DEAR MISS MANNERS: The husband of a friend remarked (shouted, actually) to me, from outside of a closed bathroom door, that I wear too much makeup! I was mortified, and of course, I had not asked for his opinion.

What would have been the proper response?

GENTLE READER: As you were behind a closed bathroom door, the proper response was silence.

If this caused him to repeat himself or increase his volume, he would only embarrass himself. Assuming that your friend had not already dragged him off for some spousal correction before you emerged, you could then give him a haughty look.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we have family gatherings, my sister-in-law and her son will either A. not respond (or only respond with "I'm not sure") or B. RSVP, but then not show up. When it's B., they don't even call or send a last-minute text; we only find out when my brother-in-law arrives and tells us they won't be attending.

When the gathering is taking place at a restaurant, this causes some mild embarrassment, as the venue booked us a larger table than needed and could have used it for another party.

But it is much more irksome when I am hosting. My husband and I spend quite some time figuring out the best day and time for everyone to meet, taking into account everyone's work schedules, including theirs, which are all very different. They are also picky eaters -- to the point where if a stray vegetable lands on their plate, they will not even move it to the side and eat around it -- so I take great care to create a menu that will accommodate all parties as best as possible.

When they don't show up, I am resentful, as I could have cooked more dishes that would be appealing to the rest of the family. I have wasted a lot of time, money and food, and I am stuck with several days' worth of leftovers that I don't even like.

This has been going on for over 20 years and has gotten progressively worse. In the last year, I have resolved my frustration with Scenario A by creating the menu I want -- making sure I have at least one dish they will eat, in case they show up. Is my solution acceptable to Miss Manners, or is this rude and not being a good host?

When I am presented with Scenario B, is there a polite way I can say, "Are you REALLY sure you will be attending?"

GENTLE READER: At a minimum, a good host must provide something for everyone.

However, there is no rule about how much. A host can -- within reason, and so long as they deny having done so -- vary the variety and quantity by such considerations as how much is likely to be consumed, how peremptory the guest is in making demands, and how desirable is the guest's company.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sat at a charity event with a friend who is being treated for anxiety. My friend abruptly pointed out a flaw in another woman's appearance. That woman ran out of the room, probably having her own anxiety attack.

I asked my friend why she did this, and she said it would be something she would want to know. When I asked why she had to say it so loudly and abruptly, I got a lecture on anxiety.

I have since tried to apologize to the other woman, but she is avoiding me. I think she was really hurt.

In another instance, a relative of mine posted something insensitive about a current event on social media. Several friends and family (though not me) pointed this out to her, and she started defending herself. Several people said that her arguments made her appear selfish.

My relative escalated things by saying that all the mean comments were triggering her anxiety, that she didn't need that kind of negativity in her life, and that she was blocking everyone who didn't agree with her.

I saw her mother later, and asked how she was dealing with her anxiety. Her mother said she never had anxiety, and that many of the things she used to justify her post were lies.

I don't want to belittle anyone's condition, but other people's feelings matter, too. How does one handle situations like these?

GENTLE READER: Whether or not the perpetrator's anxiety is real is not the point. Suffering does not confer license to make other people suffer. Rather, it should inspire empathy.

Yet Miss Manners is constantly hearing medical excuses -- some plausible, some pretty far-fetched -- for bad behavior. And as most everyone has a medical grievance of some sort, this approach could erase the concept of rudeness entirely, requiring humane people to let others get away with anything.

You need not let that happen. As you have noticed, pointing out rude people's faults to them rarely makes them contrite. But the natural consequence of people behaving rudely is that others do not want to be around them. Surely you do not want to attend another event with someone who insults other guests, nor subject yourself to a spiteful relative.

As you say, feelings matter. Including yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How early can I start giving people Christmas cookies?

GENTLE READER: After Thanksgiving and before they get stale.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a retired clinical physician. Despite my retirement, I still have friends and even minor acquaintances who call, text or email me about problems that fall into my specialty.

One of the reasons I retired is because I am burned out on providing health care. Also, as I no longer have an office, I can't really provide an examination, procedure or other follow-up.

How do I politely let them know that they should seek counsel elsewhere, and that I no longer wish to give out medical advice?

GENTLE READER: By prescribing another doctor: "I'm not keeping up with the field, but Dr. Tenderheart could help you."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did it become common for people to obnoxiously hoot and holler to show their appreciation for the performance of an artist on stage?

I always applaud after a musical number and at the end of the production, and join in the standing ovation for a spectacular performance. I don't expect silence; shouts of "Bravo!" are to be expected.

But my husband and I had to give up our long-held season tickets to see traveling Broadway productions due to the inconsiderate actions of other members of the audience. We could not enjoy the shows due to those arriving late, getting up to visit the snack bar -- sometimes multiple times! -- and loudly hooting at the end of every song.

Circumstances beyond one's control can cause a late arrival or a need for refreshments, but not repeatedly. Refraining from yelling "Whoo!" as loudly as possible only requires self-control. Written complaints to the theater management did not even warrant an answer, or any sign that measures were being taken to make the events more enjoyable.

We recently attended a local production of a delightful musical. The actors performed very well, but the afternoon was ruined by the row of "hooters" sitting behind us. I left with a headache and the decision to refrain from attending any live performances in the future. Unless, of course, you have a suggestion that we could employ.

GENTLE READER: You might ask when it became common for audiences to sit quietly through live music performances, even of classical music. The answer: only 100 years ago, when furious musicians started calling them out.

Miss Manners throws that in because of the counter-historical notion that things were always better in the past. But actually, yes, you are right: Audience behavior has gotten dramatically worse over the last few years.

There is no shortage of blame: the habit of watching entertainment at home, compounded during COVID; the tendency to make all experiences interactive; the search for material to post online; the sense of being in an autobiographical narrative -- and, oh yes, just the expression of enthusiasm, which used to be associated with certain venues, but not others.

Rock stars may revel in wild expressions of adulation. Classical musicians do not. Nor do those who put on shows in which the point is to listen to the words.

Direct confrontation is futile, and that the theater managers did not respond suggests that they are taking the short view -- that is, assuming that they can survive long enough with their hooting audiences to absorb losing your patronage.

So the forlorn hope that Miss Manners offers is that performers themselves will once again take on the task of training their audiences to behave.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter's mother-in-law graciously extends invitations to me to family celebrations. When I ask, ever so gently, if I might help in any aspect of preparation or cleanup, I am thanked, but my offer is usually declined.

I feel a distinct boundary that suggests family may enjoy working together, but guests are outsiders. Please help me to see this rationally.

GENTLE READER: You may be surprised to hear that yours is not a usual complaint. Miss Manners will venture to state that most people do not consider cleaning up in other people's homes to be a privilege.

Please accept this as a courtesy, not a form of exclusion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)