DEAR MISS MANNERS: My young teen grandson has a steady girlfriend who is bright, beautiful and caring, and who makes my grandson happy.

They went to a school dance, and my daughter bought my grandson a special outfit for it. His girlfriend was lovely, but was wearing something that was clearly less than new. Of course, they had a wonderful evening. (Just for background: Yes, there is an economic difference between the two households.)

The prom is coming up, and I would love to give this young woman the prom dress of her choosing. It would warm my heart, but I don’t know how to suggest it or if I even should. There was a time in my life when I didn’t have something nice to wear to the prom.

Your thoughts? A gift card? A faux lottery win? I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

GENTLE READER: Then please do not let this young lady know that you considered her shabbily dressed. Miss Manners knows that you mean it kindly, but offering to upgrade the wardrobe of your grandson’s teenaged girlfriend is so out of proportion to the situation as to likely embarrass her and her family.

Her parents, or the girl herself, may well be offended at the notion that her family cannot afford to meet your family’s dress standards. They may feel that such a gesture leaves her indebted to you, with the implication that she is not free to break off the relationship if she ever wants to.

And she may do so, if she cannot help thinking that the young man was ashamed enough of her appearance to appeal to his family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Relative to the longstanding tradition of men proposing marriage to women, and in this day of slow (but hopefully inexorable) movement towards gender equity, I wonder if the percent of marriage proposals initiated by women has increased. Should it?

GENTLE READER: Sure, it should. In a sensible world, it would hardly matter which half of a couple suggested getting married.

But there is nothing sensible about what has happened to marriage proposals. In today’s show-offy society, where nothing counts unless it has received the widest possible publicity, marriage proposals have become performance art.

In what seems like a parody of a ritual that exists mostly in the imagination of cartoonists, the proposal requires the gentleman to be on his knees offering an astonished lady a box containing a ring. Apparently, he is also supposed to arrange for it all to be photographed, and there is extra credit for special effects, such as skywriting. And so that all this effort is not wasted on merely the lady, the couple's friends and relatives may be invited to make surprise appearances.

There is always the possibility of high drama if the proposal is refused. But generally, this is a staged event by couples who have already agreed to marry. That, alone, constitutes an engagement. Yet they claim that they are not engaged until this rite is performed.

That Miss Manners finds this laughable will not -- and should not -- discourage those who enjoy it. But she will point out that this pseudo-retro act is firmly cast by gender roles.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I have a long-standing, semi-joking disagreement, but I do think my behavior bothers her, and I just don’t understand why.

We typically meet for dinner. Now, I am not a big dining-out person. I am just not that interested in food. I’m more of an “eat to live” person, if you know what I mean.

My friend gets a lot more enjoyment out of food than I do, and I’m perfectly happy to spend time with her at a restaurant, even though the food itself isn’t a main selling point for me, if that makes sense. It’s a fine place to catch up with her.

The problem is that I usually ask the server to decide what I will have, instead of ordering myself. I have little interest in the food, and as employees, they certainly know the menu much better than I do, and what people want when they come to that restaurant.

Last week when asked for my order, I said, “Whatever makes sense!”

Well, the server and I had already chatted a little and he didn’t seem to have a problem with my order. He recommended something, and I was fine with it, but my friend was embarrassed and accused me, essentially, of being a poor restaurant patron.

She seems to feel that I’m putting some kind of burden on the servers and possibly making them uncomfortable by asking them to decide what I get. But to me, I’m simply streamlining an interaction in which the server is best placed to know what I should order. Is this really that weird?

GENTLE READER: That you do not have a passion for food is fine. That you are open to suggestions from your server is also fine.

But showing disdain for those who take it seriously by openly expressing your apathy is where Miss Manners -- and your friend -- found fault. That is what made the interaction with the server uncomfortable, not the asking itself. If that makes sense and you know what Miss Manners means.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent out party invitations that included my grandnephew. He RSVP'd that he would be attending, along with his girlfriend.

I had not invited the girlfriend -- I didn’t even know he had one! Of course she is welcome, but is there a polite way to tell him that guests don’t invite people who hadn’t been invited in the first place?

I don’t want to start a family feud, or to let his mother (my niece) think that I am trying to tell her how to raise her son. At least he RSVP'd.

GENTLE READER: True. But doing so only when one wants to invite other people surreptitiously does not make it even.

As a polite warning for future invitations, Miss Manners suggests you say to your niece, “We were so surprised and happy to hear that Chase has a girlfriend. Had we known, we would have put her on the invitation ... but I’m glad she was able to attend anyway.” Of course, you could also say this to Chase himself. In case he changes girlfriends.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend, Nora, whom I have known since high school. She now lives in a nearby town, but too far to just make a visit for the day, so when we do get together, it requires a weekend stay for her and her husband.

We do get along and enjoy their visit, except for one thing. When I entertain, I like to plan all the meals, snacks, etc., and prepare them in advance so I don’t spend a lot of time cooking while they are here.

However, my friend announces that she will be preparing breakfast or whatever and marches into the kitchen in spite of my telling her that I already have something prepared.

I have allowed her to do this a couple of times, but I resent that I have had to freeze a casserole or dispose of what was already prepared. To make matters worse, she is disorganized and slow and appears so helpless that her husband will come to the rescue and finish cooking whatever it is she started.

Then every bowl, dish, plate and piece of cookware is dirtied, and the kitchen is a wreck!

I have tried to politely tell her no, she is my guest and it is my pleasure to serve her, but she argues that she is trying to help and doesn’t want me to do all the cooking.

The last straw was this weekend, when she announced she would be making breakfast, and I said, “No, you’re not. I already have blueberry muffins.” She then said, “I will just whip up some eggs.” When I told her no, I would take care of breakfast, she screeched, “Well, why not?”

In exasperation, I replied because it is my kitchen. Her reply absolutely floored me when she told me that she was standing in the kitchen, so it was her kitchen, too!

So before I said something I would regret, I walked out of the kitchen. At that point, she said that we could all just go out for breakfast, which we ended up doing. Once again, I froze the batch of muffins that were intended for that morning.

How do I deal with this pushy woman who can’t take no for an answer? By the way, I am a fairly decent cook, so that is not the issue.

GENTLE READER: You are going to have to set some firm rules with Nora -- and make her next visit contingent upon following them. Outline your meal plans, perhaps telling her what you are contemplating and accepting her (limited) input in advance.

Inform her that if she would like to contribute, it must be in restaurants only. Remind her that if she insists on cooking for you, you are always happy to go to her house.

Normally, Miss Manners is not so calculated about her entertaining (although overnight guests do require more explicit planning), but Nora is a feisty one. And as she seems to have a proclivity toward declaring things her own when they are in her proximity, you might want to keep a firm watch on the silver.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited guests to dinner. We had tons of appetizers and food and nonalcoholic drinks. One of the guests wanted wine, which I did not have. Just before sitting down to eat, they went out to buy a bottle. Do you think that was rude?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Not only because it was against your wishes, but because it caused dinner to be delayed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)