DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a lovely silver candelabra that is a family piece. I keep it on display on a sideboard in my dining room with white taper candles. It is purely decorative; I have never had the occasion to use it for its intended purpose.
At a shower at my house, one of my friends took me aside to tell me that I was committing a decorating/etiquette faux pas by having unlit candles in the candelabra. She said that I should at least present the appearance that the candelabra was used if I were going to display it.
I had never heard of this. Is she right? Do I need to light all of the candles, let them burn for a little while, and then blow them out?
GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners explains this to you, are you going to use it as evidence that the entire field of etiquette -- the whole paralegal system to regulate human social behavior at a tolerant level -- is silly?
Probably.
Nevertheless, she will plunge ahead.
The idea is to avoid displaying things purely for show. Supposedly, you furnish your house for practical reasons -- which can include the pleasure you derive from nonutilitarian objects for their aesthetic or sentimental value. That is how you think of your family candelabra.
Nevertheless, it is obviously a utilitarian object, the practical use of which you are ignoring. The candles, being there just for display, are a bit like the fancy guest towels that hosts resent their guests using. Burning the wicks suggests acknowledging their use, even if you do not continue to use them.
Is failing to do so a high crime? Certainly not. Especially when compared to criticizing the decor in a house in which you are a guest.