DEAR MISS MANNERS: About once a month, we go out to dinner with another couple and always have a good time. We tend to order roughly the same things -- one drink each, no desserts unless it's a special occasion -- so we just split the bill.

We were surprised, but fine with it, when they suggested that we should eat at their house next time instead of going out. We've all been doing a lot of creative cooking during the pandemic, and I offered to host the following time.

We had a nice meal -- but then they told us what our share of the cost would be! I'm in shock that our friends would be so stingy as to charge us for eating at their own home. We thought they were close friends!

GENTLE READER: Evidently, they are close. Or maybe just confused.

There is, indeed, a huge difference between a restaurant and a home. Or rather, there should be. But the habit of eating in commercial establishments has resulted in all but obliterating the meaning of private hospitality.

This shows up in many ways. Guests no longer feel obliged to make definite advance commitments -- perhaps even less than they do for restaurants, which may charge no-shows. They expect to be able to state their food preferences. They are not likely to reciprocate.

And hosts who no longer feel the sole responsibility for providing the meal may even assign some of the shopping and cooking to their guests.

Your friends have carried this to a crude extreme. To anyone who remembers the ancient tradition of hospitality, this is sad. Planning and overseeing entertainment was a pleasure that people enjoyed taking turns doing. The claim that it put all the burden on the hosts was false because reciprocity evened it out.

Miss Manners might have been inclined to make this point by asking your friends whether the price they quoted included the service charge.

But if you are not terminally insulted by your friends' having treated you as a customer rather than a guest, you could just set an example in your own house. The opportunity to discuss this will be when your friends ask what they can bring, or attempt to pay. Then you can properly express your horror: "No, no, it's our home, and we consider it a pleasure to entertain you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor is hosting a brunch for a local mother who lost her daughter in early December. The daughter was tragically murdered, leaving two grown sons and a 3-year-old. It was terribly painful for the entire family.

My husband and I are of the belief that it is too soon for this event. Please help me sort this out in my mind.

GENTLE READER: It is not for outsiders to decide what constitutes a proper period of mourning. If it were too early for the bereaved mother to be coaxed out to what may be a low-key event, that lady could have begged off.

Life was simpler, Miss Manners agrees, when society set firm periods for withdrawing after a death, but these were not always what best suited the individual. The way for you to come to terms with this is to acknowledge that you cannot know the survivor's needs, so it is best to let her decide whether this is too soon.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother cannot recognize the realities of my life. My husband lost his job four years ago; we eke by with thoughtful spending and renting out our guest room. I work overtime whenever I can, so we can have little luxuries like a streaming service subscription and quality food for our pets.

My mother is fully aware of our situation, and though she has given us cash in the past, she prefers to buy me clothes for "stepping out" as gifts. These clothes are definitely more her taste than mine (plus, she knows we never go out). She includes a gift receipt so the clothes can be returned, but often only for a gift card at a store I would normally never shop at because they don't carry anything I need.

Returning the clothes involves spending hours of my scarce free time taking a bus (we don't have a car), hauling awkward boxes and then scouring the store for ways to spend the credit. All the while, I'm thinking, "That could have bought a month's worth of groceries, or paid the vet bill."

Gifting these clothes allows my mother to live in a fantasy where her child has a vibrant, cosmopolitan lifestyle instead of the less glamorous reality.

Of all the complaints between child and parent, this seems very minor. But her denial of our situation makes me feel unseen, unheard, and that I embarrass her. Is there a kind way to communicate that her gifts are a burden? And that the most welcome gift from a more well-off and well-meaning mother is to send cash?

GENTLE READER: Is it maybe just possible that rather than shame you, your mother is trying to give you these small luxuries because she knows you would not indulge in them yourself?

That is, after all, what presents usually are -- not taunts and humiliation over a life she deems clearly out of your reach.

What you are suggesting instead is that she give you financial support. If you want to ask for that, Miss Manners would not stand in your way. But she does take objection to ascribing unkind motives to innocently given presents -- no matter how unusable and misguided those presents may be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am invited to a 60th birthday party for twin sisters, but I only know one of them. Should I bring gifts for both or just the one I know?

GENTLE READER: For twins under 12, bringing a present for both of them to share would be a gracious thing to do.

But at 60, unless the two sisters live together, it is no longer practical or age-appropriate. Miss Manners therefore condones bringing only a present for the sister you know, with the presumption that the other sister's guests will pick up the slack.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do you keep one hand below the table when you're eating?

GENTLE READER: So that it can keep watch on your wandering elbow.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I have an amicable disagreement concerning window shopping.

In my view, it is perfectly acceptable to enter a store and look around, even if the chance I will purchase an item is somewhat low. In instances when I speak with an attendant, I set expectations by saying, "I am not sure if I am ready to make a purchase yet, but I have a brief question" -- and I make sure to keep the question brief. I also refrain from doing so if the attendant appears busy or if the store is full of other customers.

My significant other is deeply uncomfortable with this. They feel that it is impolite to raise the expectations of a store attendant that you may be making a purchase -- especially if you ask a question or derive some benefit from the interaction without making a purchase.

I disagree. Stores know that not all customers will purchase an item, but that providing a reasonable level of assistance will increase the chance of converting a window shopper into a paying customer. I was never annoyed to answer brief questions from polite window shoppers when I worked retail in my youth.

On the other hand, my partner points out that some associates still receive commissions on sales, so each person entering a store will raise their expectations in spite of my good intentions.

GENTLE READER: Both of these things can be true. As long as you are not treating the store as a museum, taking up the associates' time (although if the store is quiet and they are passionate about their wares, it is possible they might enjoy the conversation), Miss Manners finds it acceptable to browse.

Of course, window shopping does mean looking through the window from the outside, not from within, so you may want to more clearly define your terms. But otherwise, every store associate knows that a sale is never guaranteed -- and being polite and answering questions is always more apt to pique a prospective buyer's interest than the opposite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years, a friend would invite me and a guest to an annual exclusive black-tie event at a historic private club. I would reciprocate with invitations to a similar occasion.

For obvious reasons, we didn't socialize this way during the pandemic. But now that quarantine is over, I see they are going to this event without me.

This is obviously their right, but I am sad. I miss their company and I miss the event. Is there any way to ask about it without seeming churlish and rude?

GENTLE READER: The next time you see them, wistfully mention, "I do miss our black-tie events together. Maybe someday we'll be able to return to them together."

For maximum guilt, Miss Manners suggests you do this at your house -- over a lovely meal that you have just cooked and served them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to wear a black dress to a wedding?

GENTLE READER: Not unless you are protesting it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)