DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started a new job as a mental health technician, and one of the therapists I work with always has a cloud of perfume around her. It is so bad that every time she walks into the same room as me, her perfume triggers my asthma and I have to leave the room.

If I have a severe asthma attack, I can -- and do -- have seizures afterward. Thankfully, I have had my rescue inhaler on me and have used it every time. Still, these attacks leave me feeling weak and off-balance.

I would just avoid this woman, but I am supposed to update her on what I have observed with the patients. Also, I can't avoid her because I cannot see her: I have severely low vision, and cannot see that she is nearby until I smell her perfume.

Is there anything I can do about this? Is there a polite way to tell her that her perfume is too strong and ask her to tone it down?

GENTLE READER: Next time you are discussing patients, mention apologetically that more than one has told you that her perfume causes them to have allergic reactions. This will make it a question of patient care -- and not of her potentially putting you in the hospital.

Miss Manners understands that this technique will not help people who do not have patients, customers or other innocent people to "target" in this way. But the basic idea is to shift the blame from the perfume to the reaction. If that means seeming to be apologetic about one's own allergy, then that is unfair, yes -- but it does solve the problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I love to cook. We often host small dinner parties for up to eight people, which is the max that our small dining room can comfortably hold.

Now, it has happened in the past that one or two guests have had to cancel on the day of, when we have already prepared most of the food and set the table. Would it be appropriate at that point to reach out to family or friends and extend a last-minute dinner invitation? And how would you word that?

I wonder this because I come from a culture in which impromptu dinner invites don't raise an eyebrow, but where I live now, dinner parties seem to be more formal affairs. I worry whether my last-minute guests would feel like second-class ones -- which I definitely don't want them to! I am just happy to share my cooking, and in these cases, I happen to have some free spots up for the taking.

GENTLE READER: Such invitations should be treated like gifts of hand-me-down clothes: only to be offered to your most intimate friends and relatives -- those you know will not be offended when you tell them, honestly, that they are doing you a favor to fill in.

And since we are being frank, the honesty that Miss Manners intends you to practice is to explain why the invitation is coming so late -- not that they will be seated next to your neighbor's husband, who is a crashing boor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The scenario: Four friends gather at a cafe, looking forward to catching up. A woman with a tenuous connection to one of the four comes over to chat while waiting for her dining companion, who never shows. She proceeds to sit at the table, eat her lunch and monopolize the conversation.

How can we handle this in the future, short of securing a smaller table, which isn't often available? What is a polite way to say, "Get lost"?

GENTLE READER: Definitely not "Please get lost."

But it is true that Miss Manners believes in using gentle means to avoid being imposed upon, and has been known to devise these means. So here goes: Do not wait until the intruder has begun lunch. At that point you are stuck. It would be too awkward to expect her to pick up her food and move.

But if you can catch her before she sits down, or when she realizes that her companion is not arriving, you can say, "We're having a sort of meeting here that would bore you. I'm afraid you will have to excuse us. We'd be glad to see you some other time."

Let us not quibble about softening the wording. You and your friends are, indeed, meeting, even if you are not holding a meeting. And everyone knows that "some other time" means never.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend who visits my house at least once a month for casual conversation. My problem is that she is very demanding.

On one visit, when I offered her iced tea or lemonade, she told me she didn't want either. She said that before her next visit, I should buy her favorite soda -- which she described by brand, flavor and where I could purchase it. On another occasion, when I provided her with a cup of hot tea, she told me she didn't like it and asked me what other brands I had.

Although I have a comfortable couch, on one occasion she told me to get up from my easy chair to let her sit there instead. After a dinner party with other guests, she said, "You have food left over. I'd like to take some home with me."

I've accommodated her on all these occasions, but I am really starting to resent the various demands. I almost don't want her visiting anymore because the event becomes so joyless.

She has never invited me to her place because she says it is too small and messy, so I always host. I don't feel that I am required to give in to all her demands, but I don't know how to politely refuse. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Raise your standards for what constitutes a good friend?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to avoid explaining your preferences? Like, when you're asked for the reason you don't like a particular movie, food or person?

I'm looking for a polite phrase to avoid being pressed for an explanation for something I don't want to explain.

GENTLE READER: "Tastes differ." This should be accompanied by a philosophical smile and a shrug. If you need an illustration of the gesture, Miss Manners suggests watching old French movies.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been married to my husband for 33 years and have three stepsons. The problem is with one of them, "Roy," who is 47 years old and lives in another state.

Whenever I host small family events, Roy inevitably invites another guest and asks me afterwards if they may attend. His guests are always pleasant and I have nothing against them. However, I carefully plan these events and have limited seating in my home. I like to keep our family dinners limited to immediate family members, including their spouses, significant others and grandchildren.

I find it extremely rude for Roy to call me the day before and ask if it's OK for "Lauren" or "Jenna" to join us. It always changes the tone of our conversations, as not everyone knows his "friend" well, not to mention the burden it places on me to quickly run out and buy another steak, guest favor, etc.

When Roy asked, the day before, to bring "his" guest to our intimate family dinner celebrating a milestone birthday for his father, I told him no. I went on to explain that I had purchased a specific number of lobsters, which I get from a seafood store 35 miles away and which are very expensive because of their large size.

He proceeded to tell me he would pick up an extra lobster from a nearby supermarket. I explained that they would not be the same, with his being much smaller. He then said he had already invited her. I caved and traveled back to the seafood store, spending more money, gas and time to accommodate his guest.

Also, instead of name cards, I had taken the time to gather pictures of each family member and place them in small, matching gold frames, which I'd hoped would add a little extra fun to the party as guests found their seats and shared their photos with each other. This stranger would obviously be left out, making things awkward.

How can I avoid surprise guests in the future without causing more family drama and potentially hurting the "friend's" feelings?

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners opposes bringing unauthorized guests, you could reasonably expect her to side with you.

Sorry. This time she is going with Roy. Maybe it was putting quotation marks around Roy's friends that set her off.

First, it cannot be a surprise that Roy brings a guest because you stated that he inevitably does so. Second, you could have served Roy the smaller lobster or, more graciously, eaten it yourself. Third, as this is a small family and you often get them together, it might add an interesting element to have an outsider -- especially as one of them may turn into a daughter-in-law, or at least a partner, which you do allow.

Oh, and about those photographs: If you ask Roy to submit a picture of his guests, he will have to plan ahead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If it's not polite to tell people they're not being polite, how do you educate them?

GENTLE READER: 1. Setting an example. 2. Rearing polite children.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)