DEAR MISS MANNERS: The scenario: Four friends gather at a cafe, looking forward to catching up. A woman with a tenuous connection to one of the four comes over to chat while waiting for her dining companion, who never shows. She proceeds to sit at the table, eat her lunch and monopolize the conversation.

How can we handle this in the future, short of securing a smaller table, which isn't often available? What is a polite way to say, "Get lost"?

GENTLE READER: Definitely not "Please get lost."

But it is true that Miss Manners believes in using gentle means to avoid being imposed upon, and has been known to devise these means. So here goes: Do not wait until the intruder has begun lunch. At that point you are stuck. It would be too awkward to expect her to pick up her food and move.

But if you can catch her before she sits down, or when she realizes that her companion is not arriving, you can say, "We're having a sort of meeting here that would bore you. I'm afraid you will have to excuse us. We'd be glad to see you some other time."

Let us not quibble about softening the wording. You and your friends are, indeed, meeting, even if you are not holding a meeting. And everyone knows that "some other time" means never.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend who visits my house at least once a month for casual conversation. My problem is that she is very demanding.

On one visit, when I offered her iced tea or lemonade, she told me she didn't want either. She said that before her next visit, I should buy her favorite soda -- which she described by brand, flavor and where I could purchase it. On another occasion, when I provided her with a cup of hot tea, she told me she didn't like it and asked me what other brands I had.

Although I have a comfortable couch, on one occasion she told me to get up from my easy chair to let her sit there instead. After a dinner party with other guests, she said, "You have food left over. I'd like to take some home with me."

I've accommodated her on all these occasions, but I am really starting to resent the various demands. I almost don't want her visiting anymore because the event becomes so joyless.

She has never invited me to her place because she says it is too small and messy, so I always host. I don't feel that I am required to give in to all her demands, but I don't know how to politely refuse. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Raise your standards for what constitutes a good friend?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to avoid explaining your preferences? Like, when you're asked for the reason you don't like a particular movie, food or person?

I'm looking for a polite phrase to avoid being pressed for an explanation for something I don't want to explain.

GENTLE READER: "Tastes differ." This should be accompanied by a philosophical smile and a shrug. If you need an illustration of the gesture, Miss Manners suggests watching old French movies.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been married to my husband for 33 years and have three stepsons. The problem is with one of them, "Roy," who is 47 years old and lives in another state.

Whenever I host small family events, Roy inevitably invites another guest and asks me afterwards if they may attend. His guests are always pleasant and I have nothing against them. However, I carefully plan these events and have limited seating in my home. I like to keep our family dinners limited to immediate family members, including their spouses, significant others and grandchildren.

I find it extremely rude for Roy to call me the day before and ask if it's OK for "Lauren" or "Jenna" to join us. It always changes the tone of our conversations, as not everyone knows his "friend" well, not to mention the burden it places on me to quickly run out and buy another steak, guest favor, etc.

When Roy asked, the day before, to bring "his" guest to our intimate family dinner celebrating a milestone birthday for his father, I told him no. I went on to explain that I had purchased a specific number of lobsters, which I get from a seafood store 35 miles away and which are very expensive because of their large size.

He proceeded to tell me he would pick up an extra lobster from a nearby supermarket. I explained that they would not be the same, with his being much smaller. He then said he had already invited her. I caved and traveled back to the seafood store, spending more money, gas and time to accommodate his guest.

Also, instead of name cards, I had taken the time to gather pictures of each family member and place them in small, matching gold frames, which I'd hoped would add a little extra fun to the party as guests found their seats and shared their photos with each other. This stranger would obviously be left out, making things awkward.

How can I avoid surprise guests in the future without causing more family drama and potentially hurting the "friend's" feelings?

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners opposes bringing unauthorized guests, you could reasonably expect her to side with you.

Sorry. This time she is going with Roy. Maybe it was putting quotation marks around Roy's friends that set her off.

First, it cannot be a surprise that Roy brings a guest because you stated that he inevitably does so. Second, you could have served Roy the smaller lobster or, more graciously, eaten it yourself. Third, as this is a small family and you often get them together, it might add an interesting element to have an outsider -- especially as one of them may turn into a daughter-in-law, or at least a partner, which you do allow.

Oh, and about those photographs: If you ask Roy to submit a picture of his guests, he will have to plan ahead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If it's not polite to tell people they're not being polite, how do you educate them?

GENTLE READER: 1. Setting an example. 2. Rearing polite children.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently encountered a very rude line-jumper. I said nothing to her, but wish I had, and I wonder whether Miss Manners can suggest a polite statement for some similar future occurrence.

At the end of a 6 1/2-hour chemo session for my aggressive cancer, I was waiting for either of the two administrators to complete my paperwork. (Each was with a patient.) A woman, about age 20, entered the area and sat next to me; as a doctor walked by, she asked, "Can you tell me whether (John Doe) is here? I'm his transportation, and he has dementia." The doctor said the woman would have to check with one of the admins.

I was about to tell her that she could go ahead of me, but then she simply did -- without bothering to ask. Then she departed without apologizing to me or thanking me.

I thought, "OK, I'm going to cut her some slack -- she's worried, and I empathize. Waiting a little longer isn't the end of the world, even though I'm worn out and having unpleasant side effects."

But a few minutes later, she and I were outside for about 10 minutes, I on a bench and she in her car about 15 feet away. Her windows were open, so she could see me, but she still said nothing to me -- no apology, no thank-you. She did strike up a conversation with two strangers, complimenting their motorcycle and their garb, offering them blessings, reiterating that the blessings were sincere, saying that she wanted a similar bike when she was older, blah blah blah.

I would have liked to say, "This is a cancer center. Did you not realize that I'm a patient? My chemo took 6 1/2 hours. I'm worn out from it, plus I have an aggressive form of cancer and very little time. You jumped the line and made me wait, and then you neither apologized to me nor thanked me. Do better in the future."

But I know that Miss Manners would not approve of that. So what could I have said?

GENTLE READER: "Excuse me, I am not sure you were aware back there, but I was waiting before you."

You cannot demand an apology, but the implication that her actions might not have been intentional gives her the chance to at least claim not to have been aware. Or not.

Miss Manners herself was once in line, someone cut in, she told them she was waiting and the line-jumper smugly replied, "I know." She tells you this not to depress you further, but so that maybe you will not admonish yourself for staying silent. Miss Manners did. She is no more authorized to give unsolicited etiquette lessons than you are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send a thank-you note after a job interview?

GENTLE READER: Only if you want to make a good impression.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)