES?” in a tone that would have been appropriate only if my companion had excused herself to murder people or purchase heroin. I ignored it, but I felt like I should have said something.

Is this kind of behavior going to become conventionally accepted as smoking is increasingly stigmatized?

GENTLE READER: One may have health concerns for those close to you who smoke -- or for yourself, if people smoke around you -- but there are legitimate ways to express those concerns. The case you describe fits neither.

This does not, however, entitle you to borrow your companion’s cigarette so that you can return to the dinner table and put it out in the rude guest’s entree. Miss Manners suggests you tell your smoking companion that you are sorry for the rudeness shown her -- and be grateful that at least the perpetrator was insecure enough to frame it as a loud stage whisper rather than a full-throated lecture to your companion’s face.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been given a budget to take some out-of-town folks to dinner the day before a conference. I emailed an invitation to everyone, and received back a lot of replies indicating that they were accepting -- and bringing a spouse.

I was a little surprised. Now I’m over budget, and I think I’m in trouble. Is this really my fault? Did I not word the invitation properly?

I’m at a loss for how to word an invite without sounding like I’m assuming they could bring someone unless I told them not to. What should I do next year -- demand the budget be expanded to cover extra people, just in case?

GENTLE READER: Where is your boss in all this?

Miss Manners asks because, while she is happy to get you out of this mess, she wants you to understand that this is a business operations issue, like the other hundreds you face every year.

You are not entertaining these people because you don’t have enough work during the day, nor because these people are your friends, nor because it is your idea of a good time. You are doing it because someone believes that it is in the business's interests that these customers/clients/employees be made to feel welcome while attending the conference.

In formulating the budget, no one thought to include spouses. With the benefit of experience, this was a mistake in judgment, as it leaves behind spouses who have made the trip and thought to participate in after-hours events.

Rather than demanding anything, you should be asking what your boss feels is of most value. Is it better to incur the added expense of inviting spouses, to incur the cost of displeasing these people, or to drop the preconference meal?

You are hoping there is a fourth option -- to convince these people to attend happily without their spouses -- but you already know there is not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We attended a charity event for a homeless shelter -- an event we have gone to for several years. This time, there was a guest speaker who was a former client of the shelter.

This gentleman had gone there when he was homeless and fresh out of jail. He spoke for 45 minutes, which I thought was way too long, and he included details about how he used to be a gang member, how his wife stole cars and how his youngest child was conceived at the shelter. He also talked at length about how all of this led to him becoming a born-again Christian.

Would it be wrong to give feedback to the shelter director that this speech was too long and too detailed? It was a turn-off for me!

GENTLE READER: Prior to dinner, did you make two online purchases, register at a website, drop a child at school, and go to a doctor’s appointment? And in every one of these encounters, were you asked if the exchange met your expectations and to give feedback? Were you then able to post your opinion about every other aspect of your day on your various social media feeds?

Miss Manners suspects that if she has the specifics wrong, she has the gist right: You have had more than enough opportunities to voice your opinion about everything.

Should you also tell the people who fed you about the things you didn’t like at their event? Did they even ask?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The homes in our neighborhood have very prominent “No soliciting” signs on the front doors. This usually does not stop various salespeople from ringing our doorbells and continually knocking on our door, as they can see through our open curtains that we are home.

They always seem incredulous when I yell “The sign says 'No soliciting'; that means you!” at them when they are standing in my yard, looking right at me through my living room window.

It feels rude to yell at strangers, but it also feels like they are trespassing and violating my privacy when they disregard my signage and look into my home. What would you have me do in the future?

GENTLE READER: Your request for stronger measures -- after admitting to the practice of yelling, at strangers, loudly enough to be heard through a closed window -- not unnaturally makes Miss Manners stop to think before she responds.

Is this a case of one straggler per week who, though annoying, could be either ignored or turned away at the door with a brusque “No thank you”? Or is there a line of salespeople jostling at the gate, day and night, whose comings and goings are keeping the baby awake?

Before we start building fences, investing in locks or calling the police, have you tried identifying the company whose representatives these are? If the repetition and intrusiveness is as seriously invasive as you suggest -- and you can keep your tone icily civil when you complain -- you can let the company’s attorneys deal with possible illegalities.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning to invite my daughter’s in-laws to a formal dinner. I plan to host it the way my late almost-aristocratic mother would have done 60 years ago: with fine china, starched linens, good silver, flowers, the lot. I am partly (well, mainly) motivated by a few snobbish remarks dropped by my daughter’s father-in-law.

The thing is, I was raised to roll up my napkin after dinner and put it in my napkin ring, with my name engraved on it, for later use. But I cannot remember for the life of me whether guests should find a napkin ring provided if they’re only staying for one meal.

GENTLE READER: If this gentleman is as pretentious as you say, he may well believe, as many now do, that silver napkin rings add a formal touch to a table. And he would be wrong.

They do not belong at company meals.

Your mother used the napkin rings to lighten the load of the laundress (who, for all Miss Manners knows, may have been your mother herself). The family used their napkins at more than one meal, so it was necessary to distinguish whose was whose. You wouldn’t want to be stuck with your brother’s napkin after he wiped jam all over it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my partner’s son’s wedding, the first row had names taped on the chairs for assigned seating. For the first row on the groom’s side, the first seat was for the groom’s mother, followed by the groom’s father (my partner), their daughter, the groom's mom's partner, then me.

I’d never met the gent next to me (the mom’s partner), so it felt awkward. But I made the best of it and chatted him up -- asking about his own children, as folks usually enjoy talking about that.

My partner and his ex are polite and cordial to each other. They’ve been divorced for 20 years, and my understanding is that it was acrimonious, but that they eventually developed an uneasy truce. They shared custody of their children, who have long since been adults.

We had assumed we’d sit together during the ceremony, so it was a bit of a surprise when the wedding planner told us about the seating arrangements about half an hour prior. Of course, we just accepted it and made no protest. We had no desire to make waves at his son’s wedding.

Was I wrong in feeling uncomfortable with this assigned seating situation? I hid my feelings and certainly won’t voice any complaints after the fact. Just wanted a reality check. Do you think my discomfort was understandable?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Instead, you should feel proud of yourself for handling an awkward situation graciously.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)