DEAR MISS MANNERS: A gentleman I know only because he’s married to an old high school classmate has written and self-published a rather long novel on a topic I know and care nothing about. In a recent online get-together with his wife and some of our other high school chums, he asked if he could “pitch” his book to us, then proceeded to describe the book, where it could be purchased and for what price. We all politely expressed our admiration for his achievement.

Yesterday, a copy of the book arrived at my home. I immediately thanked the author in neutral terms: “Imagine my surprise when I discovered a copy of your tome on my doorstep! It is a handsome volume, indeed. Thanks so much for adding it to my library!”

But now I am at a loss as to what to do when he inevitably queries me about what I thought of it. I don’t want to lie, yet I also don’t want to hurt this fellow’s feelings about a work he says he wrote over a 35-year period.

GENTLE READER: Would you consider it a lie to say, “I’m looking forward to reading it”?

Yes? Well, then, how about, “I’m anxious to read it”?

“Anxious” doesn’t mean the same thing as “eager,” you know. And you do sound to Miss Manners as if you are truly anxious at the prospect of having to read it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have appalling manners over the phone and on email. I am condescending, abusive and rude. My grammar and spelling are terrible, as well; I use ALL CAPS for no reason and misuse punctuation (my favorite is to use several exclamation points or question marks to really communicate the contempt I have for other humans). IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME????!!

GENTLE READER: NONE! Not when you are so proud of your failings as to make sure to repeat them in such an obviously provocative fashion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please, once again, state the rule for when thank-you notes for wedding gifts should be sent out? (Perhaps you could state this in large type, bolded?) My friends who are mothers-of-brides tell me that brides have a year to write thank-yous, and I have been unable to find Miss Manners’ guidelines via online searches.

Miss Manners, I’m on my elderly, arthritic knees! I never know if my carefully chosen gifts are received!

GENTLE READER: What, again? As if Miss Manners hasn’t pointed this out a million times?

Come on, folks. You’ve heard of feedback. You give it all the time to people you don’t even know. How can you begrudge it to someone you do know, who has been -- perhaps foolishly -- generous to you?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a 58-year-old man raised in the South, and husband of 32 years to an amazing and cool wife, I’m confused. Ladies are always served first, but my wife says the cook is served last. What’s a husband to do when it’s just the two of us?

GENTLE READER: You could solve the problem by doing all the cooking. But here is another rule: One always serves others before oneself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In connection with a question about butter pats, a letter writer stated, “I know that dinner rolls and butter are not traditionally part of a formal dinner service.” You didn’t comment about that, but let it stand.

Is that true?

Please define a “formal dinner” for us. Is it when diners dress in cocktail dresses and evening gowns, or is it when a large family has Christmas dinner with children and babies present? Or is it just when we invite friends to meet us at a restaurant? My husband won’t return to a restaurant that doesn’t serve bread and butter with the meal!

I hope you can clear this up for us. My family is very conflicted over this question right now.

GENTLE READER: Please calm down your husband by assuring him that slow-food restaurants will always offer him bread. They must, because their patrons arrive hungry, expecting to then decide what they want to have cooked for them.

This is different from a formal dinner, which typically has several courses that the host has decided upon, and which are timed so that service can begin when the guests are seated.

But Miss Manners cannot get away with that as a definition of a formal dinner -- especially with that use of “typically,” which she threw in because a formal dinner could be three courses or, as at some 19th-century banquets, 18. In any case, there is plenty of food and no waiting, so there is no need to fill up on bread -- although some dishes may be accompanied by toast points or special crackers.

However, breaking the no-bread rule is not a high crime. Miss Manners is not one to deny bread to those who crave it.

Meanwhile, however, the concept of formality keeps changing. For some, it means eating from a table instead of on a tray. And what is now considered formal dress, known as “black tie,” was once informal in comparison with “white tie.”

Today, any staged dinner -- that is to say, one in which an effort has been made to decorate the table, around which everyone is seated at the same time; participants “dress up,” to whatever degree is customary in their circle; the courses are served in turn; and table manners are somewhat restrained, to the extent that bones are not chewed from the hand -- would be considered somewhat formal.

As nightly family dinners like this have become rare, guests are probably involved, and yes, that may include the extended family at holiday meals. Or, in some families, may not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have four children, each born two years apart and in the same month of the year, leading to a variety of observations and comments from many.

Several people have actually gone as far as to ask me how this precise spacing was achieved, and I’m never sure how to reply. Should I give them details?

GENTLE READER: Good gracious, no. Please don’t even give Miss Manners the details.

To your nosy questioners, you should respond, “In the usual way. If you don’t know, please ask someone you know better to explain it to you.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a meeting at work where a co-worker had a very embarrassing moment. I thought her recovery was remarkable, so I wrote an email about the incident to a friend:

“Melissa farted during the presentation to the exec committee. Yikes! And of course this would happen in front of the whole team in the first-floor conference room. She stood up, introduced herself, and let one rip. Of all the things!! NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED. Instead of dying of embarrassment, she said, ‘Oh, wow. Excuse me! I wanted to finish with a bang, not start with one.’ Everybody laughed! She and Mark were able to get through it all with no other, ahem, ‘hiccups.’ Mr. Hartley said the presentation was terrific and thanked her for a ‘memorable morning.’ Maybe it was good luck!”

I sent this email to the wrong person, who then tweeted it out for laughs. I didn’t mention her last name or the name of the company. Should I tell my co-worker what happened, or just hope she never hears about it?

GENTLE READER: To what end? To show that you are repentant and will never do it again? Look up. That boat has drifted.

Miss Manners hardly sees any purpose in going out of your way to point out the tweet to Melissa now. If she does find out, you may say that you are sorry and meant the summary to be flattering. To further soften the humiliation, you can let her know that Miss Manners commends her on her graceful recovery -- if not performance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Watching “Downton Abbey,” I wondered if you would comment on the historical etiquette of inviting a visitor who has an undesirable valet.

Suppose you are the host in a great house of 1920s England. One of your friends has a valet who has committed an unspeakable crime against one of your maids, but she does not wish to pursue it through the police. Naturally you want your maid to be safe and feel comfortable, and not have to see this valet across the table in the servants’ hall.

Can you, in good manners, invite your friend to stay, but specify that he must leave his valet behind? Let us assume that your household is amply provided with footmen, one of whom would be available to help your friend dress while he is visiting. Or must you include the valet of anyone you wish to invite? Is it like inviting the spouse of the person you really want to see?

Alternatively, can you instruct the valet to take his meals in his room and not the servants’ hall? Or is the only way out to give the maid the days of the visit off, with pay?

GENTLE READER: Your first suggestion is the correct one: “We look forward to your visit to Penbrook Manor this spring. I am afraid, however, that we do not have the room to accommodate Algernon. We assure you that one of our valets will be available for any needs you may have while staying here.”

Miss Manners further points out that while social shunning -- or our modern equivalent, “canceling” -- can be decisive and overused, it does have its advantages when legal action is ineffective or undesirable.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)