DEAR MISS MANNERS: I belong to a club that has an indoor and outdoor pool, so I enjoy swimming year-round. An older gentleman also swims there, always at the same time I do. Because of work and other responsibilities, I am limited to swimming at that time of day.

This gentleman either has some sort of medical issue or is taking a medication that makes him cough -- loudly and constantly. His laps are punctuated at each end of the pool by relentless, loud, dry coughing. It’s not the kind that doubles him over or stops him from swimming; it’s a regular, rapid, rhythmic, dry, barking cough that goes on for about 10 seconds, every minute or so, for about 45 minutes. It is incredibly annoying!

Is there any polite way to approach him and ask if he’s been seen by a doctor for this? I know my motives are pure.

GENTLE READER: Tell your second paragraph that.

Miss Manners understands that both the irritation and your concern for this gentleman can coexist. She recommends, however, that you hide the former better, by simply asking if he is all right. That he should do something about it has likely been considered -- and your saying so might betray the annoyance that you are trying so hard to conceal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last Sunday, a woman I’ve known for many years but haven’t seen for quite a while came to church. I waved her over to sit with me, thinking it was good to see her, and welcomed her warmly.

After the service, we talked for about 20 minutes, during most of which she told me her woes of divorce and her 30-year-old son who won’t get a job and move out. (He does deal with depression, anxiety and ADHD ... but the apple doesn’t fall far from the “it’s always something” tree.)

I do feel for her, and for her son, but her oversharing and her resistance to any of my attempts to ask questions that might lead to positive steps were so frustrating. As she went on and on, I just felt dumped-on.

I’m writing because her parting words were, “Let’s get together for lunch. Call me.”

First, isn’t it rude to order someone else to call you? Second, our interaction reminded me that she has always been a complainer who talks way more than she listens. I have no interest in going to lunch with her for a second helping of the stuff she always serves up.

May I just ignore her demand? If, to be polite, I have to do lunch, can I simply arrange to meet her for a meal after a church event? At least that way, I feel it doesn’t take up so much time. I dread it already.

GENTLE READER: The advantage to someone’s putting the burden of calling on you is that you do not have to accept the challenge. Miss Manners grants you license to ignore her demand.

If, however, your woeful friend follows up and you get cornered -- and claims of a harried schedule do not work -- an after-church meal is acceptable. Maybe you will get lucky that day and the Scripture will include the passage about being “quick to listen and slow to speak.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need an objective opinion about a disagreement my boyfriend and I are having. For Christmas, he sent each of my kids (ages 14 and 11) a book as a gift. When we received them in the mail, I thanked him and praised him for his thoughtfulness.

Then, out of the blue, when he was visiting our home, he pulled me aside and said the kids needed to thank him for the books. Something bothered me about being put on the spot like that, but I knew it was true that they should thank him. So when he stepped out, I instructed my kids to tell him “thank you.”

Upon his return, my son obliged, but my daughter had gotten preoccupied with another activity and forgot.

A few days later, when we were on the phone, he said, “Your daughter still hasn’t thanked me,” which I found to be kind of obnoxious at that point, although I held my tongue.

He went on to say he was appalled at her rudeness and would no longer be giving her gifts, to which I replied, “Fine -- if you’re going to be this way about it, please don’t.” He is now not speaking to me.

Was I in the wrong here?

GENTLE READER: Yes. And your daughter was, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like almost everyone in my boxing workout class, I’m a senior. One day, for the first time, the talented, friendly, very positive coach wore a body camera. When asked why, he said he was videoing himself.

Everyone threw their punches, he removed the bodycam, and class continued as usual. After class I mentioned to a classmate that I hoped he wasn’t filming us. She replied, "No, he would have to ask our permission first."

Asking him about it later over email, he admitted he was filming the class as we went through our routine of throwing punches at him. When asked, he said he deleted images of me.

What was done violated the trust that everyone had with the coach -- who is the director of a personalized fitness program and the director of an entire athletic facility in a small, caring community.

Should the coach tell the class members he filmed them and give them the opportunity to have the footage deleted? What, if anything, can be done to rebuild and maintain the trust that once was there?

What does it say about a professional athletics director who videos his class, telling them he’s only recording himself?

GENTLE READER: In these days of constant and ubiquitous media documentation, few of the perpetrators seem to feel any shame. Rather it is a shock that anyone would not want to live their lives on camera.

Therefore, Miss Manners is afraid you must resort to threats. Tell the coach that the class, like you, deserves the opportunity to know the truth -- and to have their images deleted from the video. If he will not confess, then he must promise to delete it all in front of you -- and absolutely from any social media accounts -- or you will tattle.

Yes, this is an ultimatum, but maybe it will teach him to think further before deceiving his classes -- and risking his livelihood and reputation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are there any rules of etiquette for speaking to strangers sitting beside you on a plane? I was on a long flight, surrounded by six people from the same party, but I was never even addressed by any of them.

I was seated in between two gentlemen. Two ladies were seated in the row ahead of us, and two more ladies were in the row behind. The six of them were conversing off and on throughout the flight, but for the entire time, I was treated as if I were not even there.

I sensed that trying to start a conversation with one of them would have resulted in polite rejection. After the flight landed, I could not help but feel a little let down because of all the conversation I had listened to but could not be a part of.

Was this dysfunctional behavior on anyone’s part? Should one of them at least have said “How do you do?” to me?

GENTLE READER: Most people, Miss Manners dares say, would have been grateful to be left out of such conversations -- but not to be talked over, which is the point where your fellow passengers failed to meet the standards of civility.

This inconvenient separation of the gabby party would have provided a natural point of introduction. They could have asked if you were willing to exchange seats so that they could speak without disturbing you. Or you could have offered. This would have given you the opportunity either to agree or to introduce yourself to the group.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a birthday party at a local restaurant; it is a cuisine I’m not terribly fond of, although I can usually find something. I went because the guest of honor is a dear friend. However, I wasn’t planning to eat anything and the restaurant doesn’t have a liquor license, so I chose not to drink.

I finally gave in and ordered an appetizer because several well-meaning friends wouldn’t accept my “Nothing for me, thanks” as an answer. (Don’t get me started on the number of suggestions I received regarding wine and beer.)

What’s ruder: Not eating at a restaurant because it makes others around me uncomfortable, or pushing me to order when I’ve tried to politely decline?

GENTLE READER: The reason Miss Manners does not play the "Which is Ruder?" game is that the prize invariably seems to be the victor using the win to justify a third rudeness -- be it repeating the original offense or rudely correcting the loser’s manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two sons, 17 and 21. I moved about five hours away from where they grew up. My 21-year-old had moved across the country and my 17-year-old decided to stay with his dad.

Well, within two weeks, both of them ended up moving in with me, and my home is very small. My husband and I decided to rent an apartment for them.

Neither one of them have a job, and when I go over to their apartment, they’re lazily lying around a messy house and playing video games. I’m kind of at a loss with what to do. Do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Board games?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)