DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, I developed a gluten intolerance. While I am blessed that it isn’t full-blown celiac disease, I am unable to eat many everyday treats, such as the free donuts in the break room at work.

My co-workers have no issue with my not eating a donut; not only do I work with lovely people, but it is a small office and everyone knows of my predicament.

But when I’m out and about, I can run into issues.

I was at the library and was offered a cupcake -- it was a librarian’s birthday, and she had received a whole box of them. I told her "Thank you, but no thank you." Likely assuming I had demurred out of politeness, she very kindly insisted.

I didn’t quite know what to say, but when I mentioned being unable to eat the cupcakes, she seemed to deflate a little. It was obvious she hadn’t meant to be rude, even if no offense was taken, and it made me feel bad in turn.

Do you have any advice for what I should say the next time I encounter someone trying to be nice by innocently offering me a snack? I can deal with the rude people who say things like, “It’s not that big of a deal! Everyone has an allergy these days.” But I find myself at a loss when it comes to those who mean well and have nothing but kindness in their hearts.

GENTLE READER: Meaning well is offering you a cupcake. Meaning well is not, however, using emotional blackmail to make you eat something you have politely declined.

The social weaponizing of food is a modern concept that has created no end of trouble. If people would stop monitoring what others are eating or not eating, the world would go around a lot faster.

Miss Manners assures you that in such a situation, you need only keep repeating “No, thank you” until either the food bully is discouraged, or the cupcake has aged so much as to be unsuitable for consumption.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was fortunate enough to inherit my mother’s thick and wavy hair. Since I stopped coloring it a few years ago, it has turned a lovely shiny silver and white. I know this is not an accomplishment of any sort; it is simply the luck of the gene pool draw.

Strangers frequently approach me to say how much they admire my hair, and I don’t know how to respond. Typically, I say “thank you” and keep moving, but I am afraid it sounds a bit arrogant, as though I hear this all the time, or dismissive, as though I won’t acknowledge that the person is trying to make my day.

What is the polite way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: Try saying “thank you” as if you do not hear this all the time and are pleased by it. These people are saying it to you for the first time, and are hoping to please you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a longtime friend who seems to consider herself very well-mannered. She writes her thank-you notes on cards and mails them, while I send my thank-yous by email.

When I tell her she doesn’t need to do a handwritten thank-you, she says, “My mother taught me to always do it that way.” Of course, that makes me feel “less than” for my emailed thanks.

When she comes to visit me, she always brings a hostess gift. It’s very thoughtful, although it’s usually something I can’t use. I appreciate the gesture, though.

She knows that my guest bedroom and bathroom are stocked for the use and comfort of my guests. Yet, when she takes a shower, she only uses the hand towel to dry herself. She uses a bath towel at home.

I assume she feels it is somehow more polite to not soil a bath towel, but to make do with a hand towel. I don’t say anything about it, but it feels like an insult to me. I am trying to provide everything to make a guest feel at home. How should I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Whoops! Miss Manners was about to chastise you for criticizing your friend’s good manners, and even to insinuate that you were doing so to justify your own lower standard. Take that!

But then she got to the part about the hand towel.

What was your friend’s thinking? That she would deprive herself of being comfortably dry in order to spare you the effort of laundering a larger towel?

OK, that crosses the border into rudeness. It suggests that hospitality is burdensome to you, to the extent that you would appreciate a guest’s discomfort.

There is not much you can do about it without seeming to suggest that your guest is not bathing. (Then again, perhaps she is not.) Just keep putting out the towels -- perhaps saying, pointedly, “These are for your use” as you supply them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married. Besides me (his mother), he has his maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother, paternal step-grandmother and paternal great-grandmother. Some of these have living spouses, and some do not.

Who sits where? What order are we seated? He is blessed with longevity in his family, but leaves his mother perplexed.

GENTLE READER: Even if it were common to have families as lucky in longevity as yours, there would be no corresponding seating chart. No good would come of ranking an entire family that closely.

It is customary for the couple’s progenitors to sit in the front row of their respective sides. If the row is not long enough, other relatives should file in politely behind them, without making a fuss over exactly where.

Miss Manners appreciates your family's apparent lack of old feuds among these relatives -- it is simpler when there is no need to scuffle for advantage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a tradition to leave an envelope unsealed when it is delivered by hand? And, if so, why?

GENTLE READER: Yes. It means, “I trust you not to snoop.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I appeared in a local theatrical production that was well-received. One of our performances was attended by my closest friend, who brought along his lovely wife and two wonderful children.

After my performance, my friend waited for me with his family to congratulate me and invite me to join them at a nearby ice cream shop. Always happy to spend time with them, I gratefully accepted.

As we sat at our table enjoying our refreshments and I was hearing their thoughts on my performance, a man approached our table and immediately began speaking to me about the production.

While I’m grateful that he is supporting the local arts and that he enjoyed our production, being approached by strangers while I’m dining out with friends is awkward for me. Particularly since he seemed to have no interest in even acknowledging my friends.

Should I have explained that I was dining with friends and excused myself or introduced my dining companions to this gentleman (who addressed me by name, but never mentioned his)?

As it is, he spoke for several seconds, although it seemed much longer, about how much he enjoyed our production and his favorite points in the show. I thanked him, and he left. My friends at least were very understanding and seemed content to listen to our exchange in quiet amusement.

After he left, I apologized for the interruption. My friends seemed to take this in stride, perhaps recognizing the awkwardness and my uncertainty as to how to deal with this situation.

How should I have handled this? Obviously, I don’t wish to alienate an appreciative audience member, but I certainly don’t wish to be interrupted while in the company of dear friends, particularly by someone who ignores them to talk to me.

I’m certain I did a poor job of dealing with this, so I turn to Miss Manners for her sagacious counsel.

GENTLE READER: If an exchange like this goes on for more than those several seconds, Miss Manners’ sagacious counsel is that you tell the gentleman that you appreciate his compliments, but you are out with friends you have not seen in a while. If an opportunity to introduce them feels right, then you may do so to ease the dismissal.

But if you are to pursue a life in the arts in performances that are as good as this gentleman says, you should get used to addressing your fans -- graciously, but with boundaries.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I belong to a couple of women’s groups. Oftentimes some of them, plus other friends, make the sort of comment, "You cannot quit or die (I’m 77) before I do and leave me here all alone."

While this may be construed as flattery (they can’t live without me!), my reaction is more of, “Thanks a lot. Now who am I supposed to always have available for ME?”

I need to find a response to those comments that doesn’t sound so peevish. I also don’t want to make them feel bad when they think they’re being complimentary. What may I say?

GENTLE READER: “As you well know, that is beyond any of our control.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)