DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a small grocery shop that also serves microbrew beers on tap, I brought some fresh vegetables to the counter to purchase. I paid by credit card, and when I was presented with the screen to add a tip (a choice of 15%, 20%, etc. or no tip), I added a tip as I would have done at a restaurant.

A similar thing occurred at a different shop that sells both groceries and prepared food. I was offered the tip screen, although my purchase was groceries only. I paid a tip there, too. I thought it felt rude not to tip when clearly being asked to do so, and I want to tip when it is correct. The employee is personally right there, showing the tip screen to the customer.

GENTLE READER: Which is a wonderfully effective practice. It worked on you.

But as manipulative as this was, one does not, Miss Manners assures you, have to fear being rude to a machine.

She is further of the opinion that tipping should be abolished altogether in favor of better wages. But as the practice still exists, it is necessary to supplement underpaid workers, and reasonable to expect that it generally be utilized for service and delivery only.

To further complicate things, however, she makes an exception for precarious times like this, when workers are risking their health and well-being for ours.

In that case, Miss Manners is inclined to be generous. But she still does not like being bullied into that generosity by a machine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son and daughter-in-law, who are expecting their first child, live in Europe, whereas the rest of our extended family lives in the United States. Relatives have started sending gifts to us to forward to them abroad. There are no explanations with the packages, just the assumption that we will ship their gifts overseas.

Is this our responsibility? If not, how do we handle what I suspect is going to be an ongoing situation? Case in point, we just received an annual family calendar with their names on it.

GENTLE READER: As the latter is a recurring present, you might inform the giver now that they have the wrong address and avoid subsequent mis-deliveries. As for the rest, Miss Manners strongly encourages you to tell your son and daughter-in-law to send out baby announcements with their European address clearly marked.

For those items already in your possession, you can also make this the new parents' problem. They can: A) figure out how to have them sent or B) leave enough room in their luggage to bring them back when they visit.

Or -- and this may be the most likely solution -- you may get their agreement to keep them at your house, as they probably already have everything they need for the baby back home. Then your grandchild will have lovely things at your house when they come visit. If your local friends notice that the presents are still with you, you may always say that solutions A and B are still in process.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year I started an annual, seasonal job that I will be returning to soon. I got on especially well with my desk neighbor, as we have a lot in common. For example, we are both highly sensitive to fragrances and things like shirt tags and sock seams. We also share a propensity for saving items that most people would discard, like cardboard boxes, in case we might find a use for them at a later date.

One day, I walked into work and saw two very outdated shirts on her desk. She announced she had no use for them and brought them in to see if I might want them. At the time, I thought my reply would surely be approved by Miss Manners. It was something like:

”Thank you for thinking of me. I always appreciate an offer of free clothes, and that is indeed a very high-quality brand. In fact, I, too, have a shirt of that brand that I never wear, but cannot bring myself to get rid of. Ha ha! Unfortunately, I have to be honest and admit I would never wear them, as I wear T-shirts for comfort everywhere but the office, and I really cannot pull off wearing that color. I would hate for these good-quality shirts to be wasted when they may be exactly what someone shopping at a thrift store is looking for. I do really appreciate the offer, though."

Two or three co-workers overheard the exchange, and I suspect they thought I was just being tactful (or pompous). But as a fellow pack-rat, I know how important it feels to have items be put to good use.

I almost immediately regretted my response. I fear that I may have squashed a sprouting friendship. I hope that when we return, we may become friends, or at least lunch buddies. It may well have been no big deal to her, but I don't want to be obliviously friendly if she is inwardly bothered.

Should I just casually comment that I hope she found a good home for those shirts and I regret not having use for them -- and by the way, that was really nice of her to offer them? Or should I just let what happened in 2020 stay in 2020?

GENTLE READER: The latter. Even if your co-worker had nothing better to brood about during a pandemic year, you have no evidence of her being offended.

If anyone was looking for insult, it might be you. "These don't meet my standards, but maybe yours are lower" is not a present and does not have to be treated as such. Not that Miss Manners is looking for a fight, or trying to negate your response. If you detect pouting and resentment, you can try offering your casual approach of bringing it up again. But otherwise, steer clear of it -- and of her future efforts to clean house.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find the phrase "shut up" to be hostile, aggressive and just demoralizing. Are there any situations where it is OK to say it?

GENTLE READER: "Shut up the house before the storm hits, Pa!”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've just completed my second vaccination shot for COVID-19 and, though I feel lucky and relieved, I've dealt with much resentment from others who have not been able to receive their shots yet.

I've been asked such questions as, "Who did you have to bribe?” or "What makes you so special?” and the like, all of which have been insulting and hurtful. It makes me sound as if I barged my way to the head of the line or pulled strings, which I didn't. How should I deal with snarky remarks over something that I should be happy about?

GENTLE READER: Pretending not to understand is one of Miss Manners' favorite techniques for countering rudeness. "Surely,” her quizzical look is meant to convey, "you cannot have meant to accuse me of fraud. I must have misheard you.”

It is particularly effective in deflating those who think they are being charming, funny or genuine, as it demonstrates that you were neither charmed nor amused nor impressed by their inconsiderate honesty. And it avoids the bother of having to take offense at casually offensive behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am about to get a doctorate degree, and I am the first in my immediate family to attend graduate school. The school has just announced that each graduate can have two guests at the ceremony.

I'd like to invite my mom and my sister, whom I feel have been the most supportive and interested people during my years in graduate school. When I told my mom this, though, she was upset that I didn't want to invite my stepfather and said he would be heartbroken.

My stepdad and I aren't close, he isn't paying for my school (I am), and he hasn't expressed much interest in my classes other than conversation filler at holiday events. My sister and I went through a long period of not speaking, so she wasn't invited to any of my prior graduations, whereas my stepfather has been at all of them. He did graduate from the same school where I'll receive my diploma -- albeit his degree was a bachelor's in another field -- but other than that, he isn't really involved with my accomplishment.

Am I obligated to invite my stepfather to my graduation instead of my sister? Will inviting him to an at-home graduation party suffice?

GENTLE READER: Even if etiquette were inclined to rank family members, that would not solve your problem, which is how to assure your mother that your stepfather would not actually feel slighted. Miss Manners states the problem thus not merely because it is accurate, but because it suggests a solution.

Tell your stepfather how sorry you are not to have a third ticket for him, and that you know he will understand that your past history with your sister makes it imperative that you invite her. Even if it turns out that your stepfather did want to go, he will have to give his blessing when so approached. And once you have your stepfather's acquiescence, your mother's will follow.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)