DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever I visit a coffee shop and approach the order-taker, I say something along the lines of, "I'd like an iced tea" or simply, "An iced tea, please." Over the past few years, however, I've noticed that no one else does that anymore. Instead, they frame their orders as a question: "Can I have ...?"

It seems odd to ask a shop if it's OK to order something or to take my money. It also seems a bit juvenile, like a child visiting a friend's home and politely asking for a glass of water from the friend's mother, who is not a paid server.

I can understand questioning if a shop has something special, such as a caffeine- or sugar-free beverage: "Do you have ...?" Being in my late 60s, I struggle to keep up with the changing times, so I must ask: Am I in the wrong?

GENTLE READER: You are wrong about your history, which Miss Manners understands may be a side effect of your having been at this for only 60-some years.

Your preferred construction is perfectly acceptable. But phrasing such requests as a question -- or even in the conditional tense, as a hypothetical ("Could I have ...?") -- has long been understood to be simple courtesy. It may actually be more accurate today when it is no longer clear if a coffee shop actually sells coffee.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I went to dinner at an upscale restaurant to celebrate our 55th anniversary. I mention how long we are married so you will know we aren't spring chickens.

The waitstaff at this restaurant is very conscientious: They change the silverware with each course; they refill the water if you take two sips; they refold your napkin if you leave the table.

They came over many times to make sure we were OK. We were sitting next to a table with five women, probably in their early 30s. I noticed that not one of them thanked the waiter or busboy when they were doing all these things at their table. I, on the other hand, must have said "thank you" 20 times during the course of our meal.

Was I overdoing the thank-yous, or were those young ladies rude? Should we or should we not thank waitstaff when they are taking care of us?

GENTLE READER: There is an art to giving thanks for individual actions within a larger service -- just as there is an art to good service. Both involve not drawing attention.

It is not good service to interrupt a diner's conversation every five minutes to ask if they still like the food. And even thanks can become wearisome with repetition. A filled water glass can be acknowledged with a nod of the head or a single word -- or neither, if it would interrupt the flow of conversation.

Assuming your neighbors were otherwise polite, Miss Manners will forgive them for the 20 missed opportunities to say "thank you" -- and for being in their 30s.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to college with a great bunch of guys. We all lived in a fraternity house, then my junior year -- sophomore year for some of them -- we moved into a school dorm. After graduation, we all became professionally successful.

Several years ago, I started getting emails from members of the group bragging about the wonderful trips they had taken. I would have liked these trips, but I was not included. At the same time, I was "invited" to attend political fundraisers for their favored candidates, which I did, contributing my own funds.

When I asked why I had not been included in the various trips, I was told that they had bonded and formed a really close-knit group in the year after I graduated. They said the question of inviting me on these trips had come up, and several members of the group had decided that they did not want to.

I decided to cut my ties with these guys, both socially and political fundraising-wise. Now, one of them says he cannot understand why I have decided not to socialize with them or attend their fundraisers anymore.

My response is that they made that decision easy: If I'm not worthy of being included in their social events, then that's their decision. I have other real friends with whom I socialize.

What do you think? Is there some rule of etiquette or manners involved here that I have violated?

GENTLE READER: It is a bit late to be worried about etiquette, isn't it?

Explaining that you only socialize with actual friends was an unnecessary insult, but almost civil after what led up to it. It was rude of them to brag to you about trips on which you were not invited. It was rude of you to ask why you were not invited. It was rude of them to tell you that you were not welcome.

Note the two things that did not make Miss Manners' list: choosing whom to invite (or not invite) on a trip, and your choosing with whom to socialize.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are retired, and we live in an area where residents put out their recycling and trash bins at the curb one day each week.

Sometimes we can't get all of our recyclables or trash into our bins. Is it OK to put some of ours into the bins of our neighbors without asking them? Often, no one is home to ask, since they've already left for the day. It seems like it wouldn't cause them any harm.

GENTLE READER: No, you have to ask. The harm Miss Manners foresees is to neighborly relations when the owner feels trespassed upon.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Living in a retirement community, I expected traditional civilities among residents. However, a couple of au courant ladies are ready to casually inquire over dinner, "Are you gay?" or even "When did you discover you were gay?"

Traditionally, such questions about private matters were no more acceptable than "How much money do you make?" or "Why did you and your wife divorce?"

Can you suggest a polite response that refuses to honor the question and avoids showing my rightful anger at the impertinence?

GENTLE READER: A distinguished gentleman, who had moved to a retirement facility to accommodate his ailing wife, once complained to Miss Manners about similar nosiness. In his case, it was that if he appeared anywhere alone, ladies would demand to know what had happened to his wife.

"Do they think I am neglecting her?" he asked.

"No, my dear," Miss Manners told her friend. "They want to know if you are now eligible."

She more than suspects that this is what prompts the rudeness you are encountering. She suggests looking intently at the questioner and saying, "I can't imagine how my answer, whatever it might be, would affect you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone invites us to something (informally, impromptu, as in, "Can you come over for dinner Saturday?"), it is my natural instinct to say yes if I can -- and if I can't, I say what I'm doing instead: "So sorry, but we have tickets to the ballet."

This leaves a third category: when you have other plans, but for some reason don't want to say what they are.

For instance, you're having your own dinner party, but you didn't invite this person. Or you are tired of going out and need a night home in front of the TV.

My husband has no problem saying, "Sorry, we have other plans," without saying what they are. He would say that even if our other plans were to receive a Nobel Prize, I'm sure.

I realize his statement is a good solution, but I just can't seem to do it. It sounds abrupt and shady to me.

GENTLE READER: Well, it is not. You are obligated to respond quickly to an invitation, and some expression of regret is kind if you decline. But you do not need to provide an excuse.

However, Miss Manners does acknowledge that if any of us could honestly say, "Unfortunately, I have to be in Sweden then to pick up my prize from the king," we would.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want to have 32 of my neighbors over to celebrate my birthday (no gifts, of course), with a few snacks and a cake, at around 4:30 to 6:30. How would I write the invitation, and would I have to supply chairs for all?

GENTLE READER: Invite them to tea or cocktails without mentioning the birthday until you thank them, during the event, for celebrating with you. They will then protest that they wish they had known.

That should solve the no-gifts problem.

As for the chairs, you have not told Miss Manners which birthday it will be, and whether your contemporaries will be happy standing around or sitting on the floor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)