DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son-in-law (age 45) tells me that his generation finds it OK to invite a woman to dinner without her husband. He and my daughter do not like my second husband, and want to invite me, alone, to dinner with them at their house.

I feel that it is unacceptable manners and an awful snub to my husband to dine without him (unless it is a work-related event). Lunch is OK, I think -- I often meet women friends for lunch, but not dinner, without their husbands. Can you weigh in on this?

GENTLE READER: When your daughter was 11 and told you that all of her friends' parents let them stay up until midnight on school nights, did you believe her?

Perhaps, but Miss Manners' answer -- one she would have you make to your daughter in private -- is that it is not her husband's generation's feelings that are being hurt by excluding your husband.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was very close to my mom. When she passed away unexpectedly 10 years ago, I was quite devastated. I returned to my home (about 700 miles away) following the funeral, and a concerned friend offered to pick me up and take me out for a cup of coffee.

I will say, the idea of someone caring lifted my spirits. But in the car on the way to the coffee shop, my friend said, "Well, it is something we all go through." It was said in a rather "oh well" kind of way -- cold and lacking empathy.

It felt like my friend was ignoring the depth of what I was experiencing. It felt like a knife had been stabbed into my heart. Honestly, I wanted to just jump out of the car and walk home!

I will never forget that moment, and to this day, I wonder what the best words to say would have been. Could you please advise? Yes, I still miss my mom. I always will. Maybe my friend didn't realize just how calloused they were.

GENTLE READER: Your experience illustrates why Miss Manners urges everyone not to improvise when consoling mourners; grief can be both intense and irrational.

On a rational level, it seems unlikely that your friend picked you up after the funeral, took you out for coffee and drove you home because they lacked empathy for your situation. But it is all too easy to cause lasting rifts at such a time with a misplaced word -- or even with one that, though not the formulaic "I'm so sorry for your loss," strikes the mourner the wrong way.

Having now addressed herself to everyone else, Miss Manners will only add that she is sorry for your loss and believes that your friend was, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response when a gift receiver criticizes the gift you chose for them? For example, my in-laws, who are from a different cultural background than me, frequently (almost always) express criticism at my gifts.

GENTLE READER: Although she is unaware of any culture that values insulting gift-givers, Miss Manners remains confident that "I'm sorry you don't like it" transcends cultural barriers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at an elementary school where there are only two bathrooms designated for staff use. Often, as I am exiting the restroom, I will encounter a co-worker standing outside the door with their arms crossed and a very irritated look on their face. It is apparent that they are very annoyed that they had to wait for me to come out of the restroom.

It is not as if I am in there dawdling or having a conversation on my cellphone. What is the proper response to these rude and impatient co-workers?

GENTLE READER: Stop moving -- thereby leaving yourself positioned between your co-worker and the bathroom door -- and, with a look of concern and contrition, ask if everything is OK.

In our increasingly virtual world, people sometimes forget that in the real one, others can see them when they huff or roll their eyes. This will serve as a gentle reminder -- one that will be underlined, for your co-worker, by the growing realization that the more time spent discussing and listening to your apology, the greater their discomfort.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When waiting in the doctor's office treatment room, fully clothed, should I stand to greet the doctor when they enter? Does it matter if they are male or female? I am a 60-something man from the South who still says "ma'am" and "sir."

GENTLE READER: Dressed or undressed, this is not a social occasion. You may greet the doctor without getting up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two dogs I adore. All of my friends know this, and I often receive gifts that are dog-oriented.

A friend gave me a product for my dogs that I don't use. It was still very thoughtful, and I thanked her profusely. I then set the gift aside and planned to give it to another friend on a later occasion.

Several months passed, and the same friend who had given me the gift was at my home. I noticed her looking at the unused item and, in a moment of forgetfulness, I asked her if it was something she would like, as I had no use for it.

I almost immediately realized my mistake, but not before the damage was done. She was gracious -- she said, "Oh, it's not something you will use?" and then quietly accepted my initial offer to take it.

I am mortified. I NEVER would have tried to return a gift, and I don't know how to fix this faux pas. My friend was too kind to say anything, but I could sense that I hurt her feelings.

Should I have said something in the moment, and if so, what? Is there anything I can do now to make up for my poor behavior? This has been weighing on me, and I feel terrible.

GENTLE READER: Human beings make mistakes, which is why we -- or in this case, you -- need to apologize, profusely and with appropriately sincere body language.

Miss Manners understands your dog may be able to show you the correct stance -- although she realizes tucking in your tail will be anatomically impossible, and she recommends against exposing your belly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in line at the grocery store behind an elderly woman. She looked at the cashier and asked him, out of the blue, "What's your background?"

He was obviously surprised by her question. She kept going: "You're obviously not Latino, but you have a very interesting face."

The whole thing was very uncomfortable. I could see the cashier shrink from her questions. He eventually did tell her where he was "from."

He and I shared a commiserating look while she bagged her groceries, but I wanted to do more -- either to tell her it's impolite to ask people where they're from, or to say something sympathetic to the cashier.

I live in a very diverse area, so encountering blatant "othering" of someone was surprising. I'd appreciate guidance on how I should have handled it.

GENTLE READER: The question was improper, and Miss Manners appreciates your wanting to stand up for someone who was not in a position to stand up for himself. But there should be other considerations before escalating a situation into a public scene.

You did signal sympathy to the cashier. But would it further embarrass him, and perhaps endanger his position, if you did so more conspicuously? He is the best judge of that, and his finally answering the question suggests that he just wanted to get the interaction over with.

Next, would you have been able to change the offender's mind? This cannot be done angrily; people do not respond well to embarrassment and scolding. You would have had to ask politely for her attention, listened to her defense and allowed her to save face. This could be accomplished by saying, "I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but when you question people's origins, they feel you are saying they don't really belong here."

Were you too indignant to manage that? Then it is well that you stopped when you did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will be getting married at our lakefront home next year, which will be a destination wedding for most of our very large, close-knit family.

While we would love to invite the children, there are nearly 20 of them, all under the age of 10. Neither the happy couple nor my husband and I feel comfortable having little ones at a large event -- with alcohol, near water -- for obvious reasons.

However, we live in an area that is a popular family destination, so if people wanted to bring their kids, they could make an extended vacation of it. We'd be happy to have them at the lake before or after the wedding day, when the kids can be safely supervised. I am more than willing to obtain responsible sitters for them on the wedding day, at my expense.

Can we possibly convey this in a "save the date"? A separate correspondence? Not at all? We are not sure what to do here, but I'd sure love to see all our kiddies!

GENTLE READER: You are actually issuing two hospitable invitations here, not one that is positive and one that is negative.

"Save the date" notices are, by their nature, informal. Miss Manners suggests sending two: one addressed to the adults, alerting them to the wedding and noting the other arrangements for the children; and one addressed to the children, outlining the activities planned for them during and around the wedding.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)