DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one properly express condolences when you are told that a distant family member, who abused you and whom you loathe, has died?
"I'm sorry for your loss" seems wrong. I'm not.
"I hope he didn't suffer." That wouldn't be sincere; I kinda hope he did, a little. "Is there anything I can do?" Nope, the family was complicit in their denial of the abuse. I don't want to help them at all.
Silence isn't an option. It would be noticed and questioned and I would end up looking like an insensitive jerk. What to do?
GENTLE READER: Although she can help you, Miss Manners cautions against too much self-congratulation over your intention to be sincere. You want the words you speak to be true, but the impression you leave to be false -- namely that you are sensitive to their loss.
Very well: "Thank you for letting me know. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. My condolences." Perhaps it would compromise you too much to offer your "deepest condolences."