DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have about a dozen fruit trees at our home. We fertilize, prune and care for them ourselves. When the fruit is on the trees, we have invited a few specific people, usually from our church, to come pick some.

When I invited one church member to come and get some fruit, imagine my surprise when she arrived with a caravan of folks, none of whom I knew! The person I'd invited said, in a very loud voice in front of everyone, "Well, you can see I brought friends."

One of the children in the group was climbing the trees, and I was horrified -- especially since lawyers in our area like to heavily advertise the large settlements they win for clients.

This group nearly stripped the trees. Obviously, I will never invite her again, but is there anything that I could have said to discourage this at the time?

GENTLE READER: As your church acquaintance was smugly aware of her rudeness, the only thing Miss Manners would have done is agreed with her: "Yes, we weren't expecting such a large crowd and thorough picking of our fruit. It looks like we may not have enough left for the pie I was hoping to make for everyone later. The children would have particularly enjoyed it after their exhausting and dangerous climbs."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the age of 85, I have a number of digestive problems, including acid reflux and lactose intolerance. I am fortunate to have many friends at this age and stage of life, and while I enjoy getting together for dinner, I prefer to avoid eating at people's homes. I know the host/hostess will go to a great deal of trouble to prepare food, and I am often unable to eat it.

Announcing my situation in advance can cause a problem for the hosts, who choose to allow it to dictate the menu. Not explaining my problem causes me great embarrassment when confronted with a plate of food I cannot eat.

How can I gracefully respond to these invitations without revealing my food issues and answering a barrage of questions? I don't like making an issue of what I can and cannot eat.

Refusing the invitation without giving an honest reason seems to convey not wanting to get together. Responding that I am unavailable at the date/time suggested often is met with an offer to change the date/time. Suggesting that we meet in a restaurant instead seems rude, since I am controlling and changing their plans.

How would you handle these invitations in my position?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners does not usually condone hijacking invitations, yours is a good reason for an exception.

"You know what? It has been too long since I have had you and the tree-shaping club over for dinner. Why don't we do it at my house this time?"

Yes, you are still usurping plans, but in a gracious way. And it is far more appetizing, as you say, than telling them the real reason behind the change.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been living life for other people for the last 20-something years. I've decided to take a risk and sell everything to move to a bigger city. I've always taken care of my family and friends, but I'm doing this for me.

While I do have friends and support in the new city, I haven't told anyone here. Am I required to let my family and friends here know I am moving? I know if I tell them, they will convince me to stay. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Without knowing the particulars of the relationships you are fleeing, Miss Manners cannot give more than general advice: Telling distant friends and relations your new address only after you unpack in the new city is perfectly acceptable. Spouses, dependents and dogs usually deserve advance notice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I suffered an injury that resulted in the necessity of several surgeries and a large cast on my hand for a period of several months (and counting).

Since my accident, I have literally not left the house a single time without at least one person asking me what happened. I find it very rude and invasive, and why would strangers want to know my medical history, anyway?

I usually respond with a terse "I had an accident" or "I injured my hand" and leave it at that. But some people then continue to press for specifics.

I am at a loss as to how to respond to their rude question without resorting to rudeness myself. "None of your business. Quit being nosy" is what I feel like saying (but wouldn't). Can Miss Manners please help me come up with a better response?

GENTLE READER: Just as you need not satisfy their curiosity at the expense of your own privacy, you are under no obligation to provide such people with variety. "I injured my hand," can be repeated, without rancor or even inflection, as many times as even the nosiest person can ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear college friend and I text one to two times a week. When I was going through some old things, I came across a memento of our time together. I mailed it to him and, via tracking, I know that it was delivered to the correct address.

We continue to text weekly, but he has not mentioned it. This is wholly unlike him. He is always proper. I thought perhaps he was out of town when it was delivered, but it's been three weeks.

I feel uncomfortable asking him if he received a package from me. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Your discomfort cannot be because it would be unmannerly, Miss Manners' area of expertise.

"Did you get it? What did you think? Isn't it funny that I found it after all these years? Do you remember that trip?" Etiquette has no objection to your using any one of these questions -- or all four, so long as they are part of a single, breathless inquiry.

But do omit the part about checking the tracking, which, though perfectly rational, tends to raise the hairs on the back of one's neck.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have friends, a married couple, with whom we have vacationed on several occasions. We live in different states, so we don't see them that often.

This past Thanksgiving, we rented a house with them for a week. It was the week from hell. They fought constantly, trading insults; at one point, the wife was so upset that she left the restaurant right after we had all ordered food. It was a long, tense dinner at an expensive restaurant.

Her husband can be very insensitive to other people. It's usually all about him.

My dilemma is that I don't know how to tell my friend that it is no fun to go on vacations with them and that we will not be traveling with them this year. She and I have been friends for 30 years, long before our husbands were ever in the picture, and she is a treasured friend that I don't want to lose.

GENTLE READER: Your dilemma is not that you do not know how to tell your friend it is no fun vacationing with her anymore. Your dilemma is that you do not know how to get away with it -- in other words, how to do it without giving offense and possibly severing the relationship.

Let Miss Manners clear this up: You can't. But you can always turn out to be unavailable around Thanksgiving, or find alternative outings that do not include spouses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I relate to my father's third wife, now that my father has died?

My biological parents divorced when I was a small child. My father remarried, and my stepmother died in 1994. He then met Lauren when I was well into adulthood (married, and with kids of my own), so I never thought of her as a stepmother. Lauren was married previously, but never had children of her own (by choice).

My father and I were not very close, but I stayed in contact, particularly as he began to decline with dementia. They lived across the country from me, so I called every few weeks and visited two to three times a year.

Now that my father has died, Lauren seems to want more of a mother-daughter relationship with me -- meaning, she wants my help and emotional support. But I don't have that sort of feeling for her. She has quite a few friends in her town, but she "doesn't want to burden them."

When we talk on the phone, she very sweetly guilt-trips me ("Oh, how I wish you could be here to help me with this ..."). How should I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Voluntarily assuming some of the responsibilities of deceased loved ones is a good deed, without being required -- an extra credit in life, to borrow a metaphor from education.

Miss Manners puts tending to Lauren in this category -- and understands that the history you mention -- not having had this relationship with Lauren previously, nor having been close to your father -- lessens your willingness to do it. The decision of how much to do, or how little, is yours -- a fact that Lauren would do well to recognize, as any attempt to make you feel guilty should fail.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)