DEAR MISS MANNERS: It happened AGAIN last week for the umpteenth time: I took my car in for maintenance at the dealership, which prides itself on customer service. I waited in the very comfortable lounge while the work was completed, paid the invoice, walked out and got into a sparkling-clean car that had just been washed as part of the service.

I had driven less than a block when I realized that the seat was out of adjustment. At the first corner, I looked in the exterior rearview mirror, only to find that the mirror had been knocked out of its cradle and was giving me a view of blue sky.

When I glanced down at the dash to see how much gas I had left, the read-out had been changed from "fuel range" to "odometer." The most frustrating of all was that the radio, which I had left on a classical station, was now blaring hard rock.

This is MY car and MY personal space. I share a home with others; I share a workspace with others; when I go to a movie, I share that space with others (and sometimes they are very rude). My car is my personal sanctuary.

This almost always happens whenever I take my car for any kind of service, whether it is the dealership, a service garage or even a car wash. It makes me feel the same way I felt when I came home to discover a home invasion in progress. These people are violating my space, and I resent it.

It should be possible for a mechanic to test-drive the car around the block without changing every setting to fit their needs, since they will be behind the wheel for less than 10 minutes. If they wish to listen to the radio while working, I don't object to that, as long as it is returned to the original station before it is returned to me.

If I am not totally off-base, how do I approach this in a civil and respectable manner?

GENTLE READER: One is always free to speak to management, a principle Miss Manners upholds even if the explosion of online customer reviews has tested its limits.

As this dealership prides itself on customer service, point out that you would not be the only one who noticed, with gratitude, if they made sure to return the car's settings to the way they found them -- when no other service centers do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me the proper way to get noticed when standing at an office counter, waiting for service. I do not wish to be rude and clear my throat, nor do I want to wait for 15 to 20 minutes while the staff visits.

GENTLE READER: The way to get noticed is by being in motion: Look around, lean over the counter to see if you missed something, walk to one side and then the other.

Miss Manners advises doing this politely, with the most innocent, inquisitive expression -- not rudely, with stomping of feet, grunts and constant checks of your watch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can one respond when bumping into a friend they haven't seen in a year or so, and the first thing the friend says is, "Where have YOU been? You haven't been around in ages!"

The tone of voice suggests that I am hiding and being unsocial, when in fact the friend hasn't reached out to me, either, during that time. It puts me on the defensive to explain why I haven't been in touch with them.

I also experience this at a nonprofit organization where I have been a volunteer for years, helping out when my schedule allows. A couple of people who spend a regular amount of time there greet me with, "Oh, are you here to help today?"

Of course they know I am there to volunteer, and their catty tone suggests that they'd almost forgotten about me. Meanwhile, I have been at the organization longer than they have and even helped to train them! I just don't know how to respond to such remarks.

GENTLE READER: Though such greetings are understandably off-putting, Miss Manners notes that they gain the greeter nothing when they appear to slide off the recipient without effect. Whether this means responding with, "Oh, you know me -- busy, busy, busy!" or "Where have YOU been hiding? It really has been a long time" will depend on how much time and effort you wish to invest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did it become acceptable for a guest coming and staying at your house not to tell you the day they are arriving and the day they are leaving?

This is constantly happening with a relative of mine. Yes, we have told her, and her bore of a husband, multiple times that we need the specific dates. We thought we had it licked this last time, as she told us on Tuesday that they would be arriving on Friday. That gave us a day and a half of notice. But when they got here, they would not tell us when they were leaving. I could not get them to tell us until the day before they left.

My mother is 90 years old and has to plan all the meals, etc., when they visit. I did the cleaning, which is difficult because I also work full-time. They never once complimented the house, the cooking or the little things my mother did to make their visit nice.

When did this become OK? My mother won't let me at them to make it crystal clear, as she thinks I am being rude.

GENTLE READER: Your mother does not think you are being rude, dear. She thinks you intend to be rude, and she is right to stop you, if only until you slow down enough to allow for there being more than 36 hours between Tuesday and Friday.

Hosts can set the dates in advance: "Please come on Friday and stay until Monday." It was never polite for a guest to arrive unannounced or outstay an invitation, but that never justified rudely demanding a departure date.

Miss Manners also wonders who has been sinned against in this case, if your mother is, as she appears to be, the hostess and perhaps also the owner of the establishment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The custom of taking hats off indoors seems to be disappearing. Even in church and classrooms, I am increasingly seeing hats (baseball caps, especially).

It would be rude for me to tell all these people to remove their hats, but as a parent, I can enforce this etiquette rule with my own children. And as a teacher, I can enforce it in my own classroom.

My problem is when I am asked, "Why? No one else asks me to take my hat off. Why is it important?" These young minds are not satisfied with the answer of "because it is the proper thing to do."

I've been telling them that when you wear your hat inside, it gives the impression that you are in a hurry to leave. That makes your host (or teacher) think you don't want to be in their company, and that would be rude.

Can you help me with an improved or more complete response? Or is it really not important after all, and I should just let these young people blend in with the hatted crowd?

GENTLE READER: While appreciating your efforts to teach courtesy to your pupils and your children, Miss Manners is grateful to have the opportunity to help you do so on a deeper level. Otherwise, you may get some difficult questions.

What if a Jewish student says that he (but not his sister) has to cover his head in his synagogue as a sign of respect? What if a Catholic student says her grandmother remembers when she (but not Grandpa) had to cover her head in church? What if students report examples where it would be improper, whether for cultural or religious reasons, not to wear turbans or scarves?

"Aha!" the brighter pupils will declare: "This shows that all these rules are arbitrary." And they would be right.

But -- here comes the deeper lesson -- that does not mean that a given society's customs may be ignored with impunity. Symbols are always arbitrary, but can nevertheless carry great emotional weight. A hat on -- or off -- could be extremely offensive, given the setting and circumstances.

Now we complicate things even more by introducing a time and gender element. The traditional American rule was that gentlemen must remove their hats indoors. But for ladies, wearing a hat indoors -- at a luncheon, for example -- was proper. (Girls may try to use this to claim they can wear their baseball caps in class, but no, this does not apply to unisex and/or athletic gear.)

Are any of these rules still in effect?

Morality-based rules remain valid no matter how many people disobey them, just as the prevalence of crime does not make it legal. But symbolism only works when the meaning is generally recognized.

Miss Manners hears from Gentle Readers who object to violations of those hat rules, so she believes the code is still being read. But it would be an interesting research project for your students to find out.

You will have to teach them that the question is not whether people approve of these rules, but whether they are even aware of them; that they should ask the question in a non-prejudicial way; and that they should ask people of different ages.

Miss Manners apologizes for making more homework for you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)