DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a city, and my house is closely surrounded by tall buildings. In the mornings, I often briefly go out to the fenced back garden to perform tasks such as feeding the birds or toting recyclables to the bin.

I am often not yet dressed for public presentation, but rather am wearing casual loungewear that I would never wear on the street. Neighbors in upper floors could easily observe me. My assumption has been that my garden is private, and that those peering in should be prepared for the shmatte. Is it your opinion that I may continue my ways without offending?

GENTLE READER: The old rule, which Miss Manners probably invented, was called Newspaper on the Porch. It meant that you could dash out in your bathrobe and grab the paper without being seen. Well, you might actually be seen, but observers were required to dismiss the image from their brains.

Now that people can read the paper online without exposing themselves, Miss Manners will transfer the rule to your situation. As long as you are decently covered, polite neighbors are required not to register in their minds any glimpse they may have of you. They should therefore not greet you with, "I see you had a lot of trash this week. Nice jammies, though." (Others' trash is another thing that should not be noticed.) If they do, the response should be a puzzled, "I beg your pardon?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If COVID-19 is under control in 2022, my daughter, my granddaughter and I are planning a visit to Scotland, Ireland, Wales, the Isle of Man and Lisbon. We are planning on attending a high tea at Edinburgh Castle. What does one wear to a high tea? How does one comport themselves?

GENTLE READER: You may have been misled by the constant misuse of "high tea" by American hotels, which focus on the adjective, thinking it refers to "high society."

In fact, it is the opposite. High society -- a term that, when coined, meant "people who wouldn't dream of working for a living because they didn't have to" -- developed "afternoon tea." This ritual consisted of dainty sandwiches, scones and sweets to quiet their stomach rumblings between meals.

In contrast, high tea is a full meal: supper for workers who go to bed early in order to be at work the next morning, or for children who are banished before the adult fun starts. Therefore, high tea includes meat and other hot foods and baked goods.

It is Miss Manners' understanding that in Scotland, high tea is somewhat closer to afternoon tea in England, but it is still not quite the same thing, because it includes hot food -- meat pie, fish, game or such -- and hearty baked goods.

Dress and comportment are the same as for any daytime meal in a nice place, but you might want to check with the castle before making dinner reservations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am sending out invitations for a baby shower for my friend's son and his live-in girlfriend. How do I refer to her on the invitation? As his friend, paramour, or what?

GENTLE READER: Society has settled on the term "partner," Miss Manners observes. You will do your friend no favors by antagonizing the mother of her grandchild.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: More than once, I have heard the advice that it is a good idea to keep in touch with former bosses and professors in case a recommendation is needed in the future.

While I understand the reasoning for this advice, I do not understand how to execute it. How do I keep in touch with people who are not my friends without its being awkward?

GENTLE READER: Social media was invented for this purpose, but Miss Manners finds it no less awkward -- or more desirable when it comes to staying connected. Lines get easily blurred between friends, acquaintances and business associates, and most updates are of interest only to one out of three -- if that many.

Business versions of social media are an option, but the truth is that most bosses and professors have come to expect recommendation requests. And a straightforward transaction with no pretense of an ongoing relationship will likely be welcomed.

It is best simply to contact them when needed, including a thorough reminder of your relationship and resume, so that they may easily reference these in their recommendations. Then thank them for their efforts with an actual letter -- and also by not annoying them with constant updates afterwards.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to send congratulatory cards with checks to my nieces and nephews for their high school or college graduations. In the past couple of years, I have mailed a check or gift card (or, in one case, handed a check to a relative), but never received any thank-you, or even an acknowledgment that they were received.

Now one of my nieces is getting married; she's the one I handed the check to when she got her master's degree last year. When I did so, she looked at me, but didn't say anything. "That's a strange reaction," I thought at the time.

Now I don't feel like putting forth any effort to acknowledge her wedding or send her anything. Am I being unreasonable?

This has happened to me a few times, so I don't think it's a one-off. In fact, I sent gift baskets to all my siblings for Christmas this year and I only got a thank-you from three of the five siblings. Is this the new normal?

GENTLE READER: If it is, it is not conducive to putting forth more effort, as you say.

(As an aside, Miss Manners will utter only one excuse on behalf of your niece, who may not have known what to do with the check at the time, as she was in the middle of her graduation. Once she recovered her wits, however, she should, of course, have acknowledged it, as should all of the others. But your having failed to procure instant thanks -- the one thing that would have justified giving the gift to her in person -- is further justification for why presents should be mailed to celebrants, not handed over in person.)

Now back to our program -- and the fact that you were clearly and unequivocally wronged. No one would blame you for ceasing your generous practices altogether for those relatives who are clearly unappreciative.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a real hard time with people who give their first child up for adoption and then continue having more.

Example: My brother-in-law gave up a child for adoption, then became a very successful person: retired Marine, business owner, real estate agent, broker, pilot, and the list goes on. He's been married for 30 years and adopted his wife's firstborn (although he has nothing to do with him now) and has had three children with his wife.

My husband feels there's nothing wrong with this. Am I wrong for feeling he should never have had more? And I dang sure don't think the family should put him on a pedal stool (sic). Oh, and the child he gave up lives in our hometown, while my brother-in-law lives out of state. It is hush-hush.

Can you give me your opinion?

GENTLE READER: To keep yours to yourself. Reasons for having, not having, adopting, giving up or otherwise handling one's family situation and children are no one else's business -- unless the children are in actual danger.

Miss Manners fears that your real objection is about the pedestal on which you perceive the family has put your brother-in-law for his unrelated professional accomplishments. She strongly suggests that you learn to accept or ignore that, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to celebrate my 40th birthday at a post-pandemic point in time. Location and budget dictate a size of approximately 40 to 50 guests.

After much deliberation, I have arrived at a shortlist of about 90 guests. In order to get down to about 70 (assuming a 30% no-show rate), I feel like I have to choose between my high school friends and the partners of my work friends, most of whom I have never met.

How mandatory is it to invite partners to a party? I feel that it might be rude to exclude them, but I also wouldn't want to miss out on the opportunity to see my group of high school friends. Any advice?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps Miss Manners can convince you that work friends -- whose partners you have never met -- cannot truly be counted as intimates. And that therefore, she suspects there might be another reason that you are inviting them.

She further warns you about relying on a 30% no-show rate. Particularly post-pandemic, people may be eager to attend anything social.

If we are to consider a COVID-free existence again, one that is not subject to mandated size restrictions, Miss Manners feels the need to remind you -- as she has for many a wedding couple -- that location and budget should be decided after the desired guest list is created, not before. In other words, the people who are in the picture should be considered far more important than the photogenic venue behind them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)