DEAR MISS MANNERS: A car wash I patronize has two single-occupant washrooms, one labeled "Men," the other "Ladies." I had availed myself of the men’s room, and as I was closing the door, someone pushed it open.

I stepped back, and in walked a 30-something woman. She closed the door, locked it and smiled at me as she walked by.

The men's washroom has a toilet and a urinal on one wall with a sink between them. The woman stood at the toilet, partly facing me, smiling, then dropped her slacks and underwear, giving me a view.

As she was sitting, she told me to go about my business.

Listening to her further stimulated me, so I proceeded to use the urinal. As I was zipping up, she stood, partly faced me again, giving me another view, then pulled up her clothing.

At the sink, she thanked me, adding that her need had been pretty urgent. I smiled and told her she was welcome. We continued some small talk, and she said, “Thanks again,” as we were walking out.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation. I haven’t mentioned these occurrences to anyone else, nor have they mentioned any similar ones to me. From a woman’s point of view, how should I have reacted?

GENTLE READER: Do Miss Manners a favor: Refrain from using the word “stimulated” when it is not meant sexually. And save your adult film-like descriptions of bathroom interactions for a different sort of column.

For any gender, using the bathroom is an eyes-on-your-own-paper sort of activity. Smiling, eye contact and small talk should be kept to a minimum and be strictly mundane. That is probably why your friends are not talking about it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends manage to arrive at most places at a specific time -- doctors' offices, work meetings, etc. However, two of my friends respond to my invitations by saying that they will be at my place “between 1 and 2.”

To me, this means that they disrespect my time and schedule, and they are unwilling to make a time commitment to me like they do to others.

Also, what am I supposed to do in that hour -- twiddle my thumbs?

From this point forward, I will be telling anyone who gives me an "arrival window" that that doesn’t work for me and that I’ll need a specific time. Anyone else have this experience?

GENTLE READER: Why is it that your friends are dictating what time they show up at your house in the first place? That is not how hosting works.

Miss Manners suggests you retrain them by giving a fixed time to show up and not accepting counteroffers. (“No, Darlene, I said 1 p.m., not between 1 and 2. I have to time the souffle.”)

There will be an awkward period as they get used to the change, and they might be unpleasant when you have to enforce it (flat souffle, anyone?). But, as with training a dog or a child, you will all come out stronger and less resentful for it. And with a better souffle.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a year ago, I met the man of my dreams, and he and I are planning a future together. I have a wonderful group of friends -- we are all in our 60s and 70s, and get together often for fun activities -- and I feel so fortunate that he and my friends adore each other. We have enjoyed many fun times with the group.

We joined three other couples for a potluck dinner and game night, which included a trivia game with categories arranged by generations. My partner is about a decade younger than I am -- a fact that most were already aware of, but apparently one gentleman was not. As this came to light in the course of the game, he made a reference to me as a “cougar.”

To be honest, it took me a while to reconcile the age difference in my relationship, and I am a tad sensitive about it, so the remark did not land well for me. I managed a weak smile that hopefully did not show my irritation, but I’d prefer to never hear this term lobbed in my direction again.

This gentleman tends to repeat himself when he feels he’s discovered a witticism, so it’s likely it will happen. He generally means well, so I don’t wish to embarrass him, but is there a way to graciously shut this down if I hear it again?

GENTLE READER: While it is kind of you not to want to embarrass him, he is not showing you the same respect.

Miss Manners therefore suggests that you turn that weak smile into something that does, in fact, betray your irritation, perhaps with a murmured “Not funny.” Anything less seems only to encourage him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering about the best way to answer odd questions, such as, "Do you know about Harlem?" or “Did you ever hear of The New Yorker magazine?” or “How much do you know about the arrondissements in Paris?”

I find these questions condescending, but maybe I am too sensitive. Am I required to give an answer, or may I just laugh and ask the person to continue the conversation?

The answers to the above questions are: Yes, I know about the history of Harlem and even the Harlem Renaissance. Yes, I have heard of The New Yorker, and have had a subscription for a number of years. I know a good deal about the Paris arrondissements; I studied French in high school and I am an avid reader of French novels.

GENTLE READER: “I do know something about those subjects. To what specifically are you referring?”

Not only is this more polite, Miss Manners assures you, but if you are truly an expert in any given field, waiting it out will also afford you a greater opportunity to top them later: “I actually wrote my thesis on Baron Haussmann. Of course, you know that he was instrumental in creating the arrondissements ...” And then just watch their faces.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I share an apartment, and also share two pet snakes. These are not large reptiles, and are kept in very secure glass tanks behind closed doors.

We understand that many people are not comfortable with reptiles, so we never let them roam around the apartment. If we have company, we never bring our pets out or even open the door to that room; they stay completely out of sight. We would never presume to force anyone to interact in the slightest with an animal that caused them anxiety.

The problem is that my boyfriend’s father is so afraid of snakes that he will not even set foot in the apartment, despite the fact that they are securely contained and not visible. I would love to be able to entertain his family in our home, but his father is adamant that he will not come over until the snakes are no longer there.

Is it rude of us to persist in eating meals at their house and then not reciprocating? We are young and broke, so entertaining them in a restaurant is not a real possibility. Do we have to get rid of two pets in order to satisfy his father?

GENTLE READER: What you need is a mutual agreement on how you will reciprocate their hospitality. Would your boyfriend’s parents, for example, be amenable to having you sometimes prepare and bring a meal to them?

Surely that is preferable to finding alternative living arrangements for Antony and Cleopatra.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to exit a church at the end of a service? My boyfriend thinks that you must let everyone in the adjacent pew (the one closer to the doors) exit before you do. I view it more like a street intersection, but less formal, where groups of people take turns exiting.

In my view, you should not try to rush, bump or push people out of the way, but you should also go with the flow and not hold people up.

My boyfriend thought I was very rude, and berated me in the parking lot, because I did not let all of the people in the next pew exit first. Instead, I followed the woman in front of me. She had invited the people in the other pew to go first, but they said no, waving her ahead. I followed her out without stopping to invite the same people to exit first.

Was I rude?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners agrees that if someone asks people to go ahead, then the request should be obeyed, as it may mask a need for more time to disembark. You would hardly want to get into a pushing match in church with an elderly couple by insisting that you are not going anywhere until they get a move on.

Why you would want a boyfriend who berates you is another question.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)