DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a rule against flushing the toilet at night that I have so far overlooked?

My family has started hosting overnight guests again after a hiatus. Each of the last two people who stayed with us asked my permission to flush the toilet at night before they turned in.

The bathroom is in the hallway shared by the bedrooms, including our children's. I guess the concern was that the flush would wake up the kids?

This isn't something I've ever worried about, or thought to ask at someone else's house. Is it rude to flush without permission? I can't imagine not flushing would be a good option for anyone.

GENTLE READER: Unless you are on a train and stopped at a station, Miss Manners can think of no reason why flushing should be suspended. The shock of any late-night noise will surely be far less offensive than that of waking up to refuse that has been lingering overnight.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a friend tell me not to say the phrase "to be honest with you," because it "makes me look stupid." This admonishment was as unexpected as it was disturbing.

I explained that there are many ways to say the same thing, and doing so does not imply that I was being dishonest previously. I went as far as to give him a list of possible alternatives that I use. They were:

-- Actually ...

-- As a matter of fact ...

-- As it happens ...

-- Frankly ...

-- Truth be told ...

-- In actual fact ...

-- In all fairness ...

-- In all honesty ...

-- In all sincerity...

-- In fact ...

-- To be fair ...

-- To be frank ...

-- To tell the truth ...

-- Truth be told ...

-- Truthfully ...

-- With all due respect ...

-- TBH (short for "To be honest") ...

I was met with silence. I don't believe I am incorrect.

My mother, who had a Ph.D. in English and was a famous screenwriter, would occasionally say it and had heard me say it. If there was anyone I'd expect to correct me, it would have been her.

Is the above-mentioned phrase offensive or rude?

GENTLE READER: These phrases are not in and of themselves rude or vapid. It is what inevitably follows them that usually is: an unsavory opinion, and not an objective fact.

So if Miss Manners could get her readers to stop insulting one another under the name of honesty, she is sure that the expressions would return to being what they once were: benign turns of phrase, not warnings of insults to come.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my day-to-day life, I do not use any cosmetics. However, occasionally, when I go out to an event, I sometimes wear a muted lipstick or a touch of mascara -- but really not in an elaborate or flamboyant way.

How do I respond when people I know comment with surprise, "Oh, you are wearing makeup!"? I find such comments embarrassing and do not make them myself, as I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

GENTLE READER: "Oh dear -- if it's that noticeable, I suppose I shouldn't have."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A former colleague of mine now works at a company that makes a product I happen to really like.

When we worked together, we weren't especially close, but had a good rapport. I recently saw him on social media, said hello and told him how much I enjoyed this product. We had a little back-and-forth chitchat, which ended with him saying if I needed any products, he could get me a discount.

How do I interpret his offer? Do I come across as a schnorrer if I say yes, I do happen to be running low, and could I now take advantage of his generous offer? The product is not cheap, so a discount would be welcome. I probably would only do it once, but even so: Is an offer always an offer, or is it sometimes just someone being polite?

GENTLE READER: Anyone who works in retail is generally given strict specifications about the discounts that can be offered. Miss Manners therefore thinks you can politely take this man at his word:

"I do so love your company's snail plasma eye cream, and you mentioned that you can offer a discount. Would you really be able to provide that without difficulty? I promise not to take advantage." And then make certain to keep that promise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My nickname is a shortened version of my name. My family and closest friends have always called me by that nickname, which is fine. I think of it as a term of endearment.

The problem is that other people hear me respond to that nickname and then start using it, too. I really don't like it. It seems much too familiar.

How can I let it be known, without hurting feelings, that I prefer my unabbreviated name?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, Chrys is just a family nickname. Please call me Chrysanthemum."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often host parties and gatherings in my home, and I have a question regarding people who reply "Maybe" to my invitations.

I understand that some people may have to check work schedules or find child care before they can offer a firm "Yes," but I'm finding a growing number of people who just won't commit.

Lately I've been criticized by the noncommittal folks for not reinviting them when I don't get a definitive response. I don't feel that a second invitation is necessary when all the pertinent details have already been communicated. I think the onus is on the person who gave a vague reply to follow up, and that they should do so sooner rather than later. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Chasing down guests who have already stated that they have commitment issues is not required. One might argue that it is rude, as they have already demonstrated that they prefer not to be bothered.

But if you continue to be reprimanded by noncommittal guests, Miss Manners gives you permission to say, "The specifics of the event have not changed. If your answer has, then please let me know. We would love to have you there."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two dear friends married each other three months ago. I was invited to the wedding and so was my sister, along with our significant others. The wedding location was an hour's drive away, so it made sense for us to carpool.

The outdoor wedding -- including the ceremony itself, plus a celebration with ample food and beverage -- was to start at 5 p.m. and end at 11 p.m. My sister is known for making brief appearances at parties, so the bride requested that my girlfriend and I drive separately. She explained that our attendance to the very end was important on her special day.

As the bride knew, my girlfriend had recently had eye surgery, which made social events tiring. Against the bride's request, we kept our plans to carpool and to leave before 11 p.m. We lasted until just after 9, at which time my girlfriend and my sister were exhausted, and the four of us bid farewell to the bride and groom.

The bride seemed vexed by our "early" departure and asked me if I could remain while the other three returned home, suggesting that I'd surely find a ride back two hours later. Unwilling to leave my date unattended, I made my apologies and left with my sister and friends.

Since that day, I've noticed a distinct coolness from the bride. Against custom, I was not invited to her annual holiday gathering, nor did I receive best wishes on my birthday. Clearly I'm being punished.

Is it proper for a bride to request driving arrangements and hours of attendance at a wedding, and should I have made every effort to stay?

GENTLE READER: No, no and no, but Miss Manners is not done with you yet.

The bride asked you for a favor that you were not required to grant -- and did not want to. But she was, as a dear friend, entitled to an explanation and perhaps also an apology.

What would have been the harm in saying, "We really will do our best to stay the whole night, but I also have to look after Imogene -- the eye surgery has been harder on her than she lets on. I know you'll understand"?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My former husband died this year, 10 years after our separation and divorce. We remained friendly as we raised our children to adulthood, and neither of us had embarked upon new relationships since we parted ways.

When asked my marital status on forms, I'm unsure of how to answer. Is one still "divorced" after the death of the ex-spouse? May I say "widowed," although our marriage ended long ago? Just replying "single" is not always an option.

GENTLE READER: Identifying as widowed is to be avoided, as it invites misplaced condolences. Most forms have no business asking about marital status, and many no longer do so. On those that still do ask, the question can often be ignored.

But while Miss Manners understands that identifying as single can expose one to unwelcome attention, it is often the simplest option.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)