DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin invited me for dinner on a Sunday night and asked me to bring wine and a dessert. When I got there, she said it had been a very busy weekend and she hadn’t had time to cook.

She took me with her to a chain takeout place and bought one item that the sign said was for one to two people (her husband and daughter were joining us). So I bought (and paid for) more food so there would be enough for all of us. She thanked me profusely.

A couple months later, she invited me over on a Sunday again (with a request for wine and an appetizer), and again, she didn’t have time to cook and she brought me with her to another chain takeout place where she hemmed and hawed about prices (she said they were broke after buying a new SUV and taking an expensive Hawaiian vacation) until I offered to pay for half.

I don’t mind chipping in, but I’m wondering why she’s inviting me over at all if entertaining is a burden, both time-wise and financially. Am I rude if I politely decline the next invitation?

GENTLE READER: The expression that comes to Miss Manners’ mind is “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

Should you still wish to go to dinner at your cousin’s, you might ask her just beforehand whether she has had time to prepare, because if not, you will spare her the rush and go another time. It will at least alert her that you are on to her little scheme.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I entertained two guests on separate occasions: One was a guest for the weekend, and the other just for dinner. Each one put their feet on my coffee table as they were sitting on the couch. (One was barefoot and the other was shod.)

Astounded as I was, I said nothing. What would have been the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: “Sorry, I don’t have a footstool, but I can get you a pillow. Meanwhile, let me move this coffee table out of your way.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I invited a new friend, who lives about three hours away, to stay with us when they were visiting our city.

We told them to make themselves at home -- "Once you know where things are, please help yourself" -- and they did make themselves comfortable. However, they didn’t clean up after themselves: dirty dishes and glasses left everywhere, dirty coffee spoons left on the counter (right below where the saucers are clearly kept), etc.

I’ve never visited family or friends without cleaning up after myself. Should I follow houseguests around to clean up their dishes? Or should I politely inform them I am not here to be their waiter, busboy and cook? How should I address this politely?

GENTLE READER: Maybe you should have checked out their home before telling them to consider yours theirs.

There is no polite way to chastise your guests. But Miss Manners will allow you to help them feel even more at home by saying, “Here’s where the dishes go after we wash them.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am disabled, and I use a walker to get around. While I am somewhat used to small children asking questions about my walker, I am surprised, and even shocked, when adults do.

I was at an event recently when a woman I did not know asked, “So, you don’t really NEED that thing, do you? You just like having it, right?”

I responded by telling her that I DO need the walker, then moved away from her. Some friends at the event were appalled at her questions.

My son and I were at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago. As we were being escorted to our table, the host asked, “Why do you have that thing? Is it your back? Your hips? Your legs? What’s the problem?”

I replied, “It’s everything.” He laughed and said, “Oh, it’s everything!”

Is there a polite response to these questions? Honestly, I am offended that anyone would ask a disabled person about their issues. And as offended as I was, my son was even more so.

It’s challenging to go anywhere when you feel that people are staring at you, and even worse when you add in the possibility of a rude person asking for an explanation of your physical issues.

GENTLE READER: A look of shock is all that is required. But if the questioning does not cease, Miss Manners suggests you say, “I gather you are asking because you are in need of one?” Perhaps this will quiet them into wondering, at least, why they are so impertinently interested.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece, in her 30s, has now earned a graduate degree. While I provided her a generous check when she graduated from undergraduate college many years ago, I’m not quite sure what to give her this time around.

She has a well-paying job, so giving her money doesn’t seem appropriate. Any other ideas on a token of my congratulations for her success?

GENTLE READER: A pen -- so she can sign her own checks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I will be hosting a family gathering for our kids and grandkids. On top of having many people to feed, there are my (medically dictated) dietary restrictions to consider.

We have a family member who is curious about my special food and wants to sample it, even though I’ve explained there’s a purposeful reason for the difference in what I'm eating and the food I’ve prepared for guests.

What should I do when the whole family of 11 gathers in our home? Am I coming across as selfish or snooty when I try to mark a distinction between the foods provided? Should I prepare my food in the utility room instead of the kitchen?

GENTLE READER: Is your special food so flavorless that you cannot make it for the whole family?

For your sake, Miss Manners hopes not. She suggests that you create a menu, at least 75% of which is OK for you to eat. Then, just for fun, do not tell your curious family member which 75% it is.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have some friends who live eight hours away, and they have been after us for the past few years to visit. A few weeks ago, we made the drive to see them and stayed two nights.

Both mornings, they slept very late, rising after 10 a.m. We got up and made coffee, and that was the extent of the breakfast. We took them out to a restaurant dinner one night, and the next night, they ordered pizza and passed out flimsy paper plates.

We left the following morning, after we again had made the coffee. They did pull themselves out of bed to see us off. We stopped at a fast-food restaurant to eat.

It felt disrespectful to me that we were not worthy of them getting up at a reasonable time, perhaps actually cooking something and, that aside, using something other than paper plates. The two of them are also constant quibblers.

We are considering not making the effort to see them in the future. Am I being too picky and snobbish, or expecting too much?

GENTLE READER: It is a very different thing to live with someone -- even temporarily -- than just to know them socially. Your friends have a home routine that does not meet your expectations, and while it does not make them great hosts, it does not necessarily make them bad companions.

Miss Manners suggests that you keep the friendship away from overnight visits. Unless, of course, you want to act as hosts next time and show them how it is properly done. Just be prepared for them to sleep through your homemade breakfast served on china plates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it a requirement to bring a gift to an engagement party when a gift registry is not included in the invitation?

GENTLE READER: It is not even a requirement when it is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m wondering how to address my 10-year-old granddaughter when she says things that are unkind to me.

She has a habit of putting down her younger brother (saying he’s stupid, lazy, fat, etc.), for which I’ve admonished her. We’ve always had an excellent relationship, but I notice she’s now directing these types of comments my way, particularly about my innate physical characteristics. (She comes from a family of great beauties, and I’m not overly attractive.)

I’m reluctant to give her the power of knowing she can wound me, but I’m not quite sure how to handle this passive-aggressive behavior. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Yes, two. First, that you recognize that this behavior is aggressive-aggressive, not passive-aggressive. And second, that you dissuade yourself of the idea that the power is hers if she knows she can wound you.

Miss Manners hopes that at 10 years old, this child is not beyond learning empathy -- or at the very least, the consequences of damaging relationships. As her grandmother, you have the standing to tell her that this is hurtful and that insulting people is not acceptable.

You may add that others -- e.g., her friends -- may not give her the second chance that you will.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)