DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently performed at an art gallery. After performing, the owner of the gallery told me he loved my work, then gave me one of his paintings.

I was extremely flattered and humbled, but when I got to my car, I realized I had a problem: The art is too large for a wall in my apartment.

I think returning it may be hurtful. I don't want to offend this incredibly talented -- not to mention generous -- person, but I don't know what to do with the painting in order for it to be properly appreciated. I am also nervous the artist may somehow find out (i.e., ask for a picture of it in my apartment).

Please let me know how to go about solving this predicament. I realize I should have mentioned it was too large, but I was so flustered by the kindness and generosity that it slipped my mind.

GENTLE READER: And yet the painting fit in your car? Miss Manners is having trouble picturing this, but will take you at your word and move past it.

This is a rare case where telling the truth about why you are not using a present is perfectly polite: "I am afraid that I did not have the wall space for your beautiful painting in my apartment. But I have put it in storage/lent it to a friend until such time as I can upgrade and reasonably hang it."

If the artist then suggests that he hold it for you himself, you may certainly comply.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out through friends that my ex-husband had passed on. We had not been in touch for many years, though I had kept track of him through the internet.

I wrote a condolence note to his brother, saying I was glad things had seemed to be going well for my ex prior to his passing. His brother wrote back and said that that wasn't the case, and also that his heart had just stopped and they'd probably never know why he died.

My immediate thought was that he probably took some drugs that had been laced with fentanyl. It wasn't a secret that he'd used drugs, at least decades ago when I knew him (though I don't know if that was still the case).

I want to write back and apologize for misunderstanding what was going on in my ex's life. Would it be uncouth to mention my suspicions? I don't know that it would matter, but it might, if they wanted to pursue it.

GENTLE READER: There is no proper way to say, "I am sorry for your loss, but actually it's worse than you think."

Miss Manners recommends that you not attempt it, especially as your theory is just a suspicion -- and one based on something that was not a secret, at that. It may well be a path that the family has already decided not to pursue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you give hostess gifts for a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: Not unless the hostess is showering herself. Or hosting a shower for herself. Either one would be rude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm often flummoxed by some people's gall, but this situation, in my humble opinion, takes the cake. I'm sad to say it came from a dear friend living several states away.

Her college-age daughter, whom I have never met, is doing a semester abroad in a major European city. My friend posted on social media, asking all her friends (over 200 of them) to help celebrate the daughter's birthday by sending her money electronically, along with a birthday greeting. This was to make the birthday "special" and keep her from feeling "homesick." She included her daughter's handle on this public forum.

Several people, including me, simply posted a birthday greeting comment on my friend's page, while others commented that they had sent money to the daughter.

Let me stress that this is NOT a financially strapped family or deprived student. Quite the contrary; they live in an affluent community in a large metropolis. Seems like a tacky money grab for a privileged daughter.

I'm so sad to say that this bold request has clouded how I feel towards my friend. I could understand asking people to send a birthday greeting on the daughter's account, but requesting money seemed a bit over the top to me. Am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Nothing cures homesickness like a newly fattened bank account.

Miss Manners agrees that it is unseemly for solvent people to beg. You were more than generous sending your well wishes -- and are understandably less enthusiastic about the friendship now.

If this girl is being taught that money will cheer her up on a birthday, a future graduation or wedding may make her downright lachrymose -- in order to continue cashing in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I begin returning to the office more frequently, I'm increasingly being told "You look great" (or variations thereof) by co-workers and managers I'm seeing for the first time in months or even years.

Being told this doesn't make me uncomfortable, nor does it stroke my ego. But where I get hung up is how to reply!

I don't normally comment on others' appearances, especially in the workplace. The thought of saying "You, too" makes me feel uneasy -- especially when the person is not the same gender as I am -- as it seems similar to telling them that I'm thinking about their appearance.

My automatic response ends up just being "Thanks." (Of course, I don't end it there; I'll usually then ask about their life or work and try to catch up.)

For what it's worth, when I'm in the other person's shoes, I usually lead with something like, "How have you been?" or "What's new?" as opposed to "You look good." I don't think people ever said this to me before the pandemic, so I don't recall having this issue during Before Times.

So, are there good alternatives to "You too" or "Thanks" in this situation?

GENTLE READER: "Thank you. I feel good." And then Miss Manners suggests you turn the subject to the more suitable greeting, "And how are you?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever I visit a coffee shop and approach the order-taker, I say something along the lines of, "I'd like an iced tea" or simply, "An iced tea, please." Over the past few years, however, I've noticed that no one else does that anymore. Instead, they frame their orders as a question: "Can I have ...?"

It seems odd to ask a shop if it's OK to order something or to take my money. It also seems a bit juvenile, like a child visiting a friend's home and politely asking for a glass of water from the friend's mother, who is not a paid server.

I can understand questioning if a shop has something special, such as a caffeine- or sugar-free beverage: "Do you have ...?" Being in my late 60s, I struggle to keep up with the changing times, so I must ask: Am I in the wrong?

GENTLE READER: You are wrong about your history, which Miss Manners understands may be a side effect of your having been at this for only 60-some years.

Your preferred construction is perfectly acceptable. But phrasing such requests as a question -- or even in the conditional tense, as a hypothetical ("Could I have ...?") -- has long been understood to be simple courtesy. It may actually be more accurate today when it is no longer clear if a coffee shop actually sells coffee.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I went to dinner at an upscale restaurant to celebrate our 55th anniversary. I mention how long we are married so you will know we aren't spring chickens.

The waitstaff at this restaurant is very conscientious: They change the silverware with each course; they refill the water if you take two sips; they refold your napkin if you leave the table.

They came over many times to make sure we were OK. We were sitting next to a table with five women, probably in their early 30s. I noticed that not one of them thanked the waiter or busboy when they were doing all these things at their table. I, on the other hand, must have said "thank you" 20 times during the course of our meal.

Was I overdoing the thank-yous, or were those young ladies rude? Should we or should we not thank waitstaff when they are taking care of us?

GENTLE READER: There is an art to giving thanks for individual actions within a larger service -- just as there is an art to good service. Both involve not drawing attention.

It is not good service to interrupt a diner's conversation every five minutes to ask if they still like the food. And even thanks can become wearisome with repetition. A filled water glass can be acknowledged with a nod of the head or a single word -- or neither, if it would interrupt the flow of conversation.

Assuming your neighbors were otherwise polite, Miss Manners will forgive them for the 20 missed opportunities to say "thank you" -- and for being in their 30s.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)