DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in line at the grocery store behind an elderly woman. She looked at the cashier and asked him, out of the blue, "What's your background?"

He was obviously surprised by her question. She kept going: "You're obviously not Latino, but you have a very interesting face."

The whole thing was very uncomfortable. I could see the cashier shrink from her questions. He eventually did tell her where he was "from."

He and I shared a commiserating look while she bagged her groceries, but I wanted to do more -- either to tell her it's impolite to ask people where they're from, or to say something sympathetic to the cashier.

I live in a very diverse area, so encountering blatant "othering" of someone was surprising. I'd appreciate guidance on how I should have handled it.

GENTLE READER: The question was improper, and Miss Manners appreciates your wanting to stand up for someone who was not in a position to stand up for himself. But there should be other considerations before escalating a situation into a public scene.

You did signal sympathy to the cashier. But would it further embarrass him, and perhaps endanger his position, if you did so more conspicuously? He is the best judge of that, and his finally answering the question suggests that he just wanted to get the interaction over with.

Next, would you have been able to change the offender's mind? This cannot be done angrily; people do not respond well to embarrassment and scolding. You would have had to ask politely for her attention, listened to her defense and allowed her to save face. This could be accomplished by saying, "I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but when you question people's origins, they feel you are saying they don't really belong here."

Were you too indignant to manage that? Then it is well that you stopped when you did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will be getting married at our lakefront home next year, which will be a destination wedding for most of our very large, close-knit family.

While we would love to invite the children, there are nearly 20 of them, all under the age of 10. Neither the happy couple nor my husband and I feel comfortable having little ones at a large event -- with alcohol, near water -- for obvious reasons.

However, we live in an area that is a popular family destination, so if people wanted to bring their kids, they could make an extended vacation of it. We'd be happy to have them at the lake before or after the wedding day, when the kids can be safely supervised. I am more than willing to obtain responsible sitters for them on the wedding day, at my expense.

Can we possibly convey this in a "save the date"? A separate correspondence? Not at all? We are not sure what to do here, but I'd sure love to see all our kiddies!

GENTLE READER: You are actually issuing two hospitable invitations here, not one that is positive and one that is negative.

"Save the date" notices are, by their nature, informal. Miss Manners suggests sending two: one addressed to the adults, alerting them to the wedding and noting the other arrangements for the children; and one addressed to the children, outlining the activities planned for them during and around the wedding.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it strange to read of people being affianced for years. I thought traditional etiquette meant a fiance was someone you were going to marry in the next year, two at most.

For example, without mentioning names, look at a former president's son and his paramour, now "engaged" for five years. And all the people who already have children together who simply say they are "engaged."

But English is a living language; shall we all just assume the meaning of "engaged to be married" has changed?

GENTLE READER: Yes, the current meaning of "fiance" is someone in a couple who are getting along well, and plan to marry after decades of planning an extravagant wedding -- or never. Miss Manners has noticed that in crime reports of domestic assault, the term is "live-in boyfriend."

However, years-long engagements are not really new. Time was when people spent those years saving up to be able to afford to marry. Can you believe that?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father and my brother are having a discussion and would like your input. The question is whether or not it is OK to eat green beans with your hands.

My dad brings up normal table manners. However, my brother mentions the fact that we eat greasy foods, like french fries, with our hands, and green beans aren't greasy in the slightest. What do you think about this?

GENTLE READER: Can Miss Manners persuade your family to switch to asparagus? Asparagus can be considered a finger food, for no particular reason except tradition.

But not green beans. And she trusts that you are eating greasy french fries only in greasy joints.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am over 65, single, and enjoy dining out. I realize that I'm not young anymore, but I still take a lot of offense at being addressed in a condescending manner by female waitstaff, who use terms such as "honey" while talking to me. I think this is very rude, and I occasionally address it with them.

Should this affect how much I tip, or whether I leave a tip at all?

I had a recent experience that really irritated me. The waitress was professional during most of the meal and called me "sir," but after I paid and put the tip on my credit card, she said "Thank you, honey" as I got ready to leave. Do you think it's fair not to tip in those situations?

GENTLE READER: Tips are how the restaurant has its customers pay part of its employees' salaries directly. One of the many things wrong with this system is the practice of punitive tipping. You should complain to the management about poor service, not dock the servers -- any more than your salary is docked when you have a bad day.

But in this case, you would also bewilder the waitress who offended you without the least intention of doing so. That is not to say that Miss Manners endorses that form of address. But the unknowing offense does not justify your treating it as a high insult.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently performed at an art gallery. After performing, the owner of the gallery told me he loved my work, then gave me one of his paintings.

I was extremely flattered and humbled, but when I got to my car, I realized I had a problem: The art is too large for a wall in my apartment.

I think returning it may be hurtful. I don't want to offend this incredibly talented -- not to mention generous -- person, but I don't know what to do with the painting in order for it to be properly appreciated. I am also nervous the artist may somehow find out (i.e., ask for a picture of it in my apartment).

Please let me know how to go about solving this predicament. I realize I should have mentioned it was too large, but I was so flustered by the kindness and generosity that it slipped my mind.

GENTLE READER: And yet the painting fit in your car? Miss Manners is having trouble picturing this, but will take you at your word and move past it.

This is a rare case where telling the truth about why you are not using a present is perfectly polite: "I am afraid that I did not have the wall space for your beautiful painting in my apartment. But I have put it in storage/lent it to a friend until such time as I can upgrade and reasonably hang it."

If the artist then suggests that he hold it for you himself, you may certainly comply.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out through friends that my ex-husband had passed on. We had not been in touch for many years, though I had kept track of him through the internet.

I wrote a condolence note to his brother, saying I was glad things had seemed to be going well for my ex prior to his passing. His brother wrote back and said that that wasn't the case, and also that his heart had just stopped and they'd probably never know why he died.

My immediate thought was that he probably took some drugs that had been laced with fentanyl. It wasn't a secret that he'd used drugs, at least decades ago when I knew him (though I don't know if that was still the case).

I want to write back and apologize for misunderstanding what was going on in my ex's life. Would it be uncouth to mention my suspicions? I don't know that it would matter, but it might, if they wanted to pursue it.

GENTLE READER: There is no proper way to say, "I am sorry for your loss, but actually it's worse than you think."

Miss Manners recommends that you not attempt it, especially as your theory is just a suspicion -- and one based on something that was not a secret, at that. It may well be a path that the family has already decided not to pursue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you give hostess gifts for a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: Not unless the hostess is showering herself. Or hosting a shower for herself. Either one would be rude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)