DEAR MISS MANNERS: All the bridesmaids for an upcoming wedding recently received a note from the bride’s mother stating that we owe a substantial sum of money to help pay for the bridal shower.

The shower has ballooned in size and scope to rival some weddings I’ve attended in the past, so I am not surprised it is proving to be expensive. But I had no input as to how big this shower has become, and being asked -- no, told -- to pay for it strikes me as inappropriate. Am I wrong?

I have no idea how to respond. How should I reply?

GENTLE READER: All of you should respond by asking the bride’s mother to give her daughter your love, along with your profound regrets that you are unable to serve as bridesmaids after all, having been unaware of the cost.

Bridesmaids are supposedly chosen because they are the dearest people to the bride. Why, then, are they considered exploitable for both labor and money? This calls for a strike.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Suppose Miss Jones marries Mr. Smith and decides, for whatever reason, to retain her maiden name. She is still deserving of the married honorific, is she not?

Is "Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones," therefore, the proper form to put on an envelope, to be followed by street address, city and state?

GENTLE READER: Deserving? “Deserving”?

Miss Manners chooses to believe that you only made an unfortunate word choice, not that you believe that it is an honor for a lady to be married, and that the title “Mrs.” reflects that.

But then why do you not accept the fact that this problem was solved with the 20th-century revival of the 16th-century title “Ms.”? It is an abbreviation of the honorific “Mistress,” which was the respectable equivalent of “Mister,” to be used regardless of marital status. "Ms." long predates the more restrictive abbreviations “Mrs.” and “Miss.”

So it is "Ms. Jones and Mr. Smith."

Also, you forgot the ZIP code.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The neighbor who lives directly across the street from me parks in front of my house. If this was occasional, I wouldn’t care, but it’s become the daily routine. I can’t imagine consistently doing this.

I enjoy looking out my window in the evening, but now my view is a car every night.

Today a work truck parked in front of my house, so the neighbor parked in their own driveway (which is always clear, as is their curb). When the truck left, they moved their car back to my curb, leaving their driveway empty the rest of the day.

I realize this could sound petty, but our other neighbors respect this unwritten rule.

GENTLE READER: In addition to unwritten, the rule is possibly unknown to this neighbor. Miss Manners trusts that you don’t think the car is purposely parked with the intention of blocking your view, and that you realize that others have a legal right to park on a public street.

Therefore, the neighbor would be doing you a favor by refraining from parking there. And to ask a favor requires purging any annoyance you feel and admitting that complying would be a voluntary kindness.

An amusing confession of your staring-out-the-window habit would be more effective than an admonishment for violating neighborhood expectations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A car wash I patronize has two single-occupant washrooms, one labeled "Men," the other "Ladies." I had availed myself of the men’s room, and as I was closing the door, someone pushed it open.

I stepped back, and in walked a 30-something woman. She closed the door, locked it and smiled at me as she walked by.

The men's washroom has a toilet and a urinal on one wall with a sink between them. The woman stood at the toilet, partly facing me, smiling, then dropped her slacks and underwear, giving me a view.

As she was sitting, she told me to go about my business.

Listening to her further stimulated me, so I proceeded to use the urinal. As I was zipping up, she stood, partly faced me again, giving me another view, then pulled up her clothing.

At the sink, she thanked me, adding that her need had been pretty urgent. I smiled and told her she was welcome. We continued some small talk, and she said, “Thanks again,” as we were walking out.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation. I haven’t mentioned these occurrences to anyone else, nor have they mentioned any similar ones to me. From a woman’s point of view, how should I have reacted?

GENTLE READER: Do Miss Manners a favor: Refrain from using the word “stimulated” when it is not meant sexually. And save your adult film-like descriptions of bathroom interactions for a different sort of column.

For any gender, using the bathroom is an eyes-on-your-own-paper sort of activity. Smiling, eye contact and small talk should be kept to a minimum and be strictly mundane. That is probably why your friends are not talking about it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends manage to arrive at most places at a specific time -- doctors' offices, work meetings, etc. However, two of my friends respond to my invitations by saying that they will be at my place “between 1 and 2.”

To me, this means that they disrespect my time and schedule, and they are unwilling to make a time commitment to me like they do to others.

Also, what am I supposed to do in that hour -- twiddle my thumbs?

From this point forward, I will be telling anyone who gives me an "arrival window" that that doesn’t work for me and that I’ll need a specific time. Anyone else have this experience?

GENTLE READER: Why is it that your friends are dictating what time they show up at your house in the first place? That is not how hosting works.

Miss Manners suggests you retrain them by giving a fixed time to show up and not accepting counteroffers. (“No, Darlene, I said 1 p.m., not between 1 and 2. I have to time the souffle.”)

There will be an awkward period as they get used to the change, and they might be unpleasant when you have to enforce it (flat souffle, anyone?). But, as with training a dog or a child, you will all come out stronger and less resentful for it. And with a better souffle.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a year ago, I met the man of my dreams, and he and I are planning a future together. I have a wonderful group of friends -- we are all in our 60s and 70s, and get together often for fun activities -- and I feel so fortunate that he and my friends adore each other. We have enjoyed many fun times with the group.

We joined three other couples for a potluck dinner and game night, which included a trivia game with categories arranged by generations. My partner is about a decade younger than I am -- a fact that most were already aware of, but apparently one gentleman was not. As this came to light in the course of the game, he made a reference to me as a “cougar.”

To be honest, it took me a while to reconcile the age difference in my relationship, and I am a tad sensitive about it, so the remark did not land well for me. I managed a weak smile that hopefully did not show my irritation, but I’d prefer to never hear this term lobbed in my direction again.

This gentleman tends to repeat himself when he feels he’s discovered a witticism, so it’s likely it will happen. He generally means well, so I don’t wish to embarrass him, but is there a way to graciously shut this down if I hear it again?

GENTLE READER: While it is kind of you not to want to embarrass him, he is not showing you the same respect.

Miss Manners therefore suggests that you turn that weak smile into something that does, in fact, betray your irritation, perhaps with a murmured “Not funny.” Anything less seems only to encourage him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering about the best way to answer odd questions, such as, "Do you know about Harlem?" or “Did you ever hear of The New Yorker magazine?” or “How much do you know about the arrondissements in Paris?”

I find these questions condescending, but maybe I am too sensitive. Am I required to give an answer, or may I just laugh and ask the person to continue the conversation?

The answers to the above questions are: Yes, I know about the history of Harlem and even the Harlem Renaissance. Yes, I have heard of The New Yorker, and have had a subscription for a number of years. I know a good deal about the Paris arrondissements; I studied French in high school and I am an avid reader of French novels.

GENTLE READER: “I do know something about those subjects. To what specifically are you referring?”

Not only is this more polite, Miss Manners assures you, but if you are truly an expert in any given field, waiting it out will also afford you a greater opportunity to top them later: “I actually wrote my thesis on Baron Haussmann. Of course, you know that he was instrumental in creating the arrondissements ...” And then just watch their faces.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)