DEAR MISS MANNERS: Living in a retirement community, I expected traditional civilities among residents. However, a couple of au courant ladies are ready to casually inquire over dinner, "Are you gay?" or even "When did you discover you were gay?"

Traditionally, such questions about private matters were no more acceptable than "How much money do you make?" or "Why did you and your wife divorce?"

Can you suggest a polite response that refuses to honor the question and avoids showing my rightful anger at the impertinence?

GENTLE READER: A distinguished gentleman, who had moved to a retirement facility to accommodate his ailing wife, once complained to Miss Manners about similar nosiness. In his case, it was that if he appeared anywhere alone, ladies would demand to know what had happened to his wife.

"Do they think I am neglecting her?" he asked.

"No, my dear," Miss Manners told her friend. "They want to know if you are now eligible."

She more than suspects that this is what prompts the rudeness you are encountering. She suggests looking intently at the questioner and saying, "I can't imagine how my answer, whatever it might be, would affect you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone invites us to something (informally, impromptu, as in, "Can you come over for dinner Saturday?"), it is my natural instinct to say yes if I can -- and if I can't, I say what I'm doing instead: "So sorry, but we have tickets to the ballet."

This leaves a third category: when you have other plans, but for some reason don't want to say what they are.

For instance, you're having your own dinner party, but you didn't invite this person. Or you are tired of going out and need a night home in front of the TV.

My husband has no problem saying, "Sorry, we have other plans," without saying what they are. He would say that even if our other plans were to receive a Nobel Prize, I'm sure.

I realize his statement is a good solution, but I just can't seem to do it. It sounds abrupt and shady to me.

GENTLE READER: Well, it is not. You are obligated to respond quickly to an invitation, and some expression of regret is kind if you decline. But you do not need to provide an excuse.

However, Miss Manners does acknowledge that if any of us could honestly say, "Unfortunately, I have to be in Sweden then to pick up my prize from the king," we would.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want to have 32 of my neighbors over to celebrate my birthday (no gifts, of course), with a few snacks and a cake, at around 4:30 to 6:30. How would I write the invitation, and would I have to supply chairs for all?

GENTLE READER: Invite them to tea or cocktails without mentioning the birthday until you thank them, during the event, for celebrating with you. They will then protest that they wish they had known.

That should solve the no-gifts problem.

As for the chairs, you have not told Miss Manners which birthday it will be, and whether your contemporaries will be happy standing around or sitting on the floor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with oversharing from a friend?

I have a friend who turns almost every conversation into a chance to use me as a free therapist. She tells me, in great detail, about her very active dating life -- her feelings about each date, plus her tedious self-analysis of every doubt, feeling and changing mood. She asks me for my insight and advice about every trivial event in her life.

She rarely asks how I'm doing, and when she does, it's obvious that my life bores her.

Is there a way to change this dynamic, or should I just ghost her? Can I end this friendship?

GENTLE READER: What friendship?

No one has discovered a pleasant way of breaking off a bond when one party does not suspect anything has gone wrong. Ghosting -- cutting things off without explanation -- is considered cowardly and cruel. But issuing a report card, with all the reasons that the once-liked person is no longer tolerable, is worse.

Forget the idea that such a critique will inspire them to reform and go on to have a happy life. If they try, what happens when they discover that the relationship was already beyond repair?

Thus the it's-not-you-it's-me approach, which is tactful, if worn. Miss Manners prefers a modified version of ghosting, which is drifting off -- just being less and less available. But she admits that while it sometimes has to be done, there is no truly charming way of doing it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seen it confirmed by multiple authorities lately that the not-bride just does not wear white to a wedding. So what should I have done when my sister showed up at my daughter's wedding wearing a pure white dress of a lacelike material?

I tried to ignore it at the time, knowing the enormous scene my sister would make if I tried to throw her out. But all these years later, I still berate myself for having failed my daughter on her day.

GENTLE READER: Your conscience is out of whack. You should have harbored guilt if you did cause a scene at your daughter's wedding, not if you politely refrained from doing so.

That you are still mad at your sister is a different issue. Miss Manners advises you to take comfort in knowing that no one mistook her for the bride, and some may have been amused at the attempt.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do rules of etiquette apply when no one else is present? To paraphrase the classic philosophical question: If a person burps loudly or chews with their mouth open in their home, and there is no one there to witness it, have they broken an etiquette standard?

GENTLE READER: No! You will be happy to hear that when you are home alone with the windows shaded, you may be as piggish as you like. Etiquette is a social code dealing with social interactions.

Miss Manners feels obliged to remind you that "no one else present" means that you do not have license to be piggish in front of your family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does etiquette provide guidance on dealing with inanimate objects that are unaccompanied by their owners?

I swim laps daily at a local recreation center. In the locker room, there are approximately 100 lockers and just two relatively narrow benches for patrons to utilize as they are changing.

What to do when the bench is largely occupied by things like empty baby carriers, gym bags, clothes or buckets of toiletries, leaving no place to comfortably change into street clothes? The owners of these objects are usually not even present.

Also, what do you suggest when the objects' owner is present -- and is taking up nearly 100% of the bench with toiletries, suitcases, clothes, etc. -- while I am trying to change?

GENTLE READER: It is always better to assume that the person is present so that you do not get accused of theft.

A quick look around -- followed by, "Does anyone mind if I move things over a bit so that I can change?" if people are present -- is perfectly called for, if you are brave enough to do it.

Miss Manners admits, however, that she might be too shy. Consulting with management to see about posting signs would be more her style. "Please remember that all guests come with baggage" comes to mind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin, at my invitation, has been included in a group of ladies with whom I have been friends for years. One of those friends now rents my cousin's garage apartment.

My cousin recently invited me and the friend who rents her apartment to accompany her on a weekend trip to her condo in Florida. When one of our other friends heard that we were going (it didn't occur to us to keep it a secret), she demanded that we ask my cousin to invite her.

Neither I nor my other friend believed that it was appropriate for us to make this request. The invitation was not ours to give; we were the invitees.

This other friend does not know my cousin very well -- they are acquaintances at best -- but she is very angry that she was not invited. She has made up her mind that my cousin doesn't like her and has treated her coldly whenever they have met since.

Were my friend and I wrong not to have asked for this woman to be invited on the trip? And what were we to say if we had asked, and been refused?

GENTLE READER: It would not have been polite for you or your friend to invite someone else to your cousin's condo. And if you had asked your cousin, she would have been put in an awkward position -- but with the absolute right to refuse.

If the third friend wants to behave badly toward your cousin, Miss Manners supposes that is her impolite right. But it will certainly ensure that she never gets a future invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)