DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a year ago, I met the man of my dreams, and he and I are planning a future together. I have a wonderful group of friends -- we are all in our 60s and 70s, and get together often for fun activities -- and I feel so fortunate that he and my friends adore each other. We have enjoyed many fun times with the group.

We joined three other couples for a potluck dinner and game night, which included a trivia game with categories arranged by generations. My partner is about a decade younger than I am -- a fact that most were already aware of, but apparently one gentleman was not. As this came to light in the course of the game, he made a reference to me as a “cougar.”

To be honest, it took me a while to reconcile the age difference in my relationship, and I am a tad sensitive about it, so the remark did not land well for me. I managed a weak smile that hopefully did not show my irritation, but I’d prefer to never hear this term lobbed in my direction again.

This gentleman tends to repeat himself when he feels he’s discovered a witticism, so it’s likely it will happen. He generally means well, so I don’t wish to embarrass him, but is there a way to graciously shut this down if I hear it again?

GENTLE READER: While it is kind of you not to want to embarrass him, he is not showing you the same respect.

Miss Manners therefore suggests that you turn that weak smile into something that does, in fact, betray your irritation, perhaps with a murmured “Not funny.” Anything less seems only to encourage him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering about the best way to answer odd questions, such as, "Do you know about Harlem?" or “Did you ever hear of The New Yorker magazine?” or “How much do you know about the arrondissements in Paris?”

I find these questions condescending, but maybe I am too sensitive. Am I required to give an answer, or may I just laugh and ask the person to continue the conversation?

The answers to the above questions are: Yes, I know about the history of Harlem and even the Harlem Renaissance. Yes, I have heard of The New Yorker, and have had a subscription for a number of years. I know a good deal about the Paris arrondissements; I studied French in high school and I am an avid reader of French novels.

GENTLE READER: “I do know something about those subjects. To what specifically are you referring?”

Not only is this more polite, Miss Manners assures you, but if you are truly an expert in any given field, waiting it out will also afford you a greater opportunity to top them later: “I actually wrote my thesis on Baron Haussmann. Of course, you know that he was instrumental in creating the arrondissements ...” And then just watch their faces.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I share an apartment, and also share two pet snakes. These are not large reptiles, and are kept in very secure glass tanks behind closed doors.

We understand that many people are not comfortable with reptiles, so we never let them roam around the apartment. If we have company, we never bring our pets out or even open the door to that room; they stay completely out of sight. We would never presume to force anyone to interact in the slightest with an animal that caused them anxiety.

The problem is that my boyfriend’s father is so afraid of snakes that he will not even set foot in the apartment, despite the fact that they are securely contained and not visible. I would love to be able to entertain his family in our home, but his father is adamant that he will not come over until the snakes are no longer there.

Is it rude of us to persist in eating meals at their house and then not reciprocating? We are young and broke, so entertaining them in a restaurant is not a real possibility. Do we have to get rid of two pets in order to satisfy his father?

GENTLE READER: What you need is a mutual agreement on how you will reciprocate their hospitality. Would your boyfriend’s parents, for example, be amenable to having you sometimes prepare and bring a meal to them?

Surely that is preferable to finding alternative living arrangements for Antony and Cleopatra.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to exit a church at the end of a service? My boyfriend thinks that you must let everyone in the adjacent pew (the one closer to the doors) exit before you do. I view it more like a street intersection, but less formal, where groups of people take turns exiting.

In my view, you should not try to rush, bump or push people out of the way, but you should also go with the flow and not hold people up.

My boyfriend thought I was very rude, and berated me in the parking lot, because I did not let all of the people in the next pew exit first. Instead, I followed the woman in front of me. She had invited the people in the other pew to go first, but they said no, waving her ahead. I followed her out without stopping to invite the same people to exit first.

Was I rude?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners agrees that if someone asks people to go ahead, then the request should be obeyed, as it may mask a need for more time to disembark. You would hardly want to get into a pushing match in church with an elderly couple by insisting that you are not going anywhere until they get a move on.

Why you would want a boyfriend who berates you is another question.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents decided to throw us a housewarming party -- the day after we moved our family of five into a new home. They invited some people around town who'd known me as a kid. They also invited my friends, and then asked them to invite more people. And they brought their own snacks.

We had been cleaning the apartment we had moved out of, and still needed to put up curtains and assemble beds in the new place. The guests were polite, but did not help us unpack, except for my brother, who helped me with my daughter’s bed.

Was there a polite way I could have asked these unexpected guests to leave so we could continue working?

GENTLE READER: Trying to explain to guests that, while it is true they were invited to your new home, you are not responsible for making them feel welcome because you were unaware an invitation had been sent is a bit like trying to explain to the police that, although you admit to driving the getaway car, you had no idea your friend intended to rob the bank.

Your audience will be skeptical -- if not outright hostile -- and you cannot rely on the people who know the truth to back up your story.

Miss Manners says this to encourage you to pay greater attention to your parents' plans in the future, in case you missed an earlier opportunity to squelch this one. By the time everyone had arrived, the most you could do politely was look so tired and overwhelmed that the guests decamped voluntarily -- or pitched in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often hear someone say something along the lines of, “We politely ask that you refrain from ...” or “We politely decline to accept ...”

Silly question, but this doesn’t make sense to me: If you’re asking or doing something politely, should you actually SAY you are doing that thing politely?

GENTLE READER: The correct form is, “We respectfully ask (or decline),” which Miss Manners would normally agree is silly, except that it is not easy to convey respect in very few words.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I prepared some hand-dipped chocolate goodies and delivered them to a couple of ladies in my neighborhood. A few days later, one of the ladies called me to tell me she was diabetic and couldn’t eat them.

I was sad that “the thought that counts” must not come into play anymore. I felt her phone call was rude and unnecessary.

Am I being petty, or was she being rude? It will make me think twice next time I try to be thoughtful. This friend certainly won’t see goodies from me again.

GENTLE READER: Then you will not want to hear that this lady spent the intervening time fuming over the thoughtlessness displayed in putting her health at risk -- as if, instead of trying to brighten her day, you had attempted to force-feed her.

Miss Manners recommends saying, “I’m sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting me know” -- and then tossing the conversation in the memory dustbin and, as was your plan, not repeating the gesture. This is also an approximation of what Miss Manners would have counseled the lady with diabetes, had she been asked.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)