DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was thrilled to welcome a visit from my stepson and his family, who live across the country and whom I seldom see. On more than one occasion during this visit, I'd be chatting with my daughter-in-law in the front seat of the car when a loud order to "STOP" would come from the back seat. Apparently the oldest granddaughter (age 9) didn't like the subject of our conversations.

Her mother simply stopped talking without issuing an objection. I was shocked by this rude behavior and lack of parental response. I was tempted to respond with a gentle correction for the pair, but I remained quiet for fear of alienating both. Do you have a better idea?

GENTLE READER: As a step-grandmother, you do have limited authority to police the child -- as long as you do not do so directly through her mother.

"Please don't frighten me like that, Addison. I almost caused an accident because I thought you meant for me to stop the car." ("Car" can be easily replaced with any other relevant circumstance: "walk," "lunch," etc.)

You may then follow up with her mother by saying, "She scares me with those abrupt declarations. Doesn't it scare you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one is part of a group and proposes events for the group, how can we correctly and kindly handle scheduling conflicts?

In a group chat I'm in, a member will propose a get-together, sometimes in celebration of something on their end. Those of us who can attend will start to chime in. Sometimes other group members will speak up that they're not available on the stated day, but propose other dates and times.

I was compelled to write to you when one group member began advocating for a day and time that didn't work for the original inviter. What is the etiquette here? Is there anything polite I can say in support of the host, if his or her event is being hijacked?

GENTLE READER: Stop leaving it up for discussion. In this age of constant feedback and fleeting commitment, we have lost sight of the fact that invitations can be issued for specific dates and times -- with guests given the option only to decline if it does not suit them. For example: "I am having a celebration at home on Sunday from 4-7 p.m. I hope you will be able to attend."

Texting is casual by nature and invites input. Written invitations are (slightly) more likely to elicit responses, with phone calls and emails next in line. These methods may still not garner a response -- but at least there won't be an option for rebuttal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I word a birthday party invitation in which children don't need to bring a present but do need to pay their entrance into the facility?

GENTLE READER: Take out the words "birthday" and "party."

What you have created is a suggestion that people you know should pay to go to a public facility at the same time as you. Miss Manners is afraid that that does not qualify as an invitation. And it certainly does not solicit thoughts of adding a present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a city that many want either to move to or to visit. As such, we frequently host guests for overnights, long weekends or longer stays. These visitors run the gamut from those trying to get back on their feet, to tourists, to family, to out-of-state friends we invite to stay with us.

My parents taught me that, as a houseguest, I should clean up after myself during my visit and right before I leave. I find that very few of our guests do the same and that, often, our guest room and bath are left in a condition I wouldn't even DREAM of leaving a hotel room in.

Here's what I generally expect (and would do myself as a guest):

-- Take used plates and other dishes to the sink. Bring takeout food containers to the garbage can.

-- Bring wrappers/food remnants from snacks consumed in the guest room to a garbage can, rather than leaving them on the nightstand or floor for the host to clean up after the visit.

-- Wipe up any gross messes in the bathroom: bathtub hair collages, spittle on the mirror, beard/hair/nail clippings on the counter, phlegm in the sink or tub, visible stains in the toilet.

-- If a pet is visiting, too, clean up pet accidents as they occur; don't leave used potty pads on the floor at the end of the visit. Pick up deposits from the yard.

My husband, who is also tired of these messes, insists that guests might not know that these things are expected and that we need to post a checklist in the guest room. I think these expectations should go without saying, but I've clearly been proven wrong.

So, should we post a list and risk insulting the courteous guests? Or give guests a checkout list as they prepare to leave if they have proven themselves to be messy during their stay? We've already been telling more people, "No, staying with us won't work, unfortunately" to reduce the cleaning load, but we'd still like to host friends, visitors who can't afford hotels, and those in need.

Are my expectations of "cleaning up after oneself" unrealistic?

GENTLE READER: If you have already eliminated the most guilty candidates, perhaps you can now be reasonably certain that the remaining guests will behave. Miss Manners will not usually approve gossip, but if you suspect it may be necessary, a few well-positioned statements -- "It is such a pleasure to have you at our house. You will never believe what some of our guests have put us through" -- may serve as a warning. Whether the first part is actually true or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have three kids, the oldest of which is getting married this fall. We expect the other two to be married next year. My wife and I have been married for 36 years now. What is an appropriate gift from me to her for these weddings?

GENTLE READER: A sympathetic ear when your children drive her crazy planning their weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was shocked and saddened to learn that an old friend of mine had gotten divorced last year after some 40 years of marriage. I understand that it was not her choice.

She and her husband apparently chose to keep the divorce very private (assisted by the pandemic lockdown), and most people are only now hearing the news.

She is my age (mid-60s), and we have known each other since the early 1980s, when we were both young moms starting our careers. We are both in the same profession, have served on boards together, belong to many of the same organizations, and our children even went to preschool together many moons ago. Although we have never been super-close "girlfriends," we have a very warm relationship -- we are always pleased to see one another, enjoy sitting together at club meetings, and generally appreciate catching up on each other's lives, despite going long periods of time without contact.

Is there any appropriate way for me to acknowledge the news of her divorce? I feel an urge to send a "thinking of you" note, but I am afraid that might seem intrusive.

For what it's worth, I went through a painful divorce when my kids were young, and I appreciated the warm support of my female friends -- and even of strangers, including the bank tellers and customer service reps who helped me with the messy details of separating from my then-husband.

GENTLE READER: If she were being uncharitable, Miss Manners might suspect that you are wondering how to demonstrate support without the time commitment of providing it.

Despite your appreciation of the comments from strangers, a polite acquaintance, even a well-intentioned one, does not comment on the intimate details of another person's life. Even friends wait to be asked.

If you want to show support, extend an invitation to do something together intentionally. If, after a meal and a few drinks, she brings up her divorce, then you can share your own experience and your sympathy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his fiancee sent out invitations to their destination wedding. My husband has a huge family, and almost everyone in it was invited. Unfortunately, my family consists only of my mother, two sisters, two brothers, one brother-in-law and one sister-in-law and their children.

My son decided to omit my niece and two nephews, who are all over the age of 18, because he said he "doesn't know them." My brother and sister are really upset they weren't invited. My mother is pressuring me to have my son reconsider. I am freaking out. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Reminding your son that weddings are family events and that he does not want to offend his aunt and uncle by excluding the cousins should be enough. But unless the event includes a family-against-family soccer match, Miss Manners does not see why your implication that the numbers should be more equal is relevant. However, if you think such an argument will convince your son, she makes no objection to including it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)