DEAR MISS MANNERS: If guests leave stray items behind -- an umbrella, for example, or, more frequently among the younger generation, their expensive refillable water bottles -- how long am I obligated to hold on to these items for the owner to retrieve?

As hostess, am I obligated to track down the owners and notify them of their oversight? This becomes a problem when my teen and young adult children's friends leave behind those designer water bottles that they all carry, apparently prepared for some devastating drought between their homes and ours.

I have a drawer teeming with water bottles no one ever reclaims, plus the odd umbrella or glove by my front door.

When can I politely discard these items? And if I have discarded items after a reasonable time, and then someone inquires after their belongings, what is the best response?

GENTLE READER: Sending out an initial inquiry about the lost item to your guest list is kind -- and a task to be given to your children, if the objects belong to their friends.

But if there is no response, or a reasonable amount of time (a few weeks, at most) passes without retrieval, Miss Manners gives you permission to dispose of the objects. At which point you may say, if asked, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you had given up on that bottle."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend "Agnes" and her husband wanted to see my friend "Axel," as well as his house. So Agnes asked me to ask Axel to have the three of us over for dinner.

Axel lives alone, is not very sociable and does not entertain, so instead, I asked him if he'd be willing to have us over for drinks -- of which I would supply a good portion. He agreed, and then spent a lot of time worrying over it: cleaning his house and shopping for just the right drinks and snacks.

On the morning of the gathering, Agnes called me to tell me that she and her husband had to cancel because their daughter had shown up unexpectedly for the weekend, and they wanted to spend the time with her instead. (The daughter would not have wanted to go to Axel's for drinks.)

I worried that this would greatly hurt Axel's feelings, so I asked Agnes if I could instead say that her husband was ill. Well, Agnes got very angry and said that anyone would understand that having a daughter visiting would be a perfectly valid reason for canceling a date.

I'm feeling resentful at Agnes's behavior all around, and would be interested in your take on this.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' take is that no good comes from mediating a secondhand invitation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to get a cashier to stop talking and just handle your order? I've had them launch into long talks about the stuff I've purchased, the weather, their kids and pets, etc. As they talk, they slow down on scanning and bagging my purchase.

Without ruining their day, is there a polite, non-crotchety way to get them to just shut up and do their job?

GENTLE READER: "How interesting. Sorry, I am in a hurry today, but could perhaps hear more another time." And when another time comes, Miss Manners suggests you find another cashier.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct response to a critical unsolicited letter?

I am in my 30s, and sadly have been estranged from my parents for the past few years due to abuse. I periodically receive long, scathing letters from people I've never met, and from distant family members who think I should give my parents another chance. Presumably, my parents have asked them to send these letters, as they contain many misperceptions about the situation.

What is the etiquette here? I do not think it is appropriate to discuss the situation with them, and my first inclination is to not respond. But I also want to do the right thing. Most of these letters come from members of an older generation, who may care more about etiquette.

Do proper manners require you to respond to every letter you receive? Or are there some situations that supersede the rules?

GENTLE READER: Members of a generation who care more about etiquette would not write rude, impertinent letters in the first place.

Miss Manners assures you that you do not need to answer. But if you are worried about fueling the feud further, you may write back a curt, "Thank you for the advice. I hope you are well."

That this is perfectly polite, but might make them madder, is a bonus.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our friends' daughter is getting married this summer to a very nice person. We are very happy for both of them, but the parents have made it clear that the wedding is going to be very small and we are not invited.

That is completely fine with us, and we did not have any bad feelings about it. However, yesterday, my husband found out that the parents are planning a "reception," to take place a few weeks later. The reception is actually going to be a meat raffle to raise money for the couple to pay for their honeymoon.

Is this a new trend? I am not comfortable with it.

GENTLE READER: What this family is planning is not a reception, but a fundraiser featuring themselves as the charity.

Miss Manners shares your discomfort and assures you that you do not have to participate. Unless you are in desperate need of overpriced raffle meat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Cooking is one of my passions, and I love to share my food with others. And while I love positive feedback, I am sometimes taken aback by the automatic request for a recipe as soon as someone compliments something I've made.

Unfortunately, I do not use recipes. I am an intuitive cook, who many times throws things together. I have explained several times to these people that I do not use recipes, but continue to get asked.

I am not a curmudgeon, and not trying to keep my creations' ingredients secret; I just don't have the time, energy or memory to remember everything that went into a dish. What would be a good response to the constant, "This is delicious. Recipe, please!"?

GENTLE READER: "I made it up and don't have one. But I'm flattered that you liked it so much. You'll just have to come over again and I'll try to re-create it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend's husband hit on me when we were at dinner a few months ago. He always shows up when our group of female friends goes to dinner. The man is rude to waitstaff and picks his teeth at the dinner table.

I will no longer tolerate being around this despicable human. Please give me your thoughts; I do not want to lose these friends.

GENTLE READER: Couples are, by rule, treated as a social unit. That does not mean it is impossible to pry spouses apart in all situations, but this husband has already ignored the most obvious way to do so -- namely, stipulating that none of the men were invited.

By being applied universally, that rule was meant to avoid hurt feelings -- the kind that inevitably follow when one husband is accused of bad manners or bad morals. Since you cannot, politely, make that first accusation, this leaves you with two courses of action.

First, Miss Manners suggests you remind the group that everyone had agreed to a ladies-only event. If that does not work, you may have to have a private, and more serious, talk with your good friend -- one that may not retain her friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I invited a small group of friends over for dinner. One member of this group called the morning of the dinner to inform me that she had been sick with a cold all week, and I was welcome to uninvite her from dinner if I wished.

I asked if she thought she was still contagious, and she answered only that she was at the "end stages" of the cold. I have no medical training or special knowledge in this area.

As the hostess, I felt I had an obligation to protect my guests' health. However, I did not want to exclude a guest who clearly felt she should attend. How should I have responded?

GENTLE READER: Virtue is not always virtuous. Miss Manners recognizes your guest's intention was to be honest, considerate and accommodating. But as you know, it put you -- neither a medical professional nor aware of the specifics of her case, even if you were -- in an impossible situation.

Her phone call would have been the time to confess any information that may have affected your guests' decision -- such as another guest's immunocompromised condition.

But it was not the time to practice medicine without a license. The correct answer remains, "We would love to see you, but we also completely understand that it would be better for you to stay home and recover completely. There will definitely be future opportunities."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have the loveliest neighbors anyone could wish for. They own two sweet cats, who spend their days in the great outdoors.

Our dear neighbor was recently lamenting that they had to "finish" a small bird their cat had attacked. I felt awful for the bird! How do I gently tell our neighbor that pet cats should be kept indoors, or closely supervised when outside? These are bright professionals and I am confident they know this fact.

GENTLE READER: The bird no doubt has a different opinion about the desirableness of your neighbors and the sweetness of their cats. But unless the bird was a member of your household, it is not in your purview to train either the cats or the neighbors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)