DEAR MISS MANNERS: Both my parents and my in-laws are wonderful people. They are kind and generous, and have been very supportive of my husband and me. They do a lot to help out with projects, care for their grandkid and give gifts.

I know they don't do any of it to gain something from us, but I would like to be able to show more appreciation for them. Sometimes I feel like the balance of the family is skewed, and I'm not contributing to the family the way they are.

Since they have all saved and been careful with money, they are able to retire (or work for the fun of it). So any gift I give them feels cheap, since if they want something, they can just get it themselves. Plus, they could probably afford better than I could. If I offer one-on-one time with their grandchild (whom they all adore and love spending time with) as a gift, I am basically asking for babysitting.

How can I give something, or offer an experience with their grandchild, without it coming across as cheap or like I'm taking advantage?

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that you are overthinking this. You do not have to pay grandparents back for their obvious joy in helping out family; that is the natural order, and no one here seems to be complaining.

However, hosting family dinners, suggesting inexpensive outings or ones where you can procure tickets in advance (theater, sports, etc.) are ways to show that you appreciate them. So is just saying so -- and checking that the children write their thank-you letters.

But if you really want to reward your elders, Miss Manners suggests you spare them from having to listen to your child's taste in music. She promises they will appreciate it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As someone whose goal is to provide a great experience for guests in her home, I make sure I set up, on tables and buffets, items that I'm offering for guests to eat and drink. I always have a ton of food left over after get-togethers, as I never want to run out.

We have a family member who comes over two or three times per year. He constantly opens our fridge, surveys the contents and then helps himself to other snacks and drinks, when there is already ample food and drink provided. I find this so strange, and it makes me uncomfortable, as though I'm not doing enough to be a good host.

Is it appropriate to feel this way? And if so, how might I discourage this in the future?

GENTLE READER: There is such a thing as behavior that is too familial, even when it is coming from actual family members.

While you have cause to be annoyed, Miss Manners would not take it as an affront to your abilities as a host. She suggests that the next time this person comes over, you plant yourself (or a deputy) firmly in front of the refrigerator. When he approaches, politely ask whether he needs something that is not already out. Either that, or install childproof locks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a municipality, and while I am fairly new to my specific job, I am not new to municipal government. However, this is a very small city and the work environment is close quarters.

Whether because of the city's size or just the mentality of the people employed here, it is not a very progressive workplace. A lot of the people I work with use derogatory and inappropriate language, speak ill of the public, are less than gracious about lifestyles and personal choices, and are just intolerant in general. I do not feel comfortable reporting any of the things I hear because the culture of this city seems to start at the top and trickle down to all those employed here.

When I don't participate in my co-workers' conversations, even walking away when a conversation around me takes a less-than-accepting tone, they tend to glare at me. I don't really fit in and I feel uncomfortable at work all the time.

This job is my only source of income, but I certainly don't feel fulfilled here. I also don't feel safe expressing my own personal thoughts or ideas around my co-workers. I guess what I am asking is: What is your best advice in this situation? What do you think I should do?

GENTLE READER: We live in crusading times, so you have no doubt already been counseled on how to put your co-workers in their place, and on why (per these counselors) you have a moral duty to do so.

Miss Manners will, instead, answer your question, which is about how to interact with people whose beliefs you find objectionable -- without losing either your dignity or your job.

The answer is to maintain a professional distance, which is almost the last thing people think of doing in a professional situation. If the behavior is objectionable enough to affect others, as opposed to their grousing among themselves, you may someday have to say so. But until that time, if you can walk away, do so -- excusing yourself by saying you have work to do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am visiting my daughter-in-law, who is the widow of my late son. Her mother took me to her weekly knitting group and introduced me as her "friend," rather than as her daughter's mother-in-law.

That describes who we are, but does not adequately describe our relationship. We certainly are friends, but we are much more. We are family united by our children. We can think of no one word to describe that relationship. Can you?

GENTLE READER: Whether "mother-in-law" counts as one word or three, Miss Manners would have thought the phrase "my daughter's mother-in-law" sufficiently succinct.

The real question is, given the warm feelings you share toward each other, is that description more, or less, demonstrative than calling you a friend? Even relatives can disagree on this point.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started a new job as a mental health technician, and one of the therapists I work with always has a cloud of perfume around her. It is so bad that every time she walks into the same room as me, her perfume triggers my asthma and I have to leave the room.

If I have a severe asthma attack, I can -- and do -- have seizures afterward. Thankfully, I have had my rescue inhaler on me and have used it every time. Still, these attacks leave me feeling weak and off-balance.

I would just avoid this woman, but I am supposed to update her on what I have observed with the patients. Also, I can't avoid her because I cannot see her: I have severely low vision, and cannot see that she is nearby until I smell her perfume.

Is there anything I can do about this? Is there a polite way to tell her that her perfume is too strong and ask her to tone it down?

GENTLE READER: Next time you are discussing patients, mention apologetically that more than one has told you that her perfume causes them to have allergic reactions. This will make it a question of patient care -- and not of her potentially putting you in the hospital.

Miss Manners understands that this technique will not help people who do not have patients, customers or other innocent people to "target" in this way. But the basic idea is to shift the blame from the perfume to the reaction. If that means seeming to be apologetic about one's own allergy, then that is unfair, yes -- but it does solve the problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I love to cook. We often host small dinner parties for up to eight people, which is the max that our small dining room can comfortably hold.

Now, it has happened in the past that one or two guests have had to cancel on the day of, when we have already prepared most of the food and set the table. Would it be appropriate at that point to reach out to family or friends and extend a last-minute dinner invitation? And how would you word that?

I wonder this because I come from a culture in which impromptu dinner invites don't raise an eyebrow, but where I live now, dinner parties seem to be more formal affairs. I worry whether my last-minute guests would feel like second-class ones -- which I definitely don't want them to! I am just happy to share my cooking, and in these cases, I happen to have some free spots up for the taking.

GENTLE READER: Such invitations should be treated like gifts of hand-me-down clothes: only to be offered to your most intimate friends and relatives -- those you know will not be offended when you tell them, honestly, that they are doing you a favor to fill in.

And since we are being frank, the honesty that Miss Manners intends you to practice is to explain why the invitation is coming so late -- not that they will be seated next to your neighbor's husband, who is a crashing boor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)