DEAR MISS MANNERS: My classical guitar society meets online now, which is nice because we now have people involved who live around the world.

It’s not so nice, however, when one of our participants performs from his bedroom, where we get to see his unmade bed, the dresser drawers partially open, and this week, a pair of used underwear.

I know I should only focus on his music, which is lovely, and that I should accept him as he is -- but used underwear? Very difficult to ignore. He’s not disheveled in person; he is always well groomed and wears clean clothes.

Should I just get over myself and try to ignore his background, or is there a delicate way I can tell him to straighten up his room?

GENTLE READER: A lost art, which especially needs to be revived in just such situations, is Pretending Not to Notice.

It is true that one should try to be what is called “presentable,” whatever that means in a particular context. But a bit of leeway is necessary. If your house is on fire, it is all right for you to run out wearing your pajamas. If you are just going out to get your mail, perhaps you should add a bathrobe. However, it is incumbent on passersby to pretend not to notice.

If someone has a pimple on their nose, or any other physical irregularity, those who are not intimately involved must pretend not to notice. And that also goes for physical regularities -- such as being tall or short, fat or thin -- which people can’t seem to stop commenting upon.

There are countless other situations in which everyone would be happier if the obvious is not mentioned. And now we have a new one: the background during video-visiting. It has become a sport to evaluate other people’s houses, as glimpsed when they are online for business as well as social reasons.

Please. Miss Manners begs you to stop. Listen to the music and pretend you do not notice the background.

The necessity of being at home during the pandemic has forced people to invite in those who might never otherwise see their homes, let along their bedrooms, kitchens or wherever they have had to improvise a home office. Yes, it would be nice if they presented an attractive stage set. Or if they knew about virtual backgrounds, where you can have any magnificent setting you want, if you don’t mind your head briefly disappearing when you move.

But the viewer also has a responsibility -- not to notice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I speak to people by phone, they talk over me and interrupt me. I feel like it is a one-sided discussion.

With one friend, I had to send her a five-page letter to let her know how she had upset me by discussing a sensitive and charged family situation.

GENTLE READER: Until you mentioned the five-page letter, Miss Manners was totally sympathetic. Whether your friend was pontificating about your family problems or talking nonstop about her own, doing all the talking kills a conversation.

But your taking five pages to say that does plant the idea that perhaps you are not entirely guiltless. And it isn’t just that one person who interrupts, but apparently everyone.

Is it possible that they are the ones who would never get to talk unless they interrupted you? If not, Miss Manners apologizes and suggests that you learn to say, “Let me just finish, please, and then I’d like to hear what you think.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

GENTLE READERS: What will the post-pandemic wedding be like?

For couples who postponed getting married because of restrictions on crowds, it will presumably be that same pre-pandemic extravaganza:

Three days of parties, invitations to everyone in their personal and business contact files, four-figure (as in money) dresses, bevies of attendants, stylists for hair and makeup, luxurious venues, acres of flowers, separate photographers for still shots and video, party favors, dinners complete with fancy desserts in addition to the sculptured wedding cake, disc jockeys, orchestras, dancing all night, and whatever else an imaginative and avaricious wedding industry can decree necessary.

Miss Manners is not unsympathetic to a yearning for glamour. She only wishes that ordinary life had not become so relentlessly casual as to prompt people who have never experienced any stylistic variety to go wild -- first at proms and then at weddings. Too often, the result has been anxiety, petty quarrels, debt and a tendency, on the part of guests with minimal attachment to the families involved, to treat weddings as free date nights that do not always meet their entertainment expectations.

Other couples may have learned something from the weddings that have taken place during the pandemic. Of necessity, a new pattern has evolved among those who considered the fact of getting married to be more important than the party; these couples have gone ahead and had small, safe ceremonies for their intimates and those who cared enough to tune in virtually.

Typically, these are home weddings (which used to be the most stylish choice for weddings not held in houses of worship), often in backyards, at least in good weather. Wedding dresses are still mostly white and dressy, but not in the previously prevailing style of nearly bare top and balloon bottom. Flowers and food are not overwhelming. Warmth shines from the eyes of the masked guests because their motivation for attending is to witness the marriage, not only to enjoy an outing.

And these couples seem to have achieved what the vast wedding industry promises but does not deliver: the personalized and memorable wedding.

The professionals’ idea of “memorable” is questionable, as so many couples were following the same industry-dictated instructions. And personalization is not accomplished by monogramming napkins and declaring a signature cocktail. Nor, surprisingly, is treating everyone else to a version of the couple’s courtship, to show how much more in love they are than anyone else has ever been.

Rather, it is to be found in making the occasion a gala version of their real lives -- a setting familiar to the couple and probably to many of their guests; a way of entertaining that they enjoy -- rather than an unfamiliar fantasy, especially one that happens to be the same as everyone else’s fantasy.

Bridal couples and guests alike are reporting how personal and memorable they have found these necessarily scaled-down weddings. Perhaps those who postponed their own, or who married but postponed their receptions, will be influenced by them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do you call your readers “Gentle”?

GENTLE READER: In the hope of encouraging them to become so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I are very close, and we chat about every other week. About a year ago, she moved across the country, so now (and especially with COVID) we don’t have the chance to see each other in person.

She is married and is her daughter’s primary caregiver, so she has her hands full. When I initiate a phone call, it usually goes to voicemail. Whenever my sister calls me (or calls me back), she always makes it a video call, and she always has the phone’s camera fixed on my 2-year-old niece.

I am happy to see my niece and interact with her, but I find it impossible to have any kind of meaningful conversation with my sister in this format. I tend to keep these video conversations brief (about 10 minutes or so).

Months ago, my sister complained that I don’t really talk to her anymore, so I explained that it is difficult when every time we talk, the camera is pointed at my niece. She replied, “Well, (niece) just wants to see you!”

I know she does this same video call thing with my mom, who absolutely loves it -- it is her first grandkid. How can I tell my sister that this is a real problem for me? I know she is sensitive about this topic and I feel like this is a potential minefield!

GENTLE READER: It may be worse than sensitivity. You may be threatening a few precious moments of your sister’s sanity.

While your niece is on the phone with you, her mother may be getting a quick chance to wash a dish or dash off an email. This might be why she is reluctant to change the system.

Miss Manners suggests that you address both problems -- delicately. Ask for separate calls, making certain to start each week with the niece. Then tell your sister that, having spent valuable one-on-one time with the little one, you would now love to have a grown-up chat just with her.

Acknowledging both needs (even if indirectly) and agreeing to do your part will go a long way toward getting your own time together.

And soon enough, your niece will be getting her own communication device and the separate calls can be more defined. Or she will be unavailable -- except to exasperatedly assist her helpless elders with their technology.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here is a common but difficult conundrum: At the bank, I was greeted by a lovely older security guard. His fly was down. I mentioned it to a gentleman bank employee, who then told the guard. It all felt terribly awkward. Oh, and this probably matters: I’m a not-young woman.

GENTLE READER: Matters how, exactly? Miss Manners is curious if it is the “young” or the “woman” that you consider problematic. Regardless, she assures you that you handled the matter perfectly. A not-old man could not have done better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)