DEAR MISS MANNERS: When confronted with a closed bathroom door, should one knock gently to see if it's occupied, or just try the handle?

I was taught to knock at all closed doors when someone might be inside, under my mother's theory that if someone is in a room with a closed door, they want privacy. If it is a restroom, they definitely want privacy, and it is not unknown for restroom doors to lock insecurely.

However, I have also been told that knocking is rude, and that I should just gently try the handle. I did this yesterday at a restaurant. The door was not locked, and a mother was helping her preschooler wash his hands. I apologized, and she laughed and said that he had just unlocked the door before she grabbed him to make him wash his hands.

Personally, I find someone rattling the door handle to be disconcerting and demanding. I feel as though I really need to hurry that which cannot be hurried, and then wash my hands more quickly than I would usually.

GENTLE READER: Your misguided adviser has one thing right: No one wishes to be startled while conducting their business. But knocking on the door is the polite thing to do.

Miss Manners reminds everyone that there is a vast difference between knocking and banging. Trying the handle seems to her to demonstrate a believable, but unwelcome, impatience. It can also have far worse outcomes than the one you describe.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After college, my fiance passed away due to a chronic illness. We had decided early in our relationship that we didn't want kids.

Some time has passed since his death, and I adopted a dog as a companion. Now, everyone -- from my family and friends (who know I don't want kids) to the vet and trainer (who know nothing about my past) -- refers to me as "mom" when talking to the dog. "Oh, your mom got you a cute collar," etc.

When people call me "mom" in reference to my dog, what can I say instead of politely smiling while holding back tears?

GENTLE READER: The problem can be explained to friends and family, who can be expected to be sympathetic, but explaining your pain to every stranger is neither seemly nor productive.

The vet and trainer were guilty only of childish informality -- they meant no harm, and could not have known their comments would cause pain. (You yourself anthropomorphize the dog when you say you adopted him as a companion.)

But after a loss such as yours, even a silly, well-intended remark can spark a difficult association. This is why mourners used to absent themselves from society for a time, and then to wear black -- it warned others to tread lightly.

Now that neither practice is followed, the best you can do is not to try and pretend your mood is lighter than it is -- and to excuse yourself when you need a moment to compose yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have to visit my doctor approximately six times a year. Everyone at the office knows me, and I'm always greeted politely by name.

Yet every time, both medical and non-medical staff want to play Twenty Questions. It's plainly evident that they are not reading my records beforehand. I keep mine current and accurate through the office's website, which I also use to prepay all co-payments.

For example, whenever I go to an appointment, someone always asks for my co-pay. I feign a perplexed look and assure them I took advantage of the website option. The last time this happened, the staff member let out a sigh, looked at the computer and mumbled, "Oh, yeah. There it is. You can go," as if my bail had been posted and I was getting out of jail! How should one respond?

GENTLE READER: Asking a question once, and listening to the answer, is basic customer service. It was never, unfortunately, the norm in the medical industry, where some doctors -- who are paid to know better than you what is wrong with you -- developed a habit of not listening to patients. This was sometimes justified by noticing that the patient did not always give consistent answers.

Unfortunately, the habit turned out to be infectious. Legislators and hospital administrators -- motivated by good intentions, like ensuring patient privacy and consent -- required extensive, and repetitive, documentation. This may explain why you are asked to repeat a list of medications or insurance information, but it does not make doing so less tedious.

But many doctors have now recognized that ignoring patients led to bad medicine, and have tried to mend their ways. The solution, if the medical profession feels the need to repeat itself, is to train everyone to distinguish between things that require repetition and things that do not -- and to apologize for both. You can assist this process by noting more flagrant violations -- like the co-payment requests -- to the staff member's supervisor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a beach picnic, just me and the host. Looking forward to good food, I arrived hungry.

As I was eating, I noticed my host was not. She said she was stressed and had little appetite. Unsure what to do, I stopped eating and we just chatted. Would it have been OK to continue eating?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette has rules -- do not start eating until your host has started, for example -- but it also has gray areas, including the one you mention. Modifying that rule to allow consumption only while your host is eating, while perhaps fun for children enamored of "Simon Says," would not be practical.

But Miss Manners agrees that there is something unseemly about filling up while your host is exhibiting signs of distress. The solution is to eat slowly -- as if your whole attention were focused on the important conversation. If you happen to munch on a celery stick while listening, no one (except, perhaps, the celery) can have cause to complain.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family closely followed pandemic guidelines, and I have therefore missed many events in the last year. In the scarce family and church interactions that I have had, some people have been insensitive, saying such things as, "Look who's come out of the house," or "Maybe when you come out of hiding ..."

These comments infuriate me because we have underlying health conditions in our home, and my priority has been to protect the health of my family.

Of course, I don't owe these people a health history, but is there a way to defend my choices while also pointing out the rudeness of their remarks? We are now vaccinated and are beginning to attend more events.

GENTLE READER: Do you really want to come out fighting?

Admittedly, people who would taunt others for protecting their health are not just insensitive but actively mean. All the more reason not to engage with them. You would only be offering them an opportunity to brag because they escaped the consequences of their carelessness, if not those of their callousness to others.

Miss Manners would toss off something like, "I used the time to turn into a butterfly -- as you can plainly see." Then walk away. Surely we have all had enough of the acrimony that unnecessarily worsened an already tragic situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I babysat for many families during my high school years, and now those children have been graduating high school. I was very close to many of these children, and plan to send cards and small gifts to them.

However, in some cases, they have younger siblings I never met because I attended college in a different state. When the time comes, would it be rude if I didn't send a card or gift to the younger siblings I don't know, despite the past connection to their family?

GENTLE READER: You might be one of those well-meaning people who gives presents to siblings on each child's birthday. Miss Manners regrets to tell you that this causes problems.

It negates the concept of taking turns, encouraging a sense of entitlement. And it denies each child special attention.

Yet she could equally well argue that some who did get the "special day" treatment also developed a sense of entitlement -- expecting, long into adulthood, to be the center of attention on that day, and pouting when they are not satisfied with the obeisance. The worst of them give their own so-called parties that they expect others to sponsor.

So let's call that a draw. Miss Manners was only bolstering her feeling that it is overdoing it to include children you don't know, and who surely have had ties of their own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is the proper time to light the candles on the dinner table? And when should I extinguish the candles?

GENTLE READER: 1. After dark, so that people can see what they are eating. 2. When dinner is over.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)