DEAR MISS MANNERS: On behalf of older parents, I would like to inquire how to handle being mistaken for my children's grandmother. (Granted, the ages involved make it technically possible for me to be a grandmother to my tween and young teen sons.)

Please note that where I live, a lot of moms are older, so I mostly get these assumptions and questions when traveling. A border officer almost became combative when I pushed back against him calling me "Granny" in front of my sons.

And I am still stung when I recall a 60ish woman sharply but rhetorically questioning me in front of my sons during an otherwise pleasant visit to a tourist attraction: "You're the mother?!!!?" The cutting harshness of her tone still hurts. (People often say I look youthful; apparently, she disagreed.)

I have also experienced this in a few business settings. Personnel should not always assume a middle-aged woman is a grandmother, rather than a mother. How should older moms and dads respond in these sorts of scenarios?

GENTLE READER: By saying, "I'm their grandmother's daughter."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A while ago, we had a reception after our daughter's baptism. As sometimes happens, the guest list spiraled out of control due to the "if we invite them, then we have to invite so-and-so" principle.

My wife did a magnificent job planning and hosting this event, but exhausted herself by making sure that for every day that any guests were in town, she cooked a full meal for them.

Now, our daughter is about to have her second birthday. My wife asked if we could skip having a birthday party, with her explanation being that if you throw any sort of party, no matter how informal, you must provide a full meal for the guests. (Only one person will be coming from out of town for this; everyone else is local.)

My experience has been that a child's birthday party need involve nothing but cake and a beverage, but I was raised by notoriously informal parents. I don't want my daughter to miss out, but I don't want my wife to resent "having" to cook meals, either.

Is this rule my wife articulates really a rule? It seems to me that it is too rigid and demanding, but perhaps I'm the barbarian!

GENTLE READER: A full meal for a children's party is not a requirement (especially if the party is not at mealtime), but if this is the way your wife prefers to entertain, then neither you nor Miss Manners should stand in her way. Nor should we object to her abstaining this year because she is too exhausted to do it.

But as your daughter gets older, she will have her own thoughts about skipping her birthday party because Mommy does not wish to feed the entire town. At that point, you may want to tell her that cake and a beverage are perfectly acceptable -- and proper -- children's birthday party fare.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been watching programs that chronicle the real lives of people working and receiving care in the ER. The staff often use vulgar language with one another, sometimes in front of patients who may or may not be conscious enough to hear them.

I am not a fan of such raw language, but I do not try to control the speech of others. But if I were the patient, I would feel jarred by hearing these unpleasantries from those caring for me at my bedside.

What does etiquette say about governing your speech around visitors to your workplace, where using vulgarities is acceptable? Does it matter if the visitor may or may not be able understand what's being said?

GENTLE READER: Morality may find such behavior equally reprehensible in private, but Etiquette only objects to comments made in the presence of the patient.

However, Common Sense, seconded by Miss Manners, counsels against putting too much faith in the power of anesthesia. Or in believing that things are as bad as they are reported on television.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had given a co-worker some wrong information -- nothing life-threatening, just the wrong date for something. Instead of just correcting me calmly, she got mad and barked the correct date at me with this mean expression on her face and a very rude tone.

I guess I'm just more sensitive than most, because I felt guilty the rest of the day. I couldn't figure out why I got such a response. I avoided her the rest of that day, and the next.

How can I handle that situation better or differently if it happens again?

GENTLE READER: Did we forget to apologize for supplying incorrect information?

That would explain your co-worker's behavior, though Miss Manners does not believe it would excuse it -- any more than your mistake's not being fatal would excuse your omitting the apology.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter and our future son-in-law selected three meal options for their wedding: one beef, one chicken and one vegetarian pasta. They would certainly ask the caterer to make special accommodations if someone alerted them to a food allergy, but it seems rude for guests to make special requests for other reasons.

I have made many meal selections for events that I might not choose at a restaurant, but I don't go to special events to eat my favorite food. I go for the people (or causes) I care about.

My dad (the bride's grandfather) learned of the meal options through a conversation this week. He texted me the next day, saying that he and his girlfriend "would like to enjoy the meal at the wedding" and therefore want me to request fish for them -- either salmon or whitefish.

While I know that they eat a lot of fish, I am not aware of this being anything more than a preference -- and a recent one in my dad's case, since I've seen him eat just about everything my whole life. I am stunned and unsure how to respond.

GENTLE READER: Being stunned is a strong reaction to your father's relatively minor, albeit misguided, request. Tell Pa that fish isn't one of the options.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A couple of times now, colleagues have mentioned to me that they are taking a day or a half-day off to undergo medical tests, without giving details. What is an appropriate response, given that they have volunteered this information?

I have settled for responding with, "I hope everything is OK." Is there a better response that acknowledges what they've said -- I don't want to seem uncaring -- without implying that I'm asking what the tests are for?

GENTLE READER: Half the people who tell you about their upcoming tests will be offended if you do not inquire further -- and half will be offended if you do.

The proper response is therefore to stall for time while you determine which type they are. "Is there anything you need me to check on while you are out?" mirrors your colleague's ambiguity about whether this conversation is personal or professional -- while also, Miss Manners notes, being unclear about how much of their work they can dump on you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some members of my husband's family are always late. Because of this, we have ended up sitting in restaurants for over half an hour, waiting outside a theater, missing the beginning of tours or excursions, going to their place for Sunday dinner at 6 but not eating until 8, etc.

The relatives who cause these situations have absolutely zero sense of time. We learned long ago not to ride with them to weddings or surprise parties.

To get around this, I think it's best to lie: to tell them dinner is at 6, when it's really at 6:45, or that the movie starts at 8 (actually 8:30). My husband disagrees with this method, but the constant waiting is getting really old. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Is your husband's objection moral or practical?

You could handle a moral objection by saying, "We have to be there by ..." instead of "it starts at ..."

If you are found out, Miss Manners is perfectly willing to have you apologize to the relatives for having mistakenly given them the wrong impression. She just does not think anyone will believe it if repeated too often.

In future, either plan events for which the start time is not important, or tell them you will meet them inside the theater.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)