DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a nephew who is getting married this coming June. His fiancee is a gem of a girl, but my nephew and I have almost no relationship.

I am wondering if I should attend the wedding. He and his dad (my brother) are ardent right-wingers, while I describe myself as a "rabid liberal." I know I will be ignored by the immediate family, and I'm not close to the extended family, either.

My feeling is that I should just keep to myself and send them a nice gift. But at the same time, I don't want to hurt my nephew's bride. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Unpleasant family duties are not a new invention, although Miss Manners recognizes that the level of unpleasantness is on the rise.

You should not attend if you know that your presence will, through no fault of your own, cause a scene that will mar the event. Merely that you will be bored is a less convincing excuse. If you do not attend, nothing bars you from writing a charming letter to the bride, welcoming her to the family and expressing your disappointment that you were not -- without giving specifics -- able to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a dinner party, I was stunned to see one of my guests grab a handful of marinated olives and sun-dried tomatoes from a serving bowl without using the spoon provided. She then passed the bowl to the guest seated to her left. Most of the other five guests helped themselves to olives using the spoon. I believe that I was the only one who saw her put her hands in the bowl. I didn't have any olives in reserve to refill the bowl, and there was no way to immediately remove it from the table without making a scene. How could I have handled this situation?

GENTLE READER: As the bowl had already been passed around, you might as well have waited for a natural opportunity to remove it. Miss Manners suspects that your real concern is about the olives already taken by the unsuspecting five.

Do you have a public health duty to clear the table and send everyone home? Perhaps -- if you know something they do not, such as the COVID-positive status of your grabby guest.

But barring that, you will have to hope that the behavior you observed had, as seems most likely, no adverse consequences. You can also pass the dessert counterclockwise -- or, if we can dispense with informality, serve the guests yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and her husband got married 40 years ago, then divorced within 10 years after having their children. They got back together several years later, and have been remarried for the last 15 years.

The 40th anniversary of their initial marriage is coming up. Would it be appropriate to celebrate their 40th anniversary this year?

GENTLE READER: So long as your sister and her husband only celebrate their 40th anniversary once, Miss Manners is willing to start the clock whenever suits the now-happy couple.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During COVID, my husband and I traveled to visit my sister out of state. We live a secluded lifestyle under normal circumstances, and even more so during COVID.

We are fully vaccinated, we wear masks, we avoid unnecessary socializing and we travel by RV or car to avoid flying and public transportation. My sister's daughter (my niece) and her family are/were just the opposite.

One day during our stay, while I was sitting on the front porch, my niece and her family drove up. They asked if they were allowed inside and I suggested they ask my sister.

My niece's husband blew up and accused me of controlling my sister. He came up on the porch shouting and waving his arms in front of me. I will not deny that I responded verbally to his bullying, though no cursing was exchanged.

Last Christmas, he and his wife uncharacteristically sent us an inexpensive box of cookies. I suspect the gift was his way of apologizing without admitting guilt. Now my family is pressing me to move on and even take responsibility for my reaction to the bullying, but I still cannot forgive the behavior. Am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Your relative was rude and you were rude back. He then failed to apologize (cookies are flour, sugar and sometimes butter; they are not apologies, no matter how clear the butter).

You are considering moving on, which is also not an apology. And your family is trying to determine whether you or he have greater cause for grievance.

One purpose of etiquette is to restore peace after human beings misbehave -- not to keep score. Miss Manners is therefore going to go and see if there are any cookies left while you move on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a daughter-in-law who is a very strict vegan. None of us are. She seems to expect that when she's invited over to a family function, we should be sure to serve vegan items, versus her bringing her own specialty meal.

It's a lot of work cooking for a group, let alone a single vegan person. When she invited us to a potluck, and we asked what we could bring, we were presented with a menu and recipes to choose from. She actually assigned things to bring.

I have never come across anyone like this, and it's very frustrating. What is the best way to handle this type of personality without losing my cool and alienating her, which I'm close to doing?

GENTLE READER: Potluck squabbles are so often brought to Miss Manners that she is happy to find another argument against them on behalf of those with strict dietary requirements.

It is reasonable of your daughter-in-law to expect that you will provide some items that she can eat at family functions. But she has no authority over what is served to other guests. Following a similar logic, if she wants to control the menu at her own functions, she should provide the food -- otherwise, she will have to be gracious when her brother-in-law brings pigs in blankets.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with a person who counters any challenges with "you're crazy"?

Instead of discussing ideas in a civil tone, my husband tries to dismiss any attempts at debate by shutting me down with a label both inaccurate and cruel. Debasing a person with an ad hominem attack is the "craziest" thing I have ever seen.

In the past, I have told him he doesn't have the licensing requirements to diagnose any illness. It doesn't stop his attacks.

Any ideas for this crazy woman?

GENTLE READER: Is it safe to presume that your husband is not trying to build a case to have you committed to an asylum so that he can carry on with the lady next door?

Assuming those are not his intentions, it is only a matter of teaching him a polite euphemism. Miss Manners suggests one that was in frequent use in the U.S. Congress in better days: "I believe you are gravely mistaken."

However, as you may have observed from our government in action, there are people who prefer delivering insults to working out differences. If your husband is such a one, Miss Manners can only offer you her sympathy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is engaged to a great guy. She is head-over-heels for him, and the rest of us really like him, too. They are a great match.

The issue is that while my daughter has many friends and a huge family on both my side and my wife's, he has a relatively small family and not as many friends. He and I get along great, and he expressed interest in having me be his best man.

I've only known him for a year or so, and although we are close, he's not my "best friend" and vice versa. My daughter says "no way," and so does my wife.

I know I'm supposed to walk her down the aisle and be the Father of the Bride, and I really don't want to be his best man. I'm just curious if there is any kind of wedding etiquette that frowns on the FOTB also being the best man.

GENTLE READER: Why do you appeal to Miss Manners, when you have your daughter available? All she needs to say is, "Honey, that's so sweet, and I'm thrilled that you feel that way about my father. He thinks the world of you. But he already has an important place in the wedding, and another one would be too much."

But as you did ask her, Miss Manners must say, once again, that a wedding is not like a play with specific roles to be cast. The wedding should fit the families, not the other way around.

It is not mandatory that there be a best man. The simple function of handing over the bride's ring could be done by the maid of honor, if there is one. Or even by you, as you will be at the altar anyway, although at your daughter's side, not his.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)