DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the past two years, we have been living behind masks as we strive to keep from spreading, and contracting, COVID-19. Although they help reduce contagion, masks also eliminate handy facial characteristics that help us identify people.

Given this constraint, I'm wondering if there might be some polite way to say, "Who are you?" when people greet me. With nothing to go on besides eye color and voice, I often have no way of knowing who they are.

I don't want to be blunt, but I don't want to be clueless, either.

GENTLE READER: A quizzical look -- from a respectful distance -- may help the masked person realize that they are difficult to identify. Or Miss Manners has found the more proactive, "Hi! It's me, Jerry!" from the person being stared at to be helpful and ingratiating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommate invited a group of her friends over for wine and charcuterie boards as a "bon voyage" for one of them who would be spending a few months in Europe. She did not give me much notice of this get-together -- she told me at 10:30 that morning that guests would be arriving around 6 p.m. -- but she did extend an invitation to me. (I do not really know any of her friends, except in passing.)

I accepted the invitation, and she went to the supermarket to prepare. I attended the gathering and ate a few crackers and some cheese, and had a glass or two of wine.

The following day, she approached me and said that I owed her money for the food she bought. She said everyone else had already chipped in, having agreed that would be fair.

First, I was shocked that she would ask such a thing. In my experience, when someone is hosting a party at their house, they do not ask their guests to contribute financially. Additionally, she did not tell me when she invited me that I would be required to split the costs.

I told her I had to think about it. I live here too, and the common areas are shared spaces. I probably wouldn't have even bothered attending the party had I known I'd have to split a few hundred dollars' worth of food with people I don't even know.

I'm not sure of the proper thing to do in this situation, and there is a lot of tension between us right now.

GENTLE READER: "If we were giving a joint party, then of course I would share the costs. But you invited me to this last-minute, and there was no talk of splitting it. Next time, please give me fair warning that your friends are coming over and I will do my best to vacate the premises."

Miss Manners would be tempted to add how far from "fair" it was for your roommate to charge her other guests, but one confrontation is probably enough for now -- especially when you need to continue to live with this person.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a nice way to ask people to butt out of a conversation?

I just met with a friend whose 4-year-old grandson is visiting. I like to ask young children questions, such as: What's your favorite dinosaur? What did you eat for lunch? What did you see on the plane coming here?

I don't care about the actual answers; I just want to engage the child and get to know him.

Inevitably, the mom, dad or grandparent answers the questions instead of letting the child speak. I would have loved to ask the grown-ups to go away and let the kid speak, but every way I can think of sounds rude. Even when I have said that I am really interested in the kid's opinion, the parent will continue to respond. They cannot STAND for their child to answer slowly, incompletely or (heaven forbid) incorrectly.

I cannot be the only FOK (friend of kids) who actually wants to know what they have to say for themselves.

GENTLE READER: Treating a child as someone worthy of an opinion is a good deed. Miss Manners will therefore allow you one wink at the child, accompanied by a humorous "Mommy knows the answer, doesn't she?" But you must then pivot to Mommy with "He's so charming! I love hearing what little ones think!" fast enough to take away any sting.

But ultimately you will have to defer to the parent, even if you think they are being overprotective or too literal-minded. If you are right, Mommy will still be answering for Liam when he is old enough to set Mommy straight himself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After my uncle recently died, a cousin sent me some cremated remains that had been in his custody, saying they were the ashes of my beloved surrogate grandmother, Paula, who died about 20 years ago.

The remains are in an ornate, beautiful Chinese urn that has been passed lovingly around that branch of the family for years. I was honored to receive it.

The problem? This is not Paula. I attended the scattering of Paula's ashes at sea.

I worked in a mortuary for years and have had much experience with cremated remains, so I can also say that this was not done by an American funeral home in the last 30 years. It is unlike anything I have ever seen.

No one in my family has ever had any idea that this urn contains anyone other than Paula. Of course, I intend to treat my unexpected guest with all respect and reverence, but I'm not sure how best to accomplish that.

GENTLE READER: Your predicament reminds Miss Manners of the Gilbert and Sullivan general who brags about his ancestral tombs, only to be reminded that he purchased the estate quite recently.

"I don't know whose ancestors they were," the general answers haughtily, "but I know whose ancestors they are."

If you can break the news gently to the remaining members of the family, perhaps you can all agree that, like the tomb of the unknown soldier, the urn can stand in as a way to honor both Paula and the unnamed surrogate who was tardily adopted into the family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I bought a friend of mine lunch at a nice restaurant. It was a way of celebrating an ordeal I had gone through that had finally come to a close.

After we were seated, he didn't want to order any food, and kept his earbuds in to answer calls. He finally ordered something, took one bite and said he didn't want it. He also kept looking around the restaurant to see if he knew anyone there that he could talk to. He wanted to abruptly leave because he realized he had an appointment to talk to a neighbor.

That evening, I called and demanded my money back for the lunch. He said he would give it back to me. The next day, he denied saying that. Money is very important to me right now. What do you think of his behavior?

GENTLE READER: The emotions Miss Manners is experiencing must be what the fire investigator feels when, moments after surveying the rubble, she is asked whether it was arson.

Your friend ought not to have reneged on his promise to return the money. But, working backwards, these were also rude: your asking him to return the money, his inattention and attempts to escape during the meal, and your idea that in paying for the food, you purchased his attention.

Which brings us to the initiating spark. It is time to stamp out the unpleasant idea that ordeals are to be celebrated. (And you may save yourself the trouble of protesting that you meant to say you were celebrating your triumph over said ordeal -- she has heard enough about what is said and done at, for example, divorce parties to suspect you did not misspeak.)

When communities came together in the Middle Ages to give thanks for the ending of a plague, the tone was humble and funereal, not celebratory. It also focused on gratitude for having survived, not the reasons for doing so.

Your friend behaved badly, but one can sympathize with his reluctance to celebrate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Throughout my life, I have always enjoyed sending and receiving personal, handwritten notes. Even a two-line thank-you from a nephew has meant more to me than any mother-enforced phone call.

For my own notes, I have collected an assortment of unique cards on which to write my messages. In the past three years or so, however, tremors in my hands have rendered my handwriting mostly illegible.

Now that I am forced to include a computer-generated note inside my cards, is it better to include a line like, "Please excuse the printed note; my hands have aged faster than the rest of me"? Or is it better to ignore the situation altogether? No matter what fancy font or graphics I use, the computer-generated notes still look impersonal.

GENTLE READER: Medical excuses have become too commonplace to retain any gracefulness -- or, Miss Manners suspects, much power to convince, no matter how true they may be.

She would therefore skip the explanation and instead spend her energy making the substance of the communication that much more welcome -- assuming, as she does, that it was the physical printing, and not the wording, that was computer-generated.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)