DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach remotely at a university in my hometown, while currently living in a different state.

The politics of my department are deeply unhealthy, and the toxic environment has brought me closer to another junior staff member. Over the past four years, the two of us have bounced ideas off each other and commiserated over some of the nonsense that is permitted in our department. When I’m in town for work, we always go out for dinner and usually have fun, as we share a similar sense of humor.

When I invited my colleague to a conference taking place in my state, she and her husband stayed with my family for two nights. I felt we were hospitable, but there was zero graciousness on my colleague's side. Rather, there was a lot of complaining about how unwell she felt, about her various health complications, about other issues in her life, degrading comments about the state where we live -- a general stream of negativity.

Now what do I do at work? I’m so turned off by the lack of regard she showed as a houseguest and the way she spoke to her husband that I’m not sure I can go back to our office banter and support. I want to create distance, but not upset the apple cart. Is this possible?

GENTLE READER: One of the drawbacks of work friendships is that bonding over complaining about the boss is not necessarily the way to find the happiest of people. The other drawback is that they are hard to shake when you find them tiresome. Miss Manners realizes her solution may come as a surprise, which is to steer the conversation back toward work -- and to gradually reduce your off-hours availability.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to attend a church function with a friend. The staff was offering tours of the church's grandiose, newly remodeled facility, and upon entering a particularly opulent room, where parishioners are baptized, I let out a “Wow!”

The young lady helping visitors navigate through the room promptly “shh’d” me with a stern look and a finger to her mouth.

Mind you, there were no ceremonies taking place at the time; it was strictly a tour. I have a deep voice that tends to resonate, but I didn’t feel as if I were “shouting to the heavens” -- simply noting my awe in something slightly louder than “library voice.”

I was raised to believe that shushing someone is innately rude and tactless, and I told my friend as much. She told me I was reacting like a sulking child. Could you please offer your thoughts on the situation from a mannerly point of view?

GENTLE READER: From a mannerly point of view: No good will come of this.

But that was not your question, was it? The guide may have overstepped, but she may also, like a librarian, have been exercising reasonable custodial authority in shushing unruly guests.

Miss Manners finds it less easy to excuse your criticism of her to your friend, which she assumes occurred in the young lady’s presence -- or your friend’s response, even if motivated by embarrassment. Which brings us full circle to why it would have been better had you simply apologized and moved on.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I enjoy riding a tandem bicycle and have done so for many years and miles, both near our home and in far-flung locations. I ride in the front as the “pilot,” and my wife is the “stoker” behind me.

As you may know, there is inevitably someone who finds it humorous to call out “She’s not pedaling!” as we pass by, quite often as we are taking on challenging terrain.

Having encountered this phenomenon too many times to count, neither of us finds it within ourselves to share in the amusement. On the contrary, as my wife takes her role in our team effort seriously and is quite fit, we both struggle to avoid succumbing to irritation.

Each of us, in turn, has attempted responses in friendly jest, with some success. But other times, we find ourselves caught dumbstruck. I wonder if Miss Manners might suggest a polite way to maintain a friendly, casual exchange while being clear that we respect each person’s effort and dedication to an activity that we truly enjoy?

GENTLE READER: Smile and wave, as if responding to an entirely different comment such as, “Well done!” The caller will be perplexed or frustrated and assume you misheard, but by then, Miss Manners trusts, you will have passed them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know the most polite way to request water with no ice at a restaurant.

The most common experience for me is that the waitstaff will come to the table, pitcher in hand, and immediately pour water (with ice) for everyone. I know he or she is trying to be accommodating, but most often, I prefer no ice. Sometimes I would like sparkling water, if they have it.

When there is a glass of ice water already poured for me, should I just accept it, or should I say something? I have spoken up in the past, but I feel like a difficult patron.

GENTLE READER: One of the few upsides of the apparently increasing rudeness of contemporary society is that Miss Manners can assure you that if you politely ask for plain water in a restaurant, you will not be the most difficult patron there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a wedding to plan, but I don’t know anyone’s address! Most of my friends move every couple of years.

I figure that simply asking for their address via text is fine (right?), but it also got me thinking: How does one send a condolence card to a person whose address you don’t know? Texting the bereaved seems callous, and responding is probably not on their list of priorities.

GENTLE READER: 1. Text: “Could you please send me your address? I’d like to send a condolence letter.” 2. Letter.

Miss Manners is grateful that we have different means for different messages.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one dress for the opera nowadays? It’s our first time at the Met, and I got good seats for my wife and myself.

In London, I wore a suit, and then after the pandemic, I wore chinos and a jacket. London is easygoing. Is New York snooty?

GENTLE READER: Snooty?

Please do not use that word anywhere near the opera, which you obviously love. It is an association that has driven people away from enjoying robust music and stories of sex and violence, thinking that opera is fit only for snobs -- who don’t really enjoy it, but believe that it conveys class and status.

Nonsense. Historically, opera in America was mass entertainment. Opera companies traveled around the country, where towns had opera houses -- and opinionated audiences to fill them.

How did they dress? Probably in their Sunday best. Dressing up was a way to show respect and a sense of occasion. Besides, it can be fun.

But it can also turn competitive. And in 19th-century New York, competition among the rich centered on the opera house -- not only in regard to dress and jewels, but also as to who was allowed to buy box tickets. Ordinary people were priced out of the competition and reacted by rioting in the streets.

But the idea stuck: that opera was a somewhat ridiculous indulgence for showoffs, and not for honest folk. Which explains why this once hugely popular entertainment is in financial trouble today.

Wear whatever you like. You will not be the only person who dresses down -- and Miss Manners may not be the only one who dresses up. And neither of us will sneer at the other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I abhor being asked what I do for work, as I find it the laziest way to glean anything about my being.

I am happy with what I do, the environment I work in (academia) and the people with whom I interact most frequently. But when I’m asked by strangers what I do, I’d rather they ask about the origins of my last name, where I purchased the sweater they covet, or the last meal that made me giggle with glee.

What might be a positive derailment for the work question? I understand that it is a common conversation starter, but once I’m asked what I do, my interest in life goes gray.

GENTLE READER: There is hardly a conversation opener left that some do not consider offensive. Even the weather isn’t safe, as it could lead to controversy about climate change.

Nor are your examples. Questions about surnames may imply that someone doesn’t really belong, and asking about purchases may seem to inquire about financial status. (The one about giggling over meals simply bewilders Miss Manners.)

But as you say, the questioner is merely trying to start a conversation. So start one, about whatever topic you like. Asked about your job, you could say, for example, “It leaves me time to garden, which is my favorite occupation.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)