DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a couple of friends who text me infrequently. Their texts are always things like, “You home?” “Whatcha doing?” “You busy?”

I never know how to respond. If I say “Yes, I’m home” or “I’m doing nothing,” they then ask if I want to get together for a drink. Since they have already established that I am not busy, it seems rude if I say no. But if I say “Why?” when they ask if I'm busy, that also seems rude on my part.

What do you suggest? How can I politely respond while indicating I’d like to know what the real question is? I like these friends, and do enjoy a drink, but I’d prefer to be asked, “Hey, want to go get a drink?”

GENTLE READER: Just because you are home does not mean that you are doing nothing. If you want to arm yourself with an excuse proactively, Miss Manners suggests responding with “reading,” “cleaning” or “washing my hair,” as the case may be -- or an all-purpose “catching up” or “winding down.”

If those do not deter your spontaneous friends, “I’m in for the evening, but would love to make plans for another day” is also valid.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often socialize with a wide range of friends and acquaintances without my husband -- and the father of our children -- present. If the person I’m chatting with doesn’t know my husband, is it better to refer to “my” child or “our” child?

It’s especially challenging if I’m dog-walking with a male friend and we stop to talk with other dog-walkers who don’t know our relationship. If I refer to “our” child, I fear the friendly dog-lovers will think the man I’m with is the father. A small concern, to be sure, but I want to appropriately give credit where credit is due.

GENTLE READER: It is perfectly fine to say “my.” Miss Manners feels certain your husband will relinquish joint credit in his absence, rather than have to explain to strangers why someone else is posing as his child’s father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss as to how to confront the use of cellphones while at a restaurant with my granddaughter and her boyfriend. It seems so rude for them to sit and use their phones while we are supposedly having a meal together -- and, I might add, I always pick up the tab.

I finally popped my cork and said, “Surely you can visit without the phone for just a bit.” Was I unduly rude?

GENTLE READER: If we want to guard against corks being popped, you might want to set the ground rules first. For example: “Let us enjoy each other's company while we’re here, and then you can attend to your phones afterwards.”

If you are worried that issuing directions is above your pay grade, Miss Manners assures you that grandparents get special dispensation to set and enforce rules in their care -- even if their grandchildren think otherwise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A restaurant outside of town, which was known for pizza and wine, has reworked their menu and changed it to pricey steaks and fine dining-type items. We went to try it out, and it was absolutely awful. Prices had shot up sky-high, though the interior remained unchanged from when it was a pizza place.

I would have been more than happy with an expensive-but-great steak, but it was the worst steak I have ever eaten. Before you go thinking I am just spoiled or dramatic, my jaw was too sore to finish it (I had ordered a 4-ounce filet mignon). While no one else’s meat was as tough as mine, the consensus from our group of six was that the food was bad.

We previously frequented this place, but now no one wants to go back unless they change it back to pizza. (Unlikely, as the restaurant had the pizza oven removed as part of the redo.) Also, this is not an area where people would expect fancy food: It is an agricultural community 15 minutes outside of a small city.

Anyway, the owner of the restaurant, whom we have met several times, came by to ask how the food was. I was too embarrassed and flummoxed to tell him the truth -- not even a very kindly worded attempt.

Being honest would have sounded so negative and rude, but isn’t it also wrong to lie to someone whose business is on the line? If I were that restaurant owner, I would probably want someone to be honest with me. Did I use bad manners?

GENTLE READER: Bad manners would have been spitting out the jaw-tiring meat and telling the owner it was horrid. Polite, but honest, feedback would have been, “Well, we miss the old pizza place, but we wish you success with your new endeavor.”

Miss Manners would hesitate to add, "... and in finding a meat tenderizer.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been diagnosed with a (quite likely) terminal illness. I am continuing to work, as it isn’t yet debilitating. However, I must take time off work for tests, treatments and other medical appointments.

I notified management, as they noticed I was using a lot of PTO. Well, one manager told another, who told another, who told a team I work on ... Everyone seems to know now. It is uncomfortable being treated like I’m fragile. I get asked, “When are you going out on permanent disability?” or “Have you tried nutrition and herbs?” and similar questions.

When I respond along the lines of, “Thank you, but that’s not related to our work. Can we get back to the scheduled discussion?” that shuts it down, but I’m still angry and hurt. Can you suggest something else to say or do?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps add, “I assure you that when I am unable to perform my duties, I will let you know. Until then, let’s please all go about our work.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently visited an elderly friend for the first time since the pandemic. Before my visit, she asked me what I would like to eat.

I didn’t know how to answer that. Since I was going to go somewhere else after my visit, I told her not to worry about it; I would get something to eat later.

Just when I was about to leave her home (and getting hungry), in walks her daughter with donuts. Later, I learned that when some other friends came to visit, she served them pizza and salad! Maybe that’s what they requested -- I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m going to visit again soon and I’m not sure what to say if asked about food again. Maybe, “Anything but donuts”?

GENTLE READER: Awkwardly as your friend handled it, Miss Manners asks wide tolerance for hosts who have not figured out how to avoid being lectured by guests on the food they serve or do not serve.

The proper response -- and certainly the one that will warm any host’s heart -- is, “I am happy with whatever is easiest for you.” Even if that produces donuts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend, who’s co-hosting her brother- and sister-in-law's baby shower, is insisting that I attend. I disagree that I should, as I’m only acquainted with the couple through my friend and through social media.

Although I live in the same city as this couple, I don’t ever see them unless my best friend is in town, which is about once a year at most. I feel that baby showers are for the friends and family of the parents-to-be, and I’m neither.

Who is correct in this situation?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette is willing to put herself in harm's way when defending a principle, but none is in sight. Your best friend is free to invite you -- irrespective of what you are to the honorees -- but she cannot compel you to attend.

A more constructive response, and one taking into account your close relationship, might be, “You know I don’t know them well, but if it is really important to you to have me there, of course I will come.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One day, as I was leaving a store with my father, we passed a couple having a very theatrical and obvious argument in a foreign language I am fluent in. My father, who knows next to nothing of the language, asked me to translate it for him.

I thought that was a horrible thing to do, and asked him if he found it appropriate. He said that he was trying to get me to practice the language, and that it was acceptable. I disagreed, and we both got a bit annoyed.

Who, if either of us, was in the wrong? And what should I do in future situations if a similar occasion arises?

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners presumes that your objection was to embarrassing the couple, tell him, sotto voce, that you will fill him in later in the car. And if you feel even that would be a violation of privacy, you can say, "Oh, they were just arguing."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)