DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have changed from working at a veterinary clinic in a lower socioeconomic area to one in a more affluent area. I have noticed that when I refer my patients to the local specialist hospital, the hospital staff members are much more polite and respectful than they were when I called from my old clinic.

This upsets me on behalf of my previous clients, as they and their animals deserve the same treatment and respect as my new patients. Is there a way to gently encourage the hospital staff to be less concerned with the status of the area that the patients are from?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but if you want to avoid being called naive about the fact that money talks, you will have to play naive.

As a referring veterinarian, you will, at some point, be asked to share your thoughts on the hospital in question. No matter the form this takes -- questionnaires from the hospital itself, informal discussions at your new clinic, whatever -- include some negative examples about the facility's customer service from your days at the old practice. Do so without mentioning where the patients involved were from.

Given your status, this will cause concern and follow-up from the hospital. Even if the reasons for the disparate treatment turn out not to be as simple as you suspect, the hospital staff will realize your new clinic is speaking for the broader community. Miss Manners suspects all patients and facilities will benefit from this realization.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once a month, I make a four-gallon pot of soup for my small church community. When planning the soup, I keep in mind the many food sensitivities that members of the community have, and still manage to serve a tasty variety of soups.

Today, a member served herself a large bowl of soup, seasoned it, took a few bites, then dumped the remainder of her soup back into the pot. I approached her and asked her why she had done that, and she said it was more than she could eat.

I told her she should have dumped the extra soup in the compost bucket. I told her to never do that again. She acted as though I was being rude.

For food safety, I should have dumped the entire pot of soup into the compost, but I did not. I warned another member that the soup was no longer free of the seasoning she is allergic to, and apologized because she looks forward to my allergen-free soup.

How should I have handled the culprit?

GENTLE READER: You should have been polite to the errant member. Perhaps you were, though your lack of interest in asserting that you were -- and your use of words like "culprit" -- make Miss Manners wonder.

A polite correction would still have allowed you to make the woman understand that her thoughtlessness meant other people were going to go hungry. But it would have been done with a sad tone, not an angry one -- using phrases of apology, not confrontation. It would also have emphasized consideration for church members with allergies, not your own anger about wasting the time you put into the preparation.

If apologizing to this culprit seems counterintuitive, Miss Manners asks you to consider the alternative: Do you want to be polite and change this person’s behavior? Or do you want to be rude -- and, by going on the attack, give her a valid grievance?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was on a tennis team and was eliminated during a tournament. I was supposed to play two matches: I played one and won, but then got injured and bowed out of my second match. I then recovered, but still didn’t get to play in the remaining matches.

We had a very strong team, so I knew I wouldn’t play much, but thought I would at least get the required two matches. The captain had indicated that she was going to play me, but then she didn’t. I’m not a bad player, so I am not sure why.

We ended up going to the playoffs, and again the captain didn't put me in, which basically eliminated me from further play. It was very painful and hurtful and unnecessary, because even if I had played and lost, the team would still have gone to the playoffs. So I had words with the captain and then later apologized.

I didn’t hear anything from the team for a while, and decided to go to a different team for a different age bracket. I am officially still on my original team, but was never invited to anything. Then out of the blue, I received an invitation to a party for the team as they prepare for sectionals, which I can’t play in because I only played once.

I am in a quandary as to how to respond. If I’d gotten my two matches in, I could just go to the party and have fun, but there is so much pain at my elimination that I truly don’t know how to respond.

If I don’t go, it will look one way, and if I do, I don’t know how that will look.

GENTLE READER: The last time Miss Manners checked, tennis was played with a single ball, so let’s try and keep our eyes on that and cut out some of the weaving back and forth.

She understands your frustration with how this season went. But she expects what you are really wondering is how to fit in better with the team, so that next season goes better.

The problem you are having is that your teammates are tired of hearing about the game you did not play. If you can attend the party, be charming and tell everyone else how well they played, you should go. If your only topic is going to be your missed game, then thank the captain for the invitation but stay home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone I know messaged me about 5:30 p.m., requesting that I call them that evening as they had good news to share. But they also told me they were unavailable to talk from 8:30 p.m. and later.

I find this person stressful, and I'd already had a big, stressful day. So I politely sent a message back saying I was unable to call that evening. I never heard back.

Was that rude of me?

GENTLE READER: No. And while it was not, strictly speaking, rude of this person not to have followed up, or at least explained their request, Miss Manners considers it a good policy if they hope to encourage future compliance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just moved into a new home, and I wanted to keep that information private at the place where I am temporarily working. I’m not particularly close to anyone there. Several people are nice to me, but not to the point of being friends.

Well, word got out about my house, and now several people have invited themselves over or hinted as much. None of these people have ever socialized with me, so I find it odd and awkward that they would suddenly invite themselves.

I don’t entertain anyway, but I know telling them that will not work. I’m just really bothered that they say, “You’ll have to invite us over.”

What would you do? I need a list of excuses!

GENTLE READER: No, you need only one: “I’m not planning anything.” Or fewer than one, if that is possible: a strained smile and silence.

Miss Manners understands that people who have trouble saying no might be sorry to disappoint those who importune them. Or they may be cowed by the authority with which some people state their demands.

But to give a specific excuse is to admit that the matter is open for discussion.

You say you are busy? "Well, when will you be free?" they will ask.

You say that the house is not ready for visitors? "That’s all right; we don’t expect it to be in perfect shape."

You say you have guests coming? "We’d love to meet them."

And so on. If you don’t supply material, they can’t argue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was visiting a dear friend’s home a few days after her husband died. While I was there, her adult daughter arrived from out of town. I had not met her before.

We were introduced, and then I said, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

She immediately said, “I hate it when people say that,” and continued to complain about people always saying that.

What was I supposed to say in response? I was speechless.

GENTLE READER: Good. Because you wouldn’t have wanted to upset your friend by offering double condolences -- for losing her husband, and also for having a rude daughter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 64 years old. My mother insists that when I am offered another helping of food, it’s rude for me to reply, “No, thank you, I’m full.” She says I should just say "No, thank you" and leave it at that because no one wants to know whether I’m full.

If I say that I am full, she frowns and gives me a withering look. In fact, she gives me the same look when I just say “No, thank you” because she always thinks I’m going to add that I am full.

However, many of my other relatives regularly say that they are full! Is my mom right?

GENTLE READER: Always. And Miss Manners agrees that picturing your full stomach has a bad effect on other people’s appetites.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)